[girlfromipanema]

Hello everyone.

I found this site quite a while back and have been reading and reading and reading and reading. Several weeks ago I received DR and finished it in a day. I've been married just 3 1/2 years (together 6 1/2). We don't have any children. H and I work together and one of our female colleagues is our friend - I've always considered her my best friend other than my H. I don't think H realizes it, but he is probably having an EA with her and after two years of me trying to make him aware of some of the inappropriate behavior, things came to a head in early December. I lashed out at him physically, which I deeply regret. I just simply snapped. Things have been really, REALLY bad since.

We've discussed the possibility of a D and he just recently told me he has a lot of things to consider before making a final decision. My heart is broken, my self image and confidence are shattered and I'm confused. I only want to be in a marriage where I am cherished as much as I cherish my H. I have a lot of love in my heart and I give it freely to those I care about. I don't want the one I love to hold all the "power" in our marriage. I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect for him to be happy with me - it's simply not a realistic expectation.

______

H and I met at work in June 2001.

He's brilliant. He's honorable. He's a kind and good man. Very intense and focused, but one of the funniest people I've ever known. He's physically gorgeous. Charming, charismatic... one of those people good at everything they attempt. He comes from a very nice family. The whole package.

I'm intelligent, but not to his level. More scattered than focused... if I'm honest, a bit of a procrastinator. I'm attractive (some people have said I'm beautiful). My extended family is wonderful, but my immediate family is... well, you know the crazy uncle in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? That's my dad. My sister has it together, but my mom and I aren't even on speaking terms (she's a sweet lady, but overly involved in a crazy religion and I can't relate to her). A low-functioning thyroid has caused some very intense periods of major depression (pre-marriage), which my husband has never really understood. Depression is completely foreign to him. If my thyroid medication is optimized, I'm fine, and after several years of getting to know my thyroid disease, I recognize the signs that my levels need to be checked and meds adjusted. Anyway, I'm certainly not the whole package. I have a heart of gold, I'm very kind, I have many great qualities, but I also have many faults. When he initially asked me to marry him, I didn't believe I was good enough. He convinced me that he would only choose the best, and he chose me. Recently my feelings of inadequacy have reemerged and I'm thinking the best course of action (for his sake) would be to let him go so he could find his true equal.

Problem with that is I love him to bits and pieces. More than I ever thought I could love another human. I'm incredibly attracted to him and I admire nearly everything about him. I don't think he likes much about me right now. I'm so confused...

... to be continued.

[girlfromipanema]

OK, I'm going to try to summarize this briefly. I have been struggling with the friendship between H and our mutual friend for the past two years. The catalyst was a stupid question with an even more stupid answer. Me: "Do you wish you would've married "friend" instead of me?" H: "I wish I would've married both of you." I guess certain signs were leaving me feeling insecure in my marriage and my question was only half joking. My husband says his response was in jest; however, he also always says there's truth behind every joke.

The signs that something was happening between the two have been adding up over the years. I've tried discussing my concerns with him without a real resolution. I wanted to hear "I absolutely have no feelings for her. You're my wife and I love you and I would never jeopardize our marriage." But nothing direct was ever said to me.

In early November, a series of events took place that led me to look at H's cell phone history and I discovered an insane amount of calls between the two of them. I wrote him a heartfelt letter and his response was perfect. He said he could understand why I felt the way I did and even understood why I looked at his call history. I thought I finally got through to him and we would take the steps necessary to move forward in our marriage. In late November we (H, me, friend and her boyfriend) went on vacation together. Several things happened that led to my huge blow up and -- I hate to use this word -- physical assault. I hit him pretty good. We exchanged words and things have been HORRIBLE between us since.

We've discussed D, but nothing imminent. H and I took a trip overseas in February and when we returned I looked at his cell phone bill and noticed text messages to our friend EVERY DAY we were gone (2 weeks). My anger and hurt are overwhelming. I again wrote him a heart felt letter, which was met with silence. I met with my friend to explain why I was having these feelings, but she didn't give me the response I was looking for - she just kind of looked at me and blinked. I wanted her to tell me she would never betray me...

Anyway, this week my H and I finally sat down and talked about us and he said he had a lot to think about and consider - mostly things about me that he doesn't like. He brought up my past depression and he's concerned that I might resent him should we decide to have children. At the end of our talk, he pulled me close and kissed me. I told him I didn't know if I could do this; that every time he initiated intimacy it gave me hope and I don't want false hope. His response was "we haven't decided anything definite yet." So there is a small chance we can save our marriage.

I'm applying DR techniques and things are much more tolerable at home. We're on speaking terms, but he's still sleeping downstairs. No ILY's, etc. I'm also GALing and really focusing on me.

I have much at stake. Not only the loss of my marriage, but the loss of my friendship with our mutual friend. Also, H, friend and I are all shareholders in our company. I've dedicated the past 8 1/2 years of my life to this company and I don't want to be forced to throw it away. My H is much more valuable to the company than I, so he wouldn't be going anywhere... Also, we bought a house in 2004--at the peak of the real estate market. Since then, our house has lost about $100,000 of its purchased value. I can't afford the mortgage by myself, so H would get the house and I wouldn't even get any money from a buy out due to the market crash in CA. I don't want to have to start over completely - new job, new friends, new crappy apartment.

So much for being brevity. It feels good to let this out.

[smith18]

It is great that you are focusing on yourself. Try to become the lady that any guy would want.

