H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

EPD,

Just a few quick questions for you. Can you come up with some "mini" goals as to DBing? Things such as "no arguing with him in the next convo" or keeping your discussions only about the kids or business, for now?

If you set some maneagable goals with short time lines, it's easier to get through this. But you can't have expectations so it's a balancing act between setting small goals, yet GAL with the idea that life with/without your h will ultimately be alright, at the same time.

Also, as for OW, you need to do the "stop sign" or similar approach I think. Others who are in your position have said it helps them when they start obsessing about their WAS's with OP. Just picture the stop sign and don't go there. It'll eat you up. And it'll prevent progress on any front for you.

Try hard not to involve other people. At this point you say you want to keep the option of reconciliation open. But the more people who know of the A, the harder it'll be for him to even consider returning, he'll be too busy defending himself or getting angry, which is what many people do when they feel guilty. They lash out. That does nothing for you or the kids. And the harder it'll be for you to work on the M, b/c most people you tell, will advise you to D asap, and will not support your choice to work on the M. If you try to reconcile and others give you or your H feedback that isn't helpful, it'll just haunt the M.

With your h and his friends/family, SOME of them will try to "support" him and say that "if the M had been a good one, h wouldn't have had an A" etc. Or "he can't help how he feels...." etc, blah blah blah. And "kids are resilient" so h can do whatever he wants, and have no remorse for it, nor any need to change, b/c after all, they'll be alright. So I just think the fewer people who know of it, the better for your chances of reconciliation down the road.

And for that matter, even without a recon, it's best for YOU if others don't know b/c shaming the OW, or your H, does nothing for you. In fact, telling others may cause you to appear vindictive and could backfire in several ways. In California, bad mouthing your spouse in front of the kids is called "parental alienation" and is legally very frowned upon (which means, I guess, that if you want to call your h an "@#$%!!", you have to stay married....).

So take the high road as much as possible, stay calm, do not react to him. And just curious, how did your older children react to the end of your first M? And now?
Hope all of you have a good weekend and do something that makes you laugh.
take care,

(( j- ))