I'm incredibly sad. I was sitting in bed when I started to think about what I would want to say to W once the D is finalized. I know this is a negative thought and goes against DBing, but the way things are right now, I really don't see any hope of staving off my D.
So as I was thinking in my head what I would want to tell W, I decided to go ahead and write her a letter that I could hand to her with our final papers. I began to write and explain how much remorse I have over my role in this mess.
I know I'm a good man and I know there is another 1/2 to our marital unhappiness, but I also know that I did play a big part in W's unhappiness and it is unfortunate that only now, only here in this place, can I finally see. Why is my clarity coming now, when my W is so unhappy? Why didn't I understand when I still had an opportunity to keep the train on the tracks? I feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me.
So I told W in the letter how sorry I was for this happening to us. I told her I was sorry for letting her down and for her losing faith in me. I explained that she was my best friend, yet I didn't make sure she knew how important she was to me every day. I took my marriage for granted at times, and I apologized for that. I told her she has the key to my heart and I don't think I'll ever be able to change that lock. She is my love. My dearest friend.
I wrote that I want her to be happy and to finally find the joy that I couldn't bring to her. I told her I loved her and I always will.
As I wrote the letter, tears were streaming down my face, just as they are now. I sobbed heavily and uncontrolably for a while before pulling myself somewhat together to come here, to my friends who completely understand my heavy heart. I felt the urge to make sure I told you, the ones who check on me every day, what I had written because I know you would all, in some way, understand.
I don't know if I'll send it to her. I guess, there is part of me that wants to send it now, but I won't. Not while she's this angry. It seems as if the reality of my marriage slipping away and slipping away quickly is beginning to hit me recently and I'm not sure what to do with my emotions. I'm not sure how I can hold things together in front of my D. I don't know how to handle the negative bombardments I receive on a regular basis from the woman who was once my protector and biggest fan.
It is all so very difficult to comprehend and so difficult to face. Why do we fall in love if this is to be the end result? Why do we put ourselves through this? Why am I still willing to fight for a cause that seems so hopeless? I don't understand what is wrong with me when I can't get mad at a person who deserves nothing but my anger and malice for her actions.
Maybe this is love. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I have to understand the depths, effort, and pain associated w/ truly getting something you want. I don't know why, but I know I'm here, asking you, my loving friends w/out faces, only screen names and stories of pain and hurt. This site has created a community of such trust that I don't feel safe talking about my situation and feelings anywhere else.
Thank you all for taking the time to read about my letter writing breakdown. We are all here to help and be helped. I believe we are part crazy and part saint. Whatever we are the good thing is we are all still here each and every day for ourselves and for each other.
I don't know when I'll send the letter, but it will be sent some day. I'll make sure you all are in the loop when it is finally delivered to W.
Tomorrow is anohter day which can hopefully be free of attacks from W and instead just filled w/ pleasant times w/ my D as we go ice skating from noon to 2 tomorrow then maybe off to the dog park w/ the hounds. As usual, we'll let the little one call the shots.
I don't think there was a thing wrong with writing the letter! Don't send it, that should wait. You'll know when the time is right. And you might improve it between now and then.
The sadness will get better over time. Don't send the letter--maybe later, but not now.
Let the lawyers deal with the financial stuff. I have a feeling that she is going to have a rude awakening about the meaning of "marital assets" and "marital debt."
You are doing great. Someone else on this board advised that, when dealing with spew, you need to be like the penguins from the movie Madagascar: "Just smile and wave."
RTL - Just to give you a little solace, my brother had a terrible divorce about 18 years ago where his W acted similar to yours being very hostile and using his son as a bargaining chip. He eventually ended up getting full custody and is now remarried to a very good wife and is extremely happy.
I believe from everything I have read from you that things are going to get better as time goes on. I think as soon as the custody arrangements are taken care of, you will start to feel some relief.
I find it weird to read about how most people are talking about taking a loss on their houses because of the housing mortage problem. Here in the Portland area, we dont seem to be affected by that because house prices seem more inflated than ever. I suspect when I get my appraisal on my house, I am not going to like it as it will be higher than I want (meaning I have to pay my W more for her share).
Oh, boy! I'd forgotten, since you are in AZ, I think she is in for a serious surprise with her mine and yours attitude! It means what you have is half hers, but what you don't have is half hers, too! Let the lawyers handle that crap, in fact, I would deflect to them any time she brings it up. Or ignore it.
Hey RTL.. I understand when you sayy Why is my clarity coming now, when my W is so unhappy? Why didn't I understand when I still had an opportunity to keep the train on the tracks? I feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. as I felt exactly the same way! I think a few of us here did. I guess our partners took the decision to conceal stuff and we had no say in that. It sucks bigtime.
I'm sorry she is being so hostile, she seems to be getting worse, rather than better..but it cant go on for ever, this anger and if you keep "being the man" one day she may notice. This anger of bile of hers wont do her or your D any good in the long run. In fact if she is in this space, I'd be surprised if the OM lasts as long as 6 months...your W cant be much fun to be around lately, what with that T-bar face and tension headaches!!
Ali _______________ Me: 36 H: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 will he reconnect?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
This is very difficult right now. I do have D w/ me so I'm happy about that, but working w/ W on anything is just so painful. I have to try and be "the man" for myself, my daughter and for hopefully my W some day in the future. Right now, however, she wants zero to do w/ me.
