Should have told you I went 3 years without wearing makeup. Since my sitch I put on at least some make up almost everyday (even when I don't want to). Venezuelan woman cake the stuff on sometimes and it can look pretty fake so I look like I'm not wearing any compared to some.
Keep it upbeat and if you don't feel like it then don't answer the phone. It's amazing how much can be heard over the phone so it's better to call them back than for them to hear sadness in your voice.
Jen
PS congrats on the jeans!!
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
OMG! I had a MAJOR moment of weakness!! I had the strongest urge this afternoon to call H to talk about R. What was I thinking?!?! Someone must be watching over me that knows better. When I called it went to VM. By the time he called back I had come to my senses, so I didn't answer the phone. I have been saying that I am going dark, but I really haven't at all. When he calls, I answer. I find myself making excuses to call him! I have GOT to stop that!! I think I am going to TRULY go dark now. I don't think I am strong enough yet to have regular contact with him. Please keep cheering me on guys! I need all the help I can get!
I answer when H calls but don't make it a point of contacting him. After while I assume NC becomes a habit. I hope so!!
I'm trying the elastic band trick. Put one around your wrist and when you feel like calling H give the band a snap. I find now all I have to do is look at the band and I don't call. Pavlov's dog anyone?
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I didn't leave a VM. I just hung up. That was probably the smartest thing I've done all week!! He is supposed to go to the house tonight to pick up some clothes and a dryer. He said he didn't want the kids to see that, so I'm at my parents' house. He is supposed to call when he is done to let me know it is OK to go home. I told my dad that when he calls I don't want to talk to him. Just tell him I'm in the bathroom and take a message. Dad said that sounded like a good idea.
I am just not going to answer the phone at all. If he manages to get a hold of me, I guess I'll just tell him that the kids wanted to talk to him. I won't go down this road. I just know that being emotional and available is not good right now. Today I was like a doormat. I made deposits into his account for him when he got paid. I paid a few bills for him when he asked me to. it was ridiculous! I have GOT to stop helping him out! It is really difficult because his LL is Acts of Service. I know those are the things that matter to him, but for now I just need to distance myself completely from him. I have been dim but not dark. I have got to go dark.
I am an idiot. I can't keep my stupid mouth shut!!! I swore to myself this afternoon that I was NOT going to contact H at all. Talking to him is just too painful right now. I knew he was coming to the house tonight so I made myself and the kids scarce. We went to my mom's house and chilled for the afternoon. He texted me to let me know he was leaving the house. I was SO angry with him on the ride home. Angry at him for doing this to me and the kids. Angry at him for making me believe him when he said he would always love me. Angry at him for being so OK with this! Then when I pulled into the driveway and parked it hit me like a ton of bricks. Half of his stuff is gone. He is REALLY moving out! I got the kids upstairs and instantly started to cry. I went outside, and he called me. I told him I was having a bad day, and he said he knew. I cried like a fool on the phone. I told him that it was really hard because when I am hurting I always call him to talk me through it. I can't call him now. He is the one hurting me! He said he knew that it was hard. I asked him if he was any closer to filing or had he gotten a lawyer yet. He said no. I asked if he was thinking about it or if he was still planning to give it more time. He said he hadn't been thinking about it, and he just doesn't know what is going to happen. Then he said he was in the car with his brother, and did I want him to call me back when he could talk. I told him that if he wanted to call me back he could, but I would just leave it up to him. I don't know if he will call back. I hate myself right now for talking to him about this. I am not supposed to be talking about our relationship with him. I am supposed to be trying to move on and let go. How do I do that?? I still love him more than anything! I am having the hardest time right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Any hugs or advice is greatly appreciated. I have the weekend to myself because H is bringing the kids to the lake with his family. I should use that time to cry this out.
So he called back and asked if I wanted to finish talking and I said "No...I'm just having a bad day." He said "I knew moving my stuff would be hard on you. I'm sorry." Then I let him go.
After my STUPID mistake last night I have kept to myself. I have not contacted him at all today. He tried to call this morning, but I didn't answer so he left a message. It was a question about picking up the kids today, so I just texted him a response. I am seriously losing faith that he will ever come back. He just seems so content with what he is doing. He is still staying with his grandparents though. He should be moving into his new apartment next week. Perhaps time alone in an apartment will give him a new perspective. I don't know, but I have to start thinking about planning for my future.
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