I went to yoga class and it was actually the most intense yoga class of my entire life. I am not exaggerating. It was all about hip openers (where we "store" a lot of blocked emotions) and almost every pose we did seriously made me want to scream it was so intense. But afterwards I was feeling VERY grounded and connected to my own INNER CALM, so I chatted with my yoga friends and then went outside and made the call.
I did it!! I called him!!
It went to voicemail after 2 rings, so I just said, "Hey B, it's me! I'd love to catch up with you, so give me a call, or I'll give you a call! Bye!"
I listened to the voicemail before I sent it. I sounded pretty excited, so maybe not "calm", but definitely friendly and upbeat.
Then I spent the 3-4 mile bike ride home working off the INSANE ADRENALIN RUSH that this caused!!
So guys, how long do I wait to call him again, if he doesn't call me???
I want to say... thank you ALL SO MUCH for your help and love... I feel truly, truly grateful to each of you for listening to me and supporting me, so patiently, so firmly!!
Wow, thank you for visiting!!! It is nice to "meet" you!
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Second - You seem so strong even from the beginning. Did you cry a lot, go through depression, etc.? You're very mature for your age.
thank you, I'm blushing Well, I didn't start posting until almost 3 months after the first bomb. So all of October and most of November was Crazy Transformer Time. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't really eat, I would pace back and forth in my apartment at four in the morning brushing my hair to try to calm down, I would call my friends on the west coast who were still awake so I could calm myself down and try to sleep. I talked so much on the phone that I almost injured my hand!! I asked every single friggin' person I trusted for advice. Sometimes it made me feel better, sometimes it made me feel much worse, and the thing was, I couldn't predict it at all.
At one point a close friend suggested that I FORCE my B to tell me if there was any hope and that if there wasn't I must move on. I hung up on her and had a panic attack... and then called another friend (it was almost midnight) to come over and help me calm down. I asked people to be on "watch" overnight so I could call them if I started freaking out. For some reason, I didn't cry that much, there were a couple big weepfests, but mostly I was just in shock.
Also, because I am in grad school for music and I was getting ready for a huge performance that was 18 days after the second bomb, I just had to keep on with everything in my life like it was normal. So more like, anxious and numb was how I felt. And trying to do everything possible to understand what was happening.
So... I was in a pretty different place back then... but as they say, "if you're going through hell, keep going." I really feel like this was a huge Wake Up Call from the Universe that I needed to get my S*&# together and change. I *thought* I had it together, but clearly, I did not!
Oh, I hope that was not too long!! I am going to read your story and tell you what I think!
He called me !! He called me back I think as soon as he got my voicemail. And we talked!! For almost six minutes!!
The phone rang, I saw it was him. I took a couple deep breaths and picked up. I was very happy, positive, friendly, upbeat. He laughed a lot during the conversation. He told me he was so surprised to hear from me. He had just finished playing a concert and was expecting a voicemail from a friend who was coming to see him and was going to meet him at the stage door, so he was totally surprised to hear from me instead of from her. (This made me a little nervous, because he didn't say her name, so I thought it might be a OW or something, but I kept my cool.) I told him I wanted to call him to thank him for the key, and how it was very thoughtful and considerate of him, and also surprised me! We laughed.
He asked me how I was doing, and I told him I'd been really busy with school, and that things were going better with my cello teacher. I kind of playfully asked him to guess who I met at school today, and then told him about how I met a mutual friend's mom. I told him that my teacher, who is colleagues with mutual friend's mom, brought her into my practice room, which has a view of all the skyscrapers to show mutual friend's mom all the windows that were broken from the tornado that hit downtown atlanta recently. Then I realized I had been talking for a while so I asked him how he was doing.
He told me about the concert he had just finished playing. It was in NYC, with a VERY prestigious new music ensemble. (Which is great for him--I've been praying that he would get really good opportunities where he lives, instead of having to travel constantly for work. All the musicians in the group are phenomenal, so it was probably very rewarding artistically and also financially fo rhim.) He told me about the one good piece, by a composer named John Zorn, who was in the audience. After the concert B talked with Zorn and Zorn said something like, "wasn't that f&*(&*& phenomenal?", praising the performance, and we laughed, and I affirmed. He talked about how most of the other pieces weren't so good, and I made a joke, "why do people write this crap and expect other people to play it and listen to it?" and then we laughed.
There was a "beat" and it sounded like he was about to start to get off the phone, so I tried to beat him to it, and something like this happened:
T: Well, I should get going. It was really good to hear from you. B: yes! Let's talk again soon. I mean, you can call me, or I can call you...dkljsdkfjs T: What was that? B: I don't know what I'm saying (laughteR) T: [makes "silly nervous sound" I used to make all the time] B: (laughter) T: It's understandable [that you don't know what you're saying]
He also said that it was good to hear my voice, and at some other point in the conversation said he was glad to hear from me and glad to know that I was alive. I responded with similar sentiments.
