My issue is not financial with the Jeep lease. It's the way over the top gift, no matter what his intention. My mobilization, or to but his way into my daughter's heart or my wife's pants. It's the 500 pound elephant in the room. It's totally inapprprite NO MATTER WHAT HIS INTENTIONS. THAT'S MY POINT! I WANT NO PART OF IT!
It's such an eye-brow raiser to anyone who looks at it. It's like me saying "I met this female Lieutenant General who I have become very close to. She hs decided to lease D16 a Jeep. Yes, it's too much, but it's done. I will not need your ID, because I have mine." This is what bothers me. I was sending home 11 grand a month. I took an occassional $2 for Motrin. Not once was there an email about how tough finacial times were. If they were tough, how does $10K for airline tickets and another 15K for trips to SE Asia and 3K for the basement help. Not one email from her about any of this. It IS a two way street. I couldn't have sent another penny home. She's right, I have not been involved. The last time I spoke to her about D17's college, one suggestion I put out was greated with "That's a horrible idea", not "That won't work because". I've called her on it before. No difference. I tell her I won't be talked to like that, she hangs up. I try to say "Yes, you're right, I willl." No luck.
If she's so worried about D17's tuition, why the basement, Vietnam, ski trips and unbridled airfare. I will not be made to feel guilty about her "How was I to pay for.....anything"
Sounded like sniveling. Sorry. Also, bad spelling on my part.... I know there is a difference between sending money home and being involved financially. Try as I may to do a 180 for a year with communication, it was greeted with silence at best and anger at worst. No matter what I try, no cahnge in her demeanor. so maybe my whining is sheer exasperation.
FLTC AGs last post on your locked thread was the best I saw. If you are doing that and venting here good to go. Like all we as your fellow posters react to what is presented to us.
Start doing your research, stop the lease you can do it, use emotion to your advantage where you ACT not RECACT. If anger comes out it's planned like a actor. Start calm and use emotion to emphasize points but use the emotion not letting it use use. Easy to say but hard to implement.
It's a business negoiation now and almost everything comes out of left field.
If you get a L get one with experience in your arena. Get a list of Questions for your Jag who may point you in a good direction. Does not mean your objectives change (saving family, helping kids, avoid being a hobo making 100K) just position yourself for if A happens then plan B kicks in.
Please Stomp a bad guy or two for us.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
You and AG are right Hill, however, I have tried every method I could over the last three years to try and please, communicate with and show her how much I really wanted to save this M. It went back to 2003 again when I took seriously and implmented everything I could that was recommended in counseling. She listened to nothing I recommended or wanted. (Let your needs be known. I did, for nothing!)
I have been treated worse than a stray dog these last three years, trying all kind of 180s, each time being met with anger, indifference or 6-8 seconds of any patience before she kicked into "Staccato robot woman" and begun speaking to me just as her email sounded. I took it and it did't change. I told her I did not want to be spoken to like that, she would hang up on me, or yell louder. I'm tired, frustrated, sad, and angry, all at once.