D and I slept in a bit and then I took her to her old daycare for a few hours so she could play w/ friends and allow me to go to my L's office to discuss finances. While at my L's office, I got some bad news -- I HAVE MORE COPYING TO DO! However, that really isn't a huge deal, just a pain in the a** to do. So, I have more files to find and copy, more forms to fill out and get them all done, ordered and organized by Thursday. This in addition to finding time to file our 2007 tax return. I'm so glad I have all this free time to concentrate on this financial stuff. Yuck!
The meeting w/ L was almost all positive as we discussed what we had and what was out there. I offered to do some collecting of items for W and he said, "don't worry about it now. Let them do some work." On the subject of W's allegations that I've wasted money, he simply said "let them prove it." So, that is what I'm doing -- giving them everything and letting them figure it out.
My L also said that W may end up owing me a bit of money as her car is worth quite a bit more than mine and the courts tend to look at our payments for mortgage/rent (hers being her rent and mine being the mortgage plus the equity line), adding them up and dividing them in half. So, since W is completely against helping me w/ the house and equity line, she may end up owing me a few hundred dollars for each month she refused to help pay. I pay roughly $1600 for the mortgage and equity line and if W's rent is say $800, then she'll end up owing me $400 for every month she didn't help me out financially. That will really, really tick her off to no end. However, in Arizona, we are both responsible for any and all debt acquired during our marriage. W is in for some reality shock, I think.
Finally, I've put calls into a painter, roofer, and another real estate agent to ask for opinions on selling the house and getting it market ready for sale. I need to have as many opinions as possible so I can present them to W and see what she says. I still need to get more estimates from additional roofers and painters, but I know there is an agent who lives down the street I can ask for my 3rd real estate estimate. That will be one of the biggest to get out of the way and hopefully help W make some sort of a decision on what to do.
My next step will be to contact a couple of leasing agencies to see what my house could fetch as a rental in case W wants a buy out and I decide to rent it for a while and wait for the market to recover. That is information I'll desperately need if I'm going to think of keeping the property. I just know w/ joint custody, I can't stay here as I'll most likely be "recommended" by the courts to live in the middle of my work and W's work. I've begun that process already and I don't think it will be hard to find something I can afford in a good neighborhood as long as I can have my mortgage and equity lines covered for this place.
W sent three e-mails today and I've responded to NONE of them. The first asked for feedback on her chart of dividing up the furniture. The second was her itenary for her and D's trip to Indiana to attend her neice's high school graduation. The third and final was information on possible flights and times for D and I to trave to Lake Tahoe over Memorial Day weekend to see my family in our summer reunion. It was awfully nice of her to do and it seems she was having one of her Dr. Jeckyll moments when she decided to look for a deal for me and let me know there were $99 fares to consider.
I'm sure once I reply it will be dealing w/ Mr. Hyde again, but for now, I'm staying dark and I may return her e-mail either tonight or tomorrow after D leaves. I haven't decided yet. I'm staying away from contact w/ W because it just makes me said and she usually blames everything short of global warming on me whenever she looks to communicate w/ me.
Well, that is it for now. I'll keep you posted as usual. Thanks for all your feedback, thoughts and concerns. They truly do mean a lot to me.
The only reply you need to make to your W's emails are "let's let the lawyers handle it" and "thanks for thinking of me." This way you stay out of the fray.
I wouldn't be too sure about having to move closer to your W's work. Let the process play out and see what happens. Given your W's instability, you could even end up with primary custody--don't feel guilty if you do. Can you afford to stay in the house w/o your W's income? The costs of divorce often make that impossible.
Hehe, I thought your W might end up owing you some spousal support. Just wait till she figures that one out. I've been where you are, and sometimes the only way to deal with the pain is to see the humor in the situation.
Lake Tahoe? I live in Sacramento and go to Tahoe a couple of times a year. It is beautiful. I hope you enjoy it.
We got married in Tahoe in July of 2000 at the Edgewood. W says it is her favorite place in the world. Thus, it will be bitter-sweet for me to be there this summer.
As for the money, I'm not sure I can stay in the house w/out W's income for too long. However, I may look to rent it rather than sell it if I can get enough to cover the mortgage and equity line costs. I just had a painter over who can paint the place and fixt the rotted board in front for less than $2K and be done in two days. That would be worth the time and energy not spent by me, so I'm strongly considering it. However, I have to run it all by W 1st, so who knows w/ that one.
As for the roof, it could cost up to $8K to replace which is a bit steep. All in all, I may need close to $10K to get this place market-ready and I know there is ZERO chance of W liking that option. Thus, my best bet may be to buy her out and do it myself. I'm still not sure, but I meet w/ another realtor this afternoon to get some more figures worked up.
I also think W has a very good chance of owing more money than she is counting on w/ our situation as we're in a no-fault state where all acquired debts are joint responsibilities. W will have to prove that I spent money on things that were wastful which I can't really think of off hand. In any event, she'll have the numbers and all the paperwork, so she and her L can sift through everything.
I wonder if her attitude will be better or worse toward me if and when she finds out that I didn't do anything underhanded or malicious?
