Please Help, Divorce Almost Final!!!

[jerry161]

Wife wanted to talk last night so I did. Of course it was just about us being "friends" through the D process. Hard for me to do this when there is OM involved.

I told her I have tried to be a great friend and be caring through the process but it was hard with OM and also the fact that her friend (the one noted above) is saying I am immature, irresponsible, whatever. She was VERY apologetic and said she would never say these things about me. She knows I am taking care of everything that I need to. It was hard to look at her. I love my wife so very much and in 8 weeks I will be divorced, maybe.

That brings me to the topic of our talk...as it started anyway. We are supposed to finish it today. I told her I would not stop the divorce and we would do it at her pace. She already has the paperwork and I am just waiting for her to sign it and then it will be filed. I did tell her I was disappointed that we did not try counseling or she would not read any books or anything. As much as our marraige has been in turmoil at times i don't think we EVER both tried to work on our issues together. It was always one of us trying to "fix" ourselves or each other. I truly think we can make a good marriage together.

We are going to finish the talk today. There is OM involved so I am sure she is not going to suddenly agree to try to work things out and this probably appears more like chasing to her. However, I am going to let her say what she wants to. I have already said that I will let her proceed with the papers at her pace. I am just hoping and praying that she will decide to not push them through right away. To clarify, I did not ask her to pull a u-turn. I simply ASKED her to slow down the process and give herself some time to see if at some point she would come back to the table and try to at least be open to counseling or reading or something. I did later tell her that even though I am asking her to slow down I am not forcing her to or threatening.

The closest I got to a threat was saying it will be hard to be friends because she is seeing OM while still married and that really bothers me. I told her I was also upset when I heard she said these things about me.....but then said I believed her if she said she did not say them. She was very nice and very apologetic during this time.

I am so torn up inside and hurt. I miss her in all ways and long for the day when I can even hold her hand. The fact that that day may never come is what is killing me inside. I have done self improvement and I like who I am right now. I am still trying to be even better and I guess that's all I can depend on right now is being better for myself.

The nights are very long and lonely, even when I have a female friend to keep me company for part of the evening. I am always thinking of her. There are times that I feel strong and that I can go on without her, but there are sometimes when I feel she is my whole universe. I would give anything to get her back, because at this point I know she would be happy with me.

I doubt that she is going to tell me tonight how fast she is going to proceed on D papers, so I think no matter the outcome (unless she does make a complete u-turn), I need to LRT and go completely dark to her. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the biggest challenge. I went dark for around a week and saw a tiny change but I'm not sure 8 weeks is enough time for her thoughts to start to change, especially with OM involved.

I feel helpless and hopeless right now. I feel like I want to fight forever to keep her, but there is no guarantee she will ever come back.