Baby steps in the right direction (thread 3)

[klm]

I did put myself in that position by cosigning on the apartment. At the time I wanted him here...and that was really the only way he could get here. My fault...however I don't him paying his rent will be an issue.

We bought the car a couple of years ago. He has tried to refinance it into his name only but he can't due to credit problems. It is really to expensive for him to have now...but that is his decision. If he can't pay it, he will have to sell it. I did tell him I would be willing to trade with him, but we'll see.

Yep, it is good that I am the opposite with money...otherwise we would probably both be on the streets right now. I guess people always have bailed him out. I am hoping he has grown up...I guess time will tell when he starts getting paid.

I am feeling a little too detached at the moment...I am not sure why that is since last week I was a mess when OW was calling.

[MichelleLT]

Perhaps it is your brains defense to the drama and stress of last week?

[klm]

I guess that could be part of it.

It will continue as long as you accept it.

That was posted on NikB's thread just a little while ago...and it seemed to really hit home with me. As long as I am accepting H's ambivalence and the arrangement we have right now....it will continue.

It could be that we are at a point in our R that I need to tell him what I need in order to work on this. The way things are now are making ME indifferent and I don't want to be that way.

[MichelleLT]

You said it in your own words earlier - he's cake eating. Getting the benefits of being M but not having a lot of the responsibilities.

Once his finances settle, it may be time to shake things up. Do you have any ideas about how you would want to do that?

You've thrown a few things out there about the finances and how you want him to make more effort on the R. What would be specific goals from that? What strategy do you think would be the most successful in achieving the small goals? What would be baby steps that would indicate success?

[klm]

Well, I guess first off I need to decide what I need from him and this marriage. I need to decide what he would have to do to prove to me that he is working on it and putting forth effort.

He keeps saying once he gets his finances under control then maybe he can think about other things....so I will let him do that. He has asked that of me so I can let him do that...I am not an unreasonable person .

After that if things are like they are now then I will have a talk with him letting him know what I need and asking him what he needs. ...I will have a few weeks to think about it.

I am open to suggestions.

[MichelleLT]

I think you should get him accounting paper and have him draw up a budget! I'm so evil.

You've already mentioned that he needs to call you and ask to do things with you. There are probably other things that go into that category of more effort in the R.

What is your LL? What do you most feel you are missing out on now?

Have you thought more about the moving in together thing? If you were to do so, when would it happen? When his lease is up or possibly before?

[klm]

Yeah, I am sure that would go over well! lol!

The funny thing is that I don't think we ever had one fight about money while we had joint accounts. When we got married we immediately joined everything. He knows he is bad with it so he just turned it over to me. I actually enjoy it so I had no problems with that arrangement. He hates it so liked not having to deal with it. He didn't spend outrageously and he would ask before spending a lot. He always said he never wanted to fight about money and we never did.

I would like for him to call me and ask me to do things with him. We would have to move back in together. At this point I am ready for that, and I feel we would need to do that to ever get anywhere. I would like for him to consider counseling, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me if he wouldn't go. I would need him to be more open about his phone calls/email. I will really think about this more over the next couple of days.

I haven't read the LL book, but from what I have read about it...I would say mine are physical touch and acts of service. Right now I am really missing that physical touch. I would say H's are words of affirmation and physical touch.

[klm]

Well, looks like I am not as detached as I thought. Tonight for whatever reason I looked at OW's myspace page. I haven't looked at that in months...but like a big dummy I looked at it tonight. Her page is private but I can always just see that main picture. Well....what was the picture? Ready for this? ...A picture of her and H kissing!!!!! Made me want to puke. He told me very matter of factly a couple of weeks ago that NOTHING had ever gone on with them...she was one of the guys. I bet he doesn't kiss any of the guys like that.

Well, I couldn't help it. I called him and I went over there. He said "well, we did kiss...but that was it". Whatever. Does he think I am an idiot? I told him at this point it isn't what they did....it is being flat out lied to about it that makes me so mad.

What makes me the maddest is that everyone can see that pic. She is on his page and everyone on his page (sister, cousins, friends) can see that picture. It really makes me sick to my stomach. He said he was going to call her and ask her to take it off, but who knows. Well, I guess it is out in the open now since none of his friends knew about her. I had told his sis but he pretty much told her I was crazy for even thinking that. Looks like she probably just put it up today since H hadn't seen it and she just updated her page.

He told me tonight that he wasn't ready to work on things anymore. He said he CAN'T do it right now. He isn't emotionally ready. He feels nothing. He said it isn't about me, he feels that way towards everyone, even his family. He said his mom probably feels the same way I do.

He told me he feels like if he calls me and asks me to do things then he is giving me false hope. Actually he said he feels I will be thinking "oh goody!, he wants us to get back together". When he said that I told him not to flatter himself because he isn't exactly a great catch right now. I don't think I would be thinking "oh, goody!" What a jerk.

We didn't really fight, I cried a little. When I left I told him I wasn't going to call him anymore. I told him he could call me, but I was done being the one to put in all the effort. I'm am going to stick to that. I will not call him. I guess I should move out of the piecing forum as it doesn't seem I am piecing anymore.

[MichelleLT]

((((((((((klm))))))))))

I'm sooooooo sorry to hear about that honey. I can't think of anything else to say right now except that maybe OW is trying to cause drama. But that doesn't help him saying he can't work on anything right now.

Hang in there. You will be okay.

[GoingForward]

(((((((klm,)))))))

I am so very sorry, too. I feel your pain, especially in this:

I told him at this point it isn't what they did....it is being flat out lied to about it that makes me so mad.

Totally understand. I experienced this with my H only about a month ago and said the same thing to him. It's not what happened; it's that they lied to us. That's what kills more than anything else.

I think NC is the way to go right now, but do plan for it in the near future to discuss financial issues. Work out what's going to be best for the both of you, but mainly and most importantly to rid yourself from his responsibilities. It shouldn't be your burden any longer than it has to be.

(((((((Be strong.)))))))