YOU MAY SAY I'M FIXATED ON THE PAST BY POSTING THIS, BUT THIS IS ONE FROM THE ARCHIVES. IT TELLS THE CHEERY TALE OF THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS BEFORE FLTC WOULD LEAVE HIS KIDS AND FAMILY FOR 18 MONTHS TO JOIN A NEW UNIT NOT YET FORMED, DESTINATION IRAQ. MY CHOICE. GOT IT. ROGER, OUT. THIS WAS CHRISTMAS 2006, WHEN IRAQ WAS EXPLODING, SO YOU CAN GUESS WHAT WAS IN MY HEAD. THIS IS PART OF A RANT. I PROMISE NOT TO DO THIS OFTEN, IF EVER AGAIN, BUT IT IS ONE OF THE MOST TELLING EXPERIENCES ABOUT WHAT I REFER TO AS "UNDIFFERENTIATED ANGER"; BEING ANGRY AT EVERTHING AND NOTHING AT ALL. I KNOW YOU'LL PROBABLY SAY I'M BITTER, AND YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT THIS IS JUST A FOLLOW ON TO THE LAST POST. I HAVE TRIED FOR 3 YEARS NOW, AND ALTHOUGH I NEVER QUIT ON ANYTHING, JUST COMMUNICATING IS WORSE THAN PAINFUL SHE HAS NOT CHANGED HER DEMEANOR IN OVER 5 YEARS. ALTHOUGH I DON'T WANT TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE SAINT FLTC, THERE IS NO REASONING, TRYING, CHANGING OPTION THAT WILL EVER WORK. THE SMARMYLAWYERBOSS-JEEP EXCAHNGE IS JUST ONE OF MANY ACID-FILLED EXCHANGES. THE STORY BELOW HAS BEEN THE STORY OF MY LIFE SINCE ABOUT 2000. I DO KNOW THAT I NEED TO LET GO OF THIS, BUT IT REALLY PUTS THE BEHAVIOR INTO CONTEXT AS A CONTINUOUS BEATING FOR 8 YEARS.
SORRY. I FEEL BETTER NOW. ENJOYED THE RANT. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
FLTC’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND CHRISTMAS 2006
The plan was to spend Christmas Eve and today w/ W. and kids. She was already angry because I didn't call early enough on the 23rd, and kids already cleaned the house. I was going to offer to clean it on the 24th and had no idea it would be done a day earlier. Went to my old house yesterday at around 9:15 AM. Took Ds to get present for W. Every year, we have had the same couple at our house for dinner. W. puts on a really spectacular spread every year, which requires a lot of planning and preparation. She buys great food and a lot of wine. We begin by having some wine and talking. W. started cooking dinner, and begins to lose her composure and asks if anyone has seen a "microplaner". I had no idea what she was talking about. She starts tearing cabinets apart, slamming stuff. D14 and I start to scramble, but realize we don't know what she wants. It ends up it was a cheese grater (who knew?) Ten minutes later, I ask to help and put cheese in a bowl. She immediately informed me that I picked the wrong bowl (it wasn't pretty enough). Five minutes later, W. gets upset because she can't find a bread basket. We all start to scramble again. W. goes to the basement to look for basket. Female guest looks at me and said : "You can't do anything right". After dinner, I clean all the dishes and put all the food away with Ds help. W. talks with guests. W. will not talk after guests leave, and starts stomping around.
Christmas morning: I purchased and wrapped all of the kid's stocking stuff, and more than half of the presents. She budgeted for presents,which of course I mostly pay for anyway, but I put a lot of it on my card instead of our common card (who cares?). Got W. $100 gift certificate for makeup and another $100 gift certificate for a liquor store that has great wine. Kids are happy, love their stuff. W. actually says thank you for today.
Afternoon rolls around. S8 is at a friend's, D16 is at a friend's, and D14 is on the computer. W. falls asleep in front of TV. I lay on the other couch near D14 and fall asleep for 10 minutes. W. leaves to visit her mother's grave and comes home in a rage. Said to me:" You're here to visit with the kids, not nap". 10 minutes, mind you. Not 2 hours. Two kids were not even home. I replied "It's just what you did" She replies" I'm not here to visit with the kids". Next landmine: I called my S's friend house saying I'm coming to pick him up. The mom says come and have a glass of wine. I took one of the 12 remaining bottles of wine W. purchased so I didn't show up empty handed. W. loses it again: "How many bottles of wine are you going to drink/take, 10, 20?". I had about one bottle all weekend. Remember I gave her a gift certificate for $100 at a liquor store that very morning. I can't reason with her. I go and return 30 minutes later.
W. starts to yell that the dishes have been out all day and they should have been put away. I did dishes all weekend, because I know I can't cook, and yes, some clean dishes were not put in the cabinet. D14 starts going after W. "Pick your battles. Why don't you just put the dishes away?" I told her to be quiet and back off.
I replied "I'll do it. Why does it need to be on your schedule?" "Because it's my kitchen." I know she did the planning and cooking. I don't just sit around however. All the presents, doing all the dishes, went out with kids to throw the football two times for at least an hour.
