Hi Debra, I can totally relate to your pain, but my husband just revealed to me that he has been having an affair with our good friend who has been to our house with her husband every weekend and has gotten so close to my children that they call her their 2nd mother. Affairs are not about physical attributes. This woman is 10 years older with wrinkles and is a grandmother. I thought he would have wanted a much younger woman.Even if your marriage may have had issues or if your spouse tries to blame you for his or her wanderings most of the time the affair has little to no substance.They may say they were in love with this person, this person understood them, etc.. But it is bull! It was instant gratification, and most of the time it does not last. This is not about you and my H has come home. We who decide to take this spouse back because we want our marriages have a lot to overcome, but I believe that it will be worth it if both are committed. Good luck to you!
daisey in my situation the OW is younger, good body and attractive. he says he was in love, it was just a feeling he had no control over. sex was natural and easy with her that is why he wants nothing to do with me at this point, he is afraid it will not measure up. he is going to C and that seems to be helping but it seems as if he is back because he should be, but if he could make a decision without any reperussions or guilt, he would choose her. according to him, they are more in sync with each other. I am trying to be patient and be his friend and not constantly dwell on the fact there is no intimacy between us but it is hard. how are you able to deal with the fact that a friend did this to you? do you still speak? the OW in my situ was my H's co-worker.
Hi Debra, The OW (my X-friend) and I do not speak. When I found out I called her Cellphone and thanked her for coming into my house every weekend, pretending to be my friend, hugging my kids and at the same time F***ing my H, Then I called her a real nasty word and hung up. Classy hu? This is not my style but god this woman was such a snake. Things are really hard right now and I really can relate to what you are going through. My H said he wanted to work things out but he has shown me the motivation is the kids. He has told me he misses her and what they had. Any affection he shows is like a rubber arm around me waist, it has no meaning.It hurts so much because we feel like we must compete, but we can't and why should we have to.I was having a hard time and needed some reassurance and it was so lame and forced that I ran out of the room telling him that he made a mistake, that he is only here for the kids and should have stayed where he was happy. This is not easy. I hope you are doing better than I am.
I really dont think I am doing any better Daisey. I know what you mean about needing reassurance and affection and not getting any because they are too busy feeling sorry for themselves because they miss what they had. I have gotten the I dont love you anymore, or love you like a friend speech. I have been told to me patient, he is working on trying to get back the feelings he had for me and our children. He follows everything up with the line that there are no guarantees this is gonna work. He cant be intimate with me but had no problems with her. I am trying to just be his friend, but this is so hard. It would have been easier to walk away and let him go, but I dont believe I would have ever been able to give anyone else my heart. Hang in there and be strong. concentrate on yourself and your kids and just let him be. the pricipals of DB do work if we are patient and follow them instead of letting our hearts and inpatience lead the way. keep in touch.
We have been married for 43 years. The last 12 years have been hell. My husband reconciled with his mother in 1991 after not speaking for over 20 years. After that the only woman in his life was his mother. She never had anything according to her and I had everything house, cars etc. He spent the next 11 years making it up to her and lying to me. Needless to say, we spent alot of time not speaking. When she was dying he turned to another woman for help. He couldn't discuss his feelings with me because he had lied for so long about everything he had done for his mother. He was able to talk to the OW. She sent him a note about being in a unfilling relationship. After meeting with her for drinks and understanding they started an affair and he told me he wanted out. In the meantime, the OW had been divorced twice and had countless boyfriends. She had been living with a man for over 7 years and threw him out for my husband. They were together for over 4 months. He even got Viagra. After his mother died, he wanted me back. Because of family circumstances, I took him back and we started counseling. To this day, he will not admit to me that they had an affair. She was just a good friend. All his friends knew about the affair. One couple went on vacation with my husband and the OW twice. I know that the OW is back with her old boyfriend because a mutual friend told me. Ow has nothing good to say about my husband. I know he's a good BSer and and she obviously believed every word he said. I have no sympathy for her. When I think about the two of them together I want to throw-up. As I read the posts I can relate to the pain. It's encouraging to read the people that have eventually were able to move on with their lives. It's been a year now, and the most frustrating part is the fact, he can't admit the truth and is still friendly with the couple he went on vacation with. I never want to see them for the rest of my life. I've stopped even trying to talk to him about it. He says he loves me and wants me but there's no apology, no remorse.
Ski, i can relate to your feelings about a lack of apology and remorse. My wife has apologized in the past, but made them sound more like accusations towards me than anything heart felt. We are going to counciling and working towards fixing our old problems, but as for acknowledging the affair, not going to happen.
I've been feeling better little by little, the images come less and less, untill I found his home phone number on her cell phone. I asked about it and she said she hasn't called or talked to him since late January. I do believe her, but asked her to remove it. Not really sure what she mummble under her breath, but a week later it was still there. I asked again a little more directly, and she told me that it being there shouldn't be a problem, because she wasn't using it.
We've gone around and around on this, she has removed it, but i've since found his home and work numbers in our phone book.
It's not so much that i'm finding these things, clothes, phone numbers, notes, and the such, but the attitude she has towards removing them.
Has any one found anything that really helps them when they're feeling down or something gets them headed down? I'd love some ideas other than "TIME".
DAISEY: yes H is living with me and youngest son in the house I bought while he was living with OW.He has made it clear he does not want me to put his name on deed, that it can be our home, but it is my house. He is also planning on quitting his job in sept. and going back to school full time. I am glad he is leaving work since OW is there but I am scared that unless I get some reassurance that he has found those loving feelings he says he lost, that I am taking a huge risk. he points out that he is also taking a risk because he will have no where to go if he decides to leave. this has gotten crazy. I feel as if i am going insane
![[Confused]](images/icons/confused.gif){kind=icon}
![[Frown]](images/icons/frown.gif){kind=icon}
I asked again a little more directly, and she told me that it being there shouldn't be a problem, because she wasn't using it.