I'm incredibly sad. I was sitting in bed when I started to think about what I would want to say to W once the D is finalized. I know this is a negative thought and goes against DBing, but the way things are right now, I really don't see any hope of staving off my D.
So as I was thinking in my head what I would want to tell W, I decided to go ahead and write her a letter that I could hand to her with our final papers. I began to write and explain how much remorse I have over my role in this mess.
I know I'm a good man and I know there is another 1/2 to our marital unhappiness, but I also know that I did play a big part in W's unhappiness and it is unfortunate that only now, only here in this place, can I finally see. Why is my clarity coming now, when my W is so unhappy? Why didn't I understand when I still had an opportunity to keep the train on the tracks? I feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me.
So I told W in the letter how sorry I was for this happening to us. I told her I was sorry for letting her down and for her losing faith in me. I explained that she was my best friend, yet I didn't make sure she knew how important she was to me every day. I took my marriage for granted at times, and I apologized for that. I told her she has the key to my heart and I don't think I'll ever be able to change that lock. She is my love. My dearest friend.
I wrote that I want her to be happy and to finally find the joy that I couldn't bring to her. I told her I loved her and I always will.
As I wrote the letter, tears were streaming down my face, just as they are now. I sobbed heavily and uncontrolably for a while before pulling myself somewhat together to come here, to my friends who completely understand my heavy heart. I felt the urge to make sure I told you, the ones who check on me every day, what I had written because I know you would all, in some way, understand.
I don't know if I'll send it to her. I guess, there is part of me that wants to send it now, but I won't. Not while she's this angry. It seems as if the reality of my marriage slipping away and slipping away quickly is beginning to hit me recently and I'm not sure what to do with my emotions. I'm not sure how I can hold things together in front of my D. I don't know how to handle the negative bombardments I receive on a regular basis from the woman who was once my protector and biggest fan.
It is all so very difficult to comprehend and so difficult to face. Why do we fall in love if this is to be the end result? Why do we put ourselves through this? Why am I still willing to fight for a cause that seems so hopeless? I don't understand what is wrong with me when I can't get mad at a person who deserves nothing but my anger and malice for her actions.
Maybe this is love. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I have to understand the depths, effort, and pain associated w/ truly getting something you want. I don't know why, but I know I'm here, asking you, my loving friends w/out faces, only screen names and stories of pain and hurt. This site has created a community of such trust that I don't feel safe talking about my situation and feelings anywhere else.
Thank you all for taking the time to read about my letter writing breakdown. We are all here to help and be helped. I believe we are part crazy and part saint. Whatever we are the good thing is we are all still here each and every day for ourselves and for each other.
I don't know when I'll send the letter, but it will be sent some day. I'll make sure you all are in the loop when it is finally delivered to W.
Tomorrow is anohter day which can hopefully be free of attacks from W and instead just filled w/ pleasant times w/ my D as we go ice skating from noon to 2 tomorrow then maybe off to the dog park w/ the hounds. As usual, we'll let the little one call the shots.
