Hey Lady....I have learned I can not judge anyone. I have not lived their life. Please don't go. You and Hff have helped me allot. My W has said she loves me but does not feel "intimate" in love with me. It seems like that is how you feel. Is that close? It is true that life does have choices but it is not that simple. I mean you can have a choice between an apple and an orange. BUT something makes you choose one over the other.
Take care both of ya. You have helped me allot
DrLOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Please don't go. You and Hff have helped me allot. DrLOve
W was not in a good mood after reading some of the previous posts and swore she wouldn't come back. I'm hoping her curiosity will get her to come back and take a peak. Everyone that is posting here on the thread really does mean well and you all do offer good advice. I'm hoping that she does start posting again to provide some balance to my stuff. I post from my perspective and my assumptions, and sometimes I know I'm off base.
Originally Posted By: husband
My W has said she loves me but does not feel "intimate" in love with me. It seems like that is how you feel. Is that close?
That seems dead on, but again this is just interpretation of how she's feeling.
Have you heard of a book called Peace Between the Sheets? I have very recently been told about it and I think it could really help me with the romantic / loving / sexual side of my M.
I've heard others recommend that Saffie. I'll need to look into it.
Originally Posted By: saffie
I love my H very much but sometimes I don't feel like I want the intimacy and it bothers ME that I feel like I don't want it. I feel like I should. And the more I feel bad about this area the worse things get until I just withdraw from the R and feel like my H is pursuing me.
This sounds like our dynamic. And the reverse is also true. I don't like to feel like I'm pursuing and it frustrates me when things get to this point. I know that this bleeds into the way I interact with W overall to the point where we both withdraw which doesn't help the situation at all.
So Saffie, what do you do to counter that dynamic? How do you get yourself to point where you want that intimacy? Is there something that your H is doing or not doing that would help?
When we realise it is happening we try and 'time out'. In the past I have said that I would like at least a couple of weeks without certain pressures being exerted, or topics of conversation raised, so that I can try and get my head together. That often helps.
I re-assure my H that I do love him and that I am exploring why I feel like I do - he knows I am reading about things all the time and trying as much as I can do in my own way to keep working on the M. I am working at expanding my 'comfort zones'.
Basically I know I don't want to be with anyone else but I don't know why I get to feel so disconnected at times. In the past I didn't communicate about any of it at all and so my H thought I no longer cared about him which ended up in him having an A. Now I talk to him he knows I care. My reaction to his A showed him just how much I cared and he was quite shocked.
I have spent a fair amount of time having cognitive behavioural therapy. I really have to look at why I react the way I do, and then once I understand it, challenge myself and move forwards. Not always easy. I also find that I seem to either function on a practical level - ie keep the house ticking over etc and all the balls up in the air - or I function on an emotional, sorting myself out level, when the rest of me shuts down and I seem to reside in my head. I don't think I am explaining this very well - sorry.
Anyways - about that book I mentioned. I think Mom might find it helpful. I was given a link to an article about it by someone but I feel unsure as to whether I can post it or not with things being the way they are on here. I will have a think about how I can get it to you.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
why is it the "REAL" people i talk to seem to understand or at least try to see my side a bit yet those of you who don't know me don't understand or even TRY to understand.
Mom,
We are "REAL" people going through very real sit's in many cases much like your own. Why it doesn't always seem like we are trying to understand YOU'RE side? That I can't say...sometimes people here post from their own pain and hurt and project it onto you. It should be but that is the nature of a message board like this. People should TRY to understand your perspective but get stuck in the fantasy world of you shouldn't have those thoughts/doubts/feelings simply because you made a commitment or that those thoughts/doubts/feelings can go away and that you somehow have the choice in the matter...hey green beans are good for you but not everyone can eat them...some people litterally gag on them despite knowing they are good for them. Can they just click a mental switch that will make green beans tolerable to their palate or should give up on green beans and eat a different green vegetalbe instead...I don't know.
Maybe part of the reason the people in your "real" world seem more to "understand" you is because they are a part of your real world. They are on the inside, they are closer to you and are not looking at you AND your h. They are empathizing with you...but where is that getting you? You have to also be able to understand or at least try to understand your h's perspective. Maybe you are doing that already if so that's great.
Maybe we should all just back off of both of you for a bit and let you "dialogue" to eachother here and we'll only butt in when the two of you get stuck in your own corner and aren't hearing things or trying to understand the others perspective.
When other couples have come here together that has been a very productive way for them to post.
I recommend reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie. She has an inquiry process to use to get at the core of why you feel how you feel about any particular issue. It's a simple process, but it's also really powerful. She also has a book that is specific to relationships...I think it's something like, "I need you; is that true?" It contains the same process.
In the end, it's our judgments about our thoughts about things that cause us pain. It's helping me start to get over my feelings about an inappropriate friendship my H had during our issues...and a woman with who he is still friendly.
BTW, I, too, feel a lack of connection with my H and it bothers me. A lot of it (I'm coming to realize) are the thoughts that run rampant in my head...especially around this woman. I hold myself apart out of fear and some anger. But that's my work...and my H being more open and not hiding things from me is his work.
But you know, all we can do is work on ourselves. Other people aren't even our business....
I do think there's hope for you guys, but ease off on the pressure on each other and yourselves. Work on yourselves.
Good luck!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Saffie has my E-mail, I know that Hff has Saffies.... PLEASE E-Mail me I need to talk to you about things I don't want to post. My sitch is at a critical point now and I don't want to blow it. I have real Questions I need to ask you. I need to find out how you feel about things so I can try to understand how my W feels. I can and will not judge you. Your feelings and thoughs are not right or wrong. THEY ARE YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS...
Dr LOve (Husband)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sorry, H. I was just trying to be helpful. It was a fun night.
