H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Evie]

25 yrs - thank you for your support and patience with me.

You have asked some good questions and given some sound advice. Unfortunately i'm a little slow on digesting things.

I'll try and answers your questions.

Previously when i said that i hoped that H wouldn't think he was forgiven for his A, I didn't explain myself that well.

If i continued with my behaviour that was before the bomb on 5/03/08, in other words good DB, i knew that H would think I was ok about his affair. However, i couldn't continue with that behaviour at the time b/c of the shock/anger/deceit/hurt that i was feeling. I knew that i needed some time to myself to process my thoughts and to NOT react to him. Although all along i have said that i love him unconditionally and would hope with time i would be able to forgive him. I really want to be able to do that. I understand now that if i don't, i'll never be free of the bitterness and anger, and i want to move forward without being bitter and resentful.

Unfortunately, there are too many people that do know already about H & OW, b/c we (& OW) work at the same place and the rumour was out well before i was told. I admit I told a few colleagues when i found out, to preampt the gossip reaching them first, which it would have done it was just a matter of time, as it is such a small community. Now it's the easter holidays and most of the staff are off until 17/04/08, i'm hoping things will have calmed down considerably by the time school returns.

Work have been very good to me and told me to take as much time off as i need while the place is so quiet. I have taken advantage of this and had the last 2 days off. I've gone to the gym, then done some spring cleaning and slept, so in a way chillaxing but without having to think either, it's been really good.

Tomorrow the kids and I will drive 100 miles to bil's birthday party. H has decided not to go. Thats his choice and i'm glad he isn't.

H & s1 returned from their ski trip today, i was anxious and took 2 diazipan tablets to calm me down. Interaction with H was good, considering, i think i talked too much b/c of my nerves. H recently told me he had had to cancel the online banking for the business due to fraud. I never pursued it at the time, but I need the passwords now to be able to pay the wages and so asked H for the new password. He said he had cancelled it and was also going to put a stop to everything when he felt i was with holding info from him..... I'm soo proud of myself for not reacting to him. I could have said that i wasn't with holding any info, that i had reassured him that the business would continue as normal and how i felt he had been unreasonable by pressurising me for decisions about the business a day after i found out about his affair. I didn't even start to panic.

Your right about the stop sign and the OW. S1 has been telling me about his holiday and her name has come up quite a few times. Now i can either obsess about what i cant control or i put this massive red stop sign in front of me to stop me visualising the b*t*H and him together. I will do it. Do you know, i feel better for knowing about the affair, at least i'm not been deceived anymore, i know now and am aware that it could still be going on, hell they could see each other all over the weekend, i wouldn't know as i'll be out of town. I just hate the way he walked into the house and tried to continue as normal, he could win an oscar for his acting.

I was worried i wouldn't be able to look h in the eye today and i could and he came into the house and i didn't flip. yeah for me..

25 yrs - your right, conversation has to be about the business or boys. But as previously stated i talked too much already - about bil's b'day present, post and a leaflet with a picture of S1 on. Could kick myself now.

I don't have any expectations of H right now, like you said before - hold onto the door frames and let the earth quake pass and as Jen said, let the future take care of its self. I need to look after me & the kids for a while now.

However, H i KNOW will not leave me alone, he will find an excuse to contact me and while i need to respond, i am aware that i need to lovingly detach at the same time.


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And just curious, how did your older children react to the end of your first M? And now?

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Good question, D1 (19)has asked a lot more than d2(17). D2 has just spent the week with her dad and her dad has told her that i left him b/c i had an affair with current H. D2 came to me and said 'so mum, you had affair with ***** (current H)'. We couldn't talk at that time, so i have said we will talk about things. I don't know what XH's motive was for telling d2, but i'm not pleased. Now i'm in the position that i'm going to have to tell her things i wasn't ready to tell her at this time nor do i think she is ready to hear it or deal with it right now.

The girls were 3 and 5 when i left their dad. He had a temper and had hit D1 one too many times (not just a smack, but i don't want to go ino that right now). We lived with my mom for 9 months and then we all moved in with current H. Life was happier and calmer and fun. I had the usual q's from the girls, but was able to reassure them. They saw their dad regularly and i had my mom and current h as support.

The girls especially D1 is very supportive of me. She returns home from france in 3 weeks, i can't wait. In amonst H's post today was leter to him from her, no doubt she will have given him a piece of her mind.

Mini goals, is a good solution, boys and business only is a good start. I won't be initiating any contact with him right now.

Thanks for listening.

Love evie.

xxxxx