She thanked me again for what I did yesterday. I blew it off and told her I did that because "I said I would and I'm a man of my word."(I mentioned doing that job a couple of weeks ago)
I still plan on backing WAY off. I think the Bahamas will be far enough.
Last enemy contact 1900 hrs, 25.03.2008 (she was worried one of kids ate something poisonous)
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
You said, "When she thinks I am "mad at her" she draws closer. She is either afraid of losing me (she had a lot of abandonment in her childhood) or she is still not sure what she wants and is maintaining contact or a lifeline to me until she does know."
I think this is practically identical to my sitch, except that I think I would replace "mad" with "sad". You really seem to be doing great with finding some balance in all this. CK is right, 18 months is a long time...how have you been able to hang in there / what has kept you going strong?
That is a question I have been asked by many, even early on as friends/aquaintences saw what she was doing and how she was treating me and wondered how I could want her back.
Truth is I love her. She is my soulmate. We have experienced so much (good and bad) together. I don't have the time to go over all the details. I decided early on it was not going to end like this. I believe this to be the challenge for which my entire life has prepared me. I committed myself.
"And when this is over the state will commit me" Groucho Marx
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Love is sure a strong bond. It really takes a great deal of heart and courage to hold this kind of space like you have been doing. Wow! I wish you continued strength and centered-ness along the road.
W called this AM. Needed help. She is "tired and stressed out." Was a little fussy because she asked me to take kids last night and I didn't (It's her week). Commented one time, "this is why we're getting a divorce" (because she feels she has carried the entire load). At the same time she commented it doesn't matter that I'm not helping her since we are getting a divorce.
MY CATCH 22:
Help her (protecting her from the consequences of separation/divorce) effectively enabling her.
Don't help her and therefore validate the reasons why she is divorcing me.
What did I do? I went to her place, got kids, listened to her vent. Agreed to do a couple of things for her today. I Said very little in response to her venting (validated).
Should I do more or do less? (This is a serious question I would like some help with)
Should I stay or should I go? If I go there will be trouble, If I stay it will be double. The Kinks?
Last edited by sleeper; 03/28/0801:55 PM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
sleeper, I think it is a fine line we walk and I'm not sure I'm on even on the line at all so you may not want to listen to me!
I think you should act like a friend and so help her, but don't overly help her. If you have "plans" (and make sure you have plans!) and can't take the kids when she is supposed to have them, then just let her know in the nicest way possible that you have plans... "sorry, unfortunatley I have plans tonight that I can't change, but I could take them tomorrow night if that helps you any"
It sounds like you are "doing" the right amount. I would say helping in terms of the kids can only be a good thing. I think the WAS is always looking for reasons that support their view that their M to you will just not work, so sometimes you are d**med if you do and d**med if you don't. Overall, taking the high road will be the best bet.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I struggle with this also. H doesn't even follow standard visitation yet, (which in Texas is one day a week, usually Wed. or Thurs., from the time school gets out until 7 or 8pm, and every other weekend from 6pm Friday til 6pm Sunday) even though he agreed to it in our Temporary Orders Hearing.
I do feel taken advantage of, and often feel that I am enabling him to continue. But then I think about the kids and what's really best for them at that moment. And I think that's what you have to do, too.
When your W is acting that stressed, how is it affecting the kids? Is it affecting her parenting skills? Would she "take things out" on them? What would be better for them?
Your W may be using them to manipulate you, so you do have to be careful of that, and she is going to have to learn to cope better, though, so I think Nature Girl's suggestion of not immediately offering to change your plans, but offering an alternate time or day is great.
It's a lot like navigating through a minefield, isn't it?
If anyone here has a minute to check out my thread, I would appreciate it!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
