I have not posted in 3 weeks. I really have stayed away, not only because I believe my H found this site, but I needed take time out for me and my children.
Both children had birthdays this month. A very emotional time for my H. S16 got his permit...a very scary time for me. I am watching my beautiful baby turn into such a wonderful young man. It is so sad that his father is missing out everything that is going on in his life.
The last month with my H has been crazy. I try to remove myself from his drama...and Snodderly, you are right, he tries to suck me back in.
A few weeks ago h's sister came in with her family for a day from texas. BIL's father was ill so they could only spend a day in our town and had to travel to be with his family.
H called and asked if he could take d13 to see them. No problem I said. He asked if s16 would like to come....I asked s16 and he did not want to be in a car with H. A little while later, s16 asked if I could drive him down to see him. He would be ok with being at h's sister's house with H there...just not in a car.
I called H to say...hey, S16 wants to come, he is ok with you being there, how about I drop them off and you don't have to drive up to get them. I have errands to run and I can later pick them up...Well the big baby says he's not coming if s16 won't ride with them. So, I dropped the kids off and picked them up. H's loss.
He later called to tell me that from now on if s16 wants to come to any of his family events he must go with H or not come at all. According to him s16 must learn there arre consequences. I couldn't believe the words were coming out of his mouth. This is his child. Given to us by God. And now he wants to give him this ultimatum...in order for him to be forced to go with him.
I really didn't want to get into it with H, but i did speak my mind and asked him how he can do this to his child. Bad enough he wants to break up his immediate family, now he want to remove s16 from the extended family.
So childish.
After that I really pulled back from H. He came over for s16's b-day and gave him his gifts. S16 stayed in the room and opened them with him, but really couldn't handle H being there.
For d13's b-day he came by and cooked her dinner. When he asked if he could cook for her, I thought he was taking her to his parent's house and cooking down there....no he came to my house.
No matter how hard I try to distance a little...he creeps up. He even bought us a prime rib for easter dinner, and then I felt obligated to ask him to stop by after work.
Anyway, so as not to bore you with a long post, I will fast forward to monday. I had the day off. Kids had school. H came by before his c appt. to see d13. He drops her off at softball for me and comes back with a pack of papers to sell the house again.
This time, the price is dropped significantly. He says, either I clean it up (the house is not dirty....but there is clutter and the kids rooms...well they are teenagers) or we sell it for 40k less than he thinks it's worth.
I said to H, that I work full time, I take care of the kids full time (he works nights...as a bartender) and if he wants to do the work and sell the house, he can do it. I told him that this will crush his children. That he has taken everything from them and once again is trying to take their home.
H started in how we can't afford the house, he wants his money so that he can be free and move on. I finally lost it. I told him we afforded the house fine before he left 2 years ago. H did the old revision of history. Started blaming me for everything again.
I realized at that point, my H can't get over past mistakes. He can't forgive me and get past our financial problems that we had from our business. It is easier for him to leave me behind and start fresh with MOW.
I finally told H that it was clear what his feelings are for me and what his intentions are. I told him that I will let him go. I will move forward and be done if that is what he wants. That I forgive him ...but I see how he will never get over the past. It is easier for him to walk away. I questioned whether he ever cared for me...it was just too easy for him to walk.
I left him with that. There was much more to the conversation, but I can't recall it all right now. I do know that my H does not like me being mad at him. He called me that evening, a few hours later, and he tried to tell me that he cared for me. I was tired and didn't want to get into it with him. I told him I see clearly now what he wants, and I am letting him have his freedom.
The next evening he called me. Asking a stupid question. I was short and brief and hung up. He called in the middle of the night and said he didn't want me to hate him. Whatever. I told him I didn't hated him, I was loving him enough to give him what he wants. I once again told him he was clear on what he wanted. That he wants to sell the house and be free. The conversation lasted almost 45 minutes. Longer than I wanted.
I know this is bad dbing. But it is me trying to do something different. Perhaps a 180. I was stuck in the mud with this man. He was coming by and acting like everything was fine..... and it's not. If he wants to be free and be with MOW then let him see what it is like without me.
I am angry. My h told d13 that he is selling the house and she will probably have to change schools, etc. D13 is so upset. I have never seen her so sad. I have asked her to go to counseling and my SIL is going to call her to try to tell her how good it will be for her to talk to a C.
D13 told me how much she misses H, how she doesn't want to move, etc. When I ask her to tell her dad how she feels, she says he is too much of a drama queen. She can't talk to him about this.
My H is destroying himself. I will not let him destroy my children or me. I will still stand for my M but right now I have pulled way back. He calls. I give short answers and get off the phone.
Let's see how he likes life without me. Perhaps he will. My h can't forgive, so I don't know if he will ever come back. I am just glad that I have the love and respect of my children.
Snodderly, If you are out there reading this, this is M*ps*y. I pray for your words of wisdom, because I don't know if this man is gone for good or not. I pray for guidance from God, because I feel that at every turn in this crisis I have made mistakes that have prolonged this.
In the meantime, my time with my children is most important. I will not miss a thing with them and in doing that, the focus is off of H and on them. I am looking forward to spring and long walks and wonderful times.