PHEW!!!!
I had no idea what to expect, but I think it went really well!
Positives: -He called me back right away -The feeling was very positive, friendly, light. -He sounded happy. This surprised me! I was expecting him possibly to still be in "ANGER MODE". His happyiness on the phone could mean that he is in a better place with himself and life, or even that he was actually happy to hear from me. -There was a lot of laughter! -He, unprompted, seemed to suggest interest in further contact -He also said "I don't know what I'm saying," which I thought was kind of vulnerable, considering the context -We shared the 'silly nervous sound' that we used to share when we were together -Also, at some point in the conversation he said, "yeeeeeesss..." and stretched the vowel out so it sounded kind of silly and Russian. I said it right back to him. This was something I used to do that he picked up and then we would do it all the time. It made me happy to hear him do that.
And I met multiple goals!!
He will contact me for some reason. (the package) He will call me on the phone (well, he responded to my voicemail) We will laugh together about something. He will ask how I am doing.
I feel like I did a really good job, and he seemed to respond really well.
Can I tell you guys something? It was really weird to connect to him on the "casual friends" level. He is definitely the same man that I love, but I have never connected to him that way before. It was kind of disorienting, and almost made sad, like, who is this guy? Does this make any sense? Have any of you guys had this experience?
I'm realizing that even though I've done so much work on myself, the real work is just beginning, and it is probably going to be a LONG haul.
I feel kind of nervous... should I have tried to do this earlier?? Also, should I have asked more questions about what he was doing? I wanted to be friendly and interested but because it was the first conversation I *really* didn't want it to seem like I was prying. Do you think I was too distant?
I am starting to feel really emotional and confused... What does this mean? Was he surprised to hear from me because he thought I hated him? Was he surprised because he wasn't attempting to "initiate contact" when he sent the package? Did I just act like I don't give a S#($ about him?? I thought I was through with the rollercoaster... Maybe I just took a five month vacation....
YAYY!!!! ((((T)))) SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! YAY!! SHRIEK! HI FIVE HUGS!
You did perfect! Absolutely perfect! How fantastic is that!!!
You are so right about all the positive and how it met so many of your goals! You are a star! No you didnt ask too many questions. Top marks for how you handled the end of the conversation (I need lessons from you!).
And now its totally normal to come off the 'high' of contact, and get a bit emotional and out of control. - Just go with it (you are not losing your mind, - it happens to me everytime too!)
I agree its a weird feeling to connect as 'just friends' - because its so familiar but so strange at the same time. So comfortable but so different too.
Dont over analyse the conversation to bits. It left you feeling good - so just go with that. (Of course you are going to analyse every millisecond of the six minutes - its totally natural, but dont start reading things into stuff that isnt there).
Oh boy he is so going to be thinking about you! Must have been so nice for him to hear you laugh and to share a few jokes with you.
How cool was it that he rang straight back!! YAY!!
Dont know what your next move should be, but I'd be tempted to see if he will make another little move towards you now. It might be appropriate to send a thoughtful little present (cause you had such good ideas about those!) in a few weeks time - dont rush anything though.
(((T))) you did a great job of building a little bridge of friendship.
Essie, thank you so much. You are so encouraging!! I am so glad to hear I am not crazy to kind of spiral out of control after the contact. Thank you so much for "holding my hand" and sharing all your thoughts with me. I am so happy that we can share this journey together and lift each other up!!!
I think it's time for me to go to bed! (((HUGS))) T
I hope you have a lovely sleep (and sweet dreams!). Its been so exciting to share your journey! I would never have guessed that after 5 months of NC it would break in such a fantastic way.
You did so well to be laughing and joking with him - that is so attractive to anyone. Its infectious! (Let's hope he catches a big dose of T)
I dont know what else to say... I'm flabbergasted!!! My gast has never been so flabbered.
T: Well, I should get going. It was really good to hear from you. B: yes! Let's talk again soon. I mean, you can call me, or I can call you...dkljsdkfjs T: What was that? B: I don't know what I'm saying (laughteR)
OH MY GOD again. Amazing. Thank the stars :-)
((((((T))))))
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Well, I didn't start posting until almost 3 months after the first bomb. So all of October and most of November was Crazy Transformer Time. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't really eat, I would pace back and forth in my apartment at four in the morning brushing my hair to try to calm down, I would call my friends on the west coast who were still awake so I could calm myself down and try to sleep. I talked so much on the phone that I almost injured my hand!! I asked every single friggin' person I trusted for advice. Sometimes it made me feel better, sometimes it made me feel much worse, and the thing was, I couldn't predict it at all.