H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

ED,
You're doing well, as far as chillaxing, and figuring out the mini-steps. Good!

Regarding the First M and D, here goes...
The comments I'm making are my first thoughts on this and could be wayyy off.

If your first M did end in part b/c you had current H in your life, regardless of the actual timing (I mean, your current h moved out awhile ago and said, therefore, he was not cheating by dating OW, and yet you see it very differently) you may have to concede the apparent similarity. But I don't know all the ins and outs and whether you'd have tried harder at your first M, if current H had not been in the picture. Probably.??

Why not say something like, "although I can see why you'd equate the situations, there were totally UNrelated reasons I had for leaving your father...which I'm not prepared to tell you. But your father knows those reasons, and I'm sorry he's chosen to have such a selective memory..."
Just don't pretend there are no analogies. I bet your current H thinks he wasn't "cheating". If he stepped out of the house at all, and "confessed" that he wasn't "sure about the M", for a lot of men that's enough "notice" and they have a license to date, etc., without being called adulterers. I think most people do rationalize it and the more you throw it into his face as a mortal sin type thing, the more he'll see you as being hypocritical.

Also you may want to do some soul searching and see if you do feel guilt about the way your first M ended. If so, why not say something to that effect, such as "While we [ie. you and your 1stH ] had some big problems, and I felt the M was truly over when I moved out, I should have waited longer to date H2..."

The difficulty you may have is it's likely to be something your current H is telling his family. Maybe, maybe, you could "embrace" the moral dilemma by saying you've had an "aha" moment and now you get how hurt your 1st h was, since he's telling D's about it, and you should/could have handled it better..." And maybe (or maybe not), say, that h1 is leaving some facts out...Or just confess that you made a big mistake having it go the way it did.

Main thing is, wouldn't you do things differently now, if you could? If so, say so. If
I were you I would not claim that "these are totally different situations!" unless you can make the case quite clearly, AND without bashing your 1stH. I don't know that you can. It's a "conundrum". (Glad I used that word, since it was this week's challenge).

Ideally, (whatever that means), you'd have had much more time post 1stM, alone for reflection and on your own with the girls, to get to know yourself, make some changes, GAL as you are now. You might have tried more to learn from whatever experience you had, what your own role was in the demise of the first M, what type of men you attract and are attracted to, etc. Maybe there is a pattern in you that creates these situations? I think you're fairly self aware, or at least you are brave enough to want to look within, plus I think you really want to be happy and that you'll do whatever it takes to get there, with or without your h....which is great.

My sister, the one I've told you about who none of us want to be like (very clingy and needy with 1H until she smothered him so much that he left her for OW and married ow, had a child with her and remains m to OW now for 11 years, etc. Sister has Zero self awareness. Has NO idea what happened in first M, or why h1 left, etc. Has never once said she would do things differently or that she made any mistakes, etc. D was ALL about evil OW and selfish exH).

SHE is remarried to a nice guy. Unfortuanately he (h2) is terminally ill, and she knew that going into the M. He has outlived all expectations, and that has been a miracle. Until recently he has been "with it" and contributing to the household expenses, etc. But yes, his time is now short and the Hospice people have put a hospital bed in their living room, and this terribly depressed my sister of course. It's so symbolic to her that this is really it.

But what's horrible to me EVD, (not quite sure why I'm telling you, maybe b/c I feel as if you'll know why she did this, and I'm being sincere, ok?)

Ummm, oh yes, my sister had her wedding anniversary last week. Her h is suffering from a brain tumor and "forgot" about it (gee, maybe it's b/c he has a Brain tumor!) and when he saw the card his d17 made saying "Happy Anniversary" he said thanks, but didn't seem to notice or "get it" much, according to my sister. She was really disappointed in his reaction/lack of one and I found that strange. Why not just GIVE HIM a present and shut up about it, "forgive" him for being sick, etc?

ANYHOW, she took him to the funeral home to make arrangements with him... OMG, I freaked out at how weird I thought that was, and so did my other siblings and mother. This infuriates my sister who says we don't get it, and we are not being supportive of her and to stop "heaping guilt" on her... She has made it clear that her life is the hardest life imaginable, and I feel when I'm with her, that she is sucking out my energy (will to live, etc.) so it's very draining to be with her. I felt that taking him to plan his own funeral (and I guess, his coffin or cremating thing), was morbid and maybe a very angry thing to do, and wow... Sorry to hijack. Just weirded out thinking of that when I was writing....yikes.

Anyway, let me know if you have any thoughts. I am thinking of an intervention type thing for my sister and NO, I do NOT think you are acting like her!! ...not yet anyway.
j-