I'm totally new here. I have not read through all of the material and articles yet. But I have read one of Michelle's books, and I have a lot of experience and knowledge with relationships, divorce, etc (mostly by reading, but also because I am studying deliberately). I am currently reading as much as I can on this website to catch up and find out what you are all learning. So far, its awesome.
I wanted to post parts of my story, in case it helps anyone. Also, it helps me to share it, because I am learning and growing and changing all the time.
I met my ex-h when I was 19 years old, he was 27. He had a 2 year old daughter and was divorced when we met. I became pregnant within months, and we got married and had our son when I was 20.
I came from a broken home which had much love, but also had much dysfunction, especially with regard to marriage and divorce. I also have some abuse issues, and this was especially true when I was young and met my husband.
He provided a safe place for me to land at that time in my life, or so I thought.
I soon found out that there were many things about him which I didn't necessarily want in a partner, but we were married by then. We struggled in lots of ways for many years. Ultimately, we were married for 17 years. We ended up in one of the weirdest places anyone could imagine and finally, I just walked away. We are now divorcecd.
How we got into that weird place was BOTH of our faults. But I am the one who walked away, even though he really should have walked away and I don't know why he didn't do so years before.
I did some horrible things to him and to our relationship. And he did, too.
After I left him I met a wonderful man. That was over 4 years ago now and we are engaged.
Now...for the learning and growing part...
Things I did not do which I should have done (I only know this in retrospect and after years of soul searching):
1. I should have insisted on counseling after the first 3 years of marriage, when we were at a crossroads.
2. I should have invested more time into our relationship, instead of just becoming more and more independant.
3. I should have been more in tune with my ex-h's fears and so forth. He proclaimed for years that I would one day up and leave him. This became a self-fulfilling prophechy and I should have paid more attention to him and really dug into the "why" behind his saying this.
4. I should have read books and learned more about intimacy in general. I think now that I was just so young when I met him, that I could not be truly committed nor truly intimate at all. I had so much growing up to do and I should have done that somehow, one way or another, in a healthy way. With maturity, I now see all of this and have figured out how to be fully committed.
5. I should not have placed my children ahead of my husband in my heart. I now know that I used the kids as an intimacy buffer between us. At the time I thought it was only natural to put your children ahead of each other and ahead of yourselves. I now know this is not the correct way to have a happy marriage.
6. I should have had more individual counseling. I did have a little bit, to deal with my abuse issues, but not nearly enough, as I now realize and understand. There were such deep psychological scars on me that I had grown used to the pain and didn't realize I could live without it if I had the proper help.
7. I should have set my boundaries with my husband earlier, firmer, and more lovingly. Instead, I turned my back on the things that happened I didn't like and I did whatever I had to do to clean up the messes. I should not have enabled him like this (this has mostly to do with laziness and lack of ambition, not addictions or anything of that nature).
Now... I have a similar long list of the things my ex-h should have done differently, but I don't really want to start out with that. I just wanted to start laying my cards out on the table so as hopefully to help us all...help you and others to understand the WAW's mind, and help me to continue figuring out what I did wrong in my past so I don't repeat it.
I know that it may sound like I am saying "oh, I walked away from my husband and then walked straight into the arms of another man". I am fully aware of how it reads on paper, but please allow me to come back to that topic later and for now, I hope I am welcomed here and that I won't be run off as if I am a horrible person. I really have things to share that I believe will be helpful.