She might be stressed because I'm leaving for almost two years, with one being in Iraq, if all goes according to planned, but she's been like this for years. A love lost? Disappointment as a mother? Anger at me for sure for not stepping up with angry D sooner. Not showing up with a case of wine (which she would not like anyway). Maybe not offering to help earlier. Maybe as COG said, she's a caged animal. She'll be with kids all alone for about two years.
Figure this was up your alley. A Dutch politican released a short video today titled Fitna. It is about Islam and the Muslim migration to the Netherlands primarily. VERY controversial. Some have called it racist, although they're not using the word correctly as the video condems radical Islam, not any particular race such as Arabs.
Wow, I can't imagine how you must feel with all that beat down. I can't believe you have been at this for that long. Amazing man. I can't imagine what it must be like to live with someone who wants everyone to be a miserable as they are.
SMARMYLAWYERBOSS- sounds creepy as hell. That's inappropriate on every level. Is he married?
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Umm, have i missed something? What is the point in re-hashing the Christmas of 2006? FLTC, doesn't your W give you enough good material in the present? Don't get caught in the "I'm just processing/venting" trap! We like to say that we are "just getting it out" but sometimes it becomes a viscious circle where we are chasing our tails all day and not feeling any better. I have a bible verse hanging on my wall at work which reads: "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is praisworthy - think about such things" Philippians 4:8. Now, I'm not saying I'm the best at following that advice, as my thread somethimes shows only too well, but there is something really wonderful to be had from following this verse in our lives. Whatever we put into our heads expands so we need to be very concerned with how much hurt and anger we allow to get in there and we do ALLOW it. Be sure to let some good stuff in there too FLTC! Believe it or not there is alot of it out there, we just have to make an effort to find it! Thinkin' of ya.
FLTC I know where you are at bro. If the repost was a form of venting than good to go. You have our sympathy (though our sympathy honestly does not get you anywhere) whereas the wrong decision and kill you and your soldiers thus no one needs a POS (Piece of $h!^) lawyer messing with your kids. Been there done that.
If Plan A (save the marriage) is still plan A then instead of venting can you create a spreadsheet on W on what did and what did not work. Example Action Response (1 = bad 10 = good) Moving out to give space_____________1 Standing up on paying car insurance____4 Could help with how you interact in the future.
If plan B is in effect and you ever have to go to court hopefully you Get the right Judge thus used dogmeat will be attractive compared to this POS. Be Smart then Be Hard. Be the steel beam inside a velvet glove.
If your post to retroville is wallowing in toxic stew and attempting to elicit sympathy than 1. REDIRECT. 2. Lay out rope for the POS. You can do a lot of damage by being eliciting sympathy as deployed Officer who is responsible for people's lives and is being distracted. Document Document Document. Get as much QUALIFIED advice as you can. THere are lawyers who are patriots and probably would be glad to give out some tips. 3. Walk away from this board for a bit. Do what AG's post states then Instead of typing do situps. Whatever.
You da Man and you still are the boss and you have more influence than you think.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I have been treated worse than a stray dog these last three years, trying all kind of 180s, each time being met with anger, indifference or 6-8 seconds of any patience before she kicked into "Staccato robot woman" and begun speaking to me just as her email sounded.
Sounds like your wife doesnt like any change in you, and will fight any change you try to make, just to keep things "status quo". (and why wouldnt she! she has things pretty easy!)
I think that what you need, is the type of change that you can make 100% yourself, and also a change which you know is positive, and so you know that you want to stick to, even after she reacts with her typical anger/stoniness/....
I dont think it's even an "if". its a matter of when she reacts that way. So, be ready for it, and thus make sure that the change you make, is a change that you want to make reguardless of whether she initially fights you over it or not.
Maybe try one important, positive change (that you have control over) for a full month consistently. Then judge on how things look after a month, instead of after the first time you try it.
Last edited by Dom R; 03/28/0811:24 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
