I know things seem really rough right now, but there are MANY positive things in your situation:
1. your H is still interested in working things out, even though he has expressed to you that he has doubts.
2. AND, what he wants from you is True Emotional Intimacy! SCM, so many people on this board would give ANYTHING to hear that from their spouse.... that is amazingly solid ground upon which to build. That is truly, truly, beautiful. Hold fast to that. What your H wants is for you to open up and share yourself and be vulnerable... of course that is terrifying but it sounds like it is already so healing for you and such an amazing basis on which to build amazing love.
3. ALSO, it is AWESOME that you have found out about this issue of not sharing your emotions! that is SO, so, so huge.
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He says I tend to display more of my brain than my heart, and what he really needs is all that emotion and "real stuff" inside of me.
I wanted to write to you because I just realized in the past couple months that I have the same issue, or maybe a variation on it. I am very comfortable acknowledging my emotions to myself, but some emotions (like anger) are really hard for me to share with others. Also, I have a strong habit of sharing my analysis of my emotions instead of my emotions themselves. Like what you're going through, it can really inhibit connection because I'm not actually sharing my feelings.
I have a couple thoughts I am going to just throw out there and see what you think:
-Can you go to individual counseling as well as couples counseling? I am in IC right now and I NEVER would have figured out these issues by myself, or maybe I would have noticed when I was 80 years old or something! It has *really* accelerated my growth.
-I think the first step, you probably totally already know this, is just to start bringing awareness to whatever feelings you're having and identifying them silently within yourself. I have been practicing this a lot. It sounds really basic but obviously for me it's not because it's not automatic. I'll stop and ask myself, "what am I feeling?" and then take a moment to acknowledge it. Sometimes if it is a really strong feeling I take longer to just experience the feeling, not go off into a narrative/story/analysis, but just experience it.
-Also, I have been trying is practicing expressing my feelings in "lower key" situations, to build up to expressing them in more intense situations. It's like training wheels or something.
-When I started dating my SO, long before any bombs dropped, I told him I was afraid if he knew how I felt he wouldn't like me, and that it was ackward to share my feelings and sometimes made me uncomfortable. (I think I expected him to read my mind or never feel ackward or something). He told me he believed that when you have ackward experiences you have with someone, you gradually exhaust your ackwardness until there is no more ackwardness left to be had!!! He really helped me learn to embrace the ackward moments and celebrate them, as part of the journey towards greater comfort. Maybe you could use this as your perspective too! Maybe you could even have a special saying together where you announce "I FEEL ACKWARD" and then laugh or hug each other. Or "ACWARD MOMENT".
-One thing I've learned, is that healing does not always feel good. But that is part of the process that we can embrace too
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he honestly doesn't know if he has enough left.
-it sounds like you guys have both been working really really hard. It could be very powerful to make a point of taking time to just do silly and fun things together. It is SO great that you are going to MC and working on intimacy issues and everything. But that can be so draining, and it sounds like your relationship could use some fresh air. Could you brainstorm a list of date ideas together, and each pick one and make a plan to do it? This can give you the energy and affection you need to keep doing the hard work of transformation.
SCM, I believe in you. I think what you are going through right now, even though it is so scary, is going to open you up so much. You will let go of so many things that aren't you, that you don't need to hold onto anymore. You are going to heal yourself, your own heart, and your relationship. By bringing this awareness into yourself, you will also set a great example for your daughter! You can transform yourself... with awareness and acceptance and loving communication. You are already on your way!!!!
I am rooting for you!! (((SAMCATMOM)))) transformer