Is your H willing to go to marriage counseling to work out any issues between the two of you?

You must be a pretty good puncher. I cant imagine my W hurting me at all with one of her punches. I would probably laugh and say something like Jake Lamotta would ("Is that all you got?"). A kick to the groin is a whole other matter.

[smith18]

BTW... Are you from Rio or is your nickname just a reference to the famous song (which I cant get out of my head right now)?

[girlfromipanema]

KerryK,

I feel like I know you. I've read your threads very thoroughly. I'm so impressed with your intelligence and love for your children.

I'm pretty strong, so my punch packed a wallop. My H has a black belt in Taekwondo so I'm lucky he only pushed me away. I wish he would have hugged me close and told me he was sorry for causing so much damage/pain to my heart and confidence... but that's not his way.

My H is a very traditional asian man (has only been in the states since college) and not open to marriage counseling. My IC is japanese and understands the way of the traditional asian male. H supports me in seeking IC, but does not want to involve an uninterested third party in our personal affairs. Trust me, I've tried to get him to come around.

Friends tell me any guy would be lucky to have me. I do have a lot of fun, wonderful qualities. I know I can be a better person and always want to seek personal growth. I think I focused so much of my attention (and love) on my H that he may feel I'm ultimately dependant on him for my happiness. Time for me to focus on MEEEEEEEEE!

BTW, I'm not from Rio, but I love the song. I never think of any clever screen names...

Hang in there, KK.

[girlfromipanema]

H and I are making an effort to be pleasant to each other, for that I am exceedingly grateful. Last night I had dinner ready when he came home from work, but told him I was going up to bed because I didn't sleep well the night before. He asked if I ate and I told him I had a bowl of cereal. I was upstairs getting ready to go to sleep and heard him call out my nickname. He seemed concerned that I only ate a bowl of cereal and wanted to know if I wanted some of his chicken. I thought that was nice of him. However, he continues to sleep downstairs... Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. He hasn't called me by my nickname in a long time.

I signed up for an art class I've been wanting to take for many months and tomorrow is my first day. =)

[smith18]

Good thing with the art class. I took up golf lesson for myself shortly after the bomb and enjoy it a lot. I also have noticed that my W likes the fact that I found something to do on my own that makes me happy.

Patience.

[Gypsy]

Hey girl..

Sounds like you've got a bad case of the himhimhim's. I'm writing you a prescripton for mememe's.

I viewed my spouse as a demigod. He was so wonderful at so many things and that although I had some good qualities, nothing compared to the man he was. Eventually my sense of self worth resulted in me clinging to him for his approval. My sense of reality became very warped.. and I lost 'me', the woman he was attracted to, in the process.

Oopsie.

1. You know in your heart that you're beautiful, but it's easier to be modest.

2. You and he were both very lucky and blessed to find each other. Getting married isn't a one way road.

3. You can't expect others to give you the answers you want to hear. What you can do is define your boundaries and expectations, then ask the question. Just be prepared hear something you don't want to.

4. Decide if you want to go the DR path or the more traditional anger/hurt/some thoughts of revenge/rejection stew. One thing I've found is the positive mental attitude, the 'can do' philosphy helps me immensely.

4a. Consider talking to one of the counselors here.. or a solution based therapist. They were good at clunkin' my noggin so I understood what was going on.

5. You cannot control the actions of others, only your response.

6. Writing letters and soulful conversations aren't working with your H or BFF. Try something different..

7. TRY YOU!

Now.. just for the record, you're wonderful, you're beautiful, you're caring. Just give yourself some o' that love you slather on others.

*hugs*

[Snow White]

Hi Girl,

I went looking for your thread after you wrote to me today. Some things are very similar for me. My H's OP is not my friend but that is what he claims she is to him, a cell phone bill with 200 calls in December is what blew the top off. At that time he understood and wasn't going to do it anymore, fast forward to vacation in Feb, he called and texted her everydaym this time when I confronted him about it he was unsure of his feelings. A month and a half later he is still here but still talks to her, he no longer says ILY, or uses and language that indicates that we are in love or speaks of a future. Everyday is an emotional struggle for me because I like you believe that the person I am with should love me like I love them,

I saw a quote at work one day that says just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want them too doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.

[girlfromipanema]

Today was my first day attending the painting class. I learned about color theory and practiced mixing paint colors. I enjoyed myself very much. It was a nice distraction, since Saturdays are the days H and our above mentioned friend are together doing/shooting/playing (?) archery for 5+ hours. I'm doing my best to maintain my PMA, but it's difficult when I know the two of them are alone together.

H and I continue on the same track - we're pleasant to each other, but nothing more than that. We are completely disconnected. I miss what we once had and wonder if it's possible to get that back.

I was talking to a friend today about how I'm nervous that I'll end up alone. Before my marriage I was with one guy for almost 10 years - from 18 to 28, with a few break ups spattered about in our early 20's. I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him but we had a passionate love for each other and it was difficult to make a break. After we finally broke it off for good, I was alone for just over a year and not one man tried to express interest in me until my now husband. To be honest, I was the one who initiated things with him. My friend says it's because men find me intimidating - which is absolutely not true. I'm attractive, but not extraordinary. I'm a bit shy at first, and not much of a flirt so maybe I send a signal to men that says "stay away". Anyway, it's too early to think about a future without my husband, but my mind tends to wander and I think about all the possibilies my future may hold.

I think tomorrow I'll plant some flowers.