The rumor mill caught up with me earlier this week, something I have avoided like the plague. He's being mentioned by name around town and how he moved to another city to be with his girlfriend. Rumors sometimes contain a nugget of truth or a pound of illwill. He steadfastly refuses to tell me or the kids where he lives, which he is obligated to in the divorce papers. He's been gone over a month. His life is a secret.
I'd gotten miffed that his lawyer was sending his mail to our home address. Most of the mail consists of bills.. but correspondence from his lawyer was just too much. My lawyer told me to ask him where he lived, and to email her if he didn't tell. He explained his reasons and still never revealed the address. I wrote my lawyer, she faxed his lawyer, who didn't understand his secrecy. H never returned his lawyer's call and received a letter from him in the mail yesterday.
He immediately called me and was concerned and accusatory. I eventually shared with him the rumor and that I didn't want to know what he was doing, that any actions represented his own misery in his life. I didn't write the rules on the divorce papers. The issue wasn't the address, but his unwillingness to reveal it which was creating his problem. I suggested that if this is the life he wants to live, to embrace it and not hide. If you have to hide, what good are you doing yourself. You should be proud of what you do.
He never admitted or denied anything, but had several lengthy silences during our conversation, sharing that someone in the corporate office had asked him about the same rumor. He said it was a nasty rumor and he understood how it would upset me.
I heard the rumor Monday, the discussion was yesterday. Since yesterday I have never received this many phone calls, emails and texts (5 in total) in this time period. He went home sick shortly after our phone call and is staying home today, something he nevers does.
When I received the email this morning, I replied in a sympathetic manner and gave him a concise description of the event he missed (a banquet our son was part of).. just a brief note.
So.. 20% of me doesn't want to believe he has a girlfriend.. maybe a 'special friend' but not a girlfriend. 50% feels that the girlfriend rumor helps all the puzzle pieces fall into place. The remaining 30% doesn't have a clue.
I can't believe a man whose focus in life was integrity would lie. I can't believe a man who took pride in what was true and ethical would hide.
Before the bomb, I was concerned about his mental health, that he was going off the deep end.
I have no control over that now.
As this has progressed, I wonder about a MLC.
I have no control over that.
With the rumor, does he have a girlfriend?
I have no control over that.
What I am learning is that I have to stop flailing while trying to hold it together emotionally. As my DB coach suggested, just swim over to the side of the pool and hold onto the edge. Take care of myself, my children are watching and will come to me when they aren't afraid of me drowning them.
*hugs*
PS.. As an aside he said he felt I was pursuing him. How, I'm not begging, pleading.. I'm giving you all the space you need, I'm not holding on to someone who doesn't want to be with me. His reply was how could he not think that, based on all the books I had (DR, DB, etc). I told him that those books do say that staying married is the best thing for the kids, but it's all about getting a life, finding yourself again, improving who you are. If your spouse's interest is sparked, that's fine. But it's all about finding you and moving on.
PPS.. sometimes I get a little antsy here that other folks who may know me or him might be reading my posts.. paranoia or reality.. who knows?
