Hello all - I have posted before (look for my posts under the name SamCatMom), but the situation has changed and I could use some collective wisdom here. Long story short, our marriage was obviously in trouble about a year and a half ago. My husband raised some issues, we went for help, he asked for a D in March 07. Came back May 07 and said he feared he was making a huge mistake.
We had what I thought was a good spring and summer, got back into a bit of a rut in late fall, and now we're almost back to where we were before. Although, we are talking more and being more aware of what we've been doing to each other.
The real issue for him (and I agree) is that we have what amounts to a huge disconnect between us. He feels as though we just aren't clicking, we're not communicating about real things, and he has a hard time feeling affectionate toward me without that connection. It's not sex that is the issue, it's true intimacy.
I don't dispute what he's saying. He says I tend to display more of my brain than my heart, and what he really needs is all that emotion and "real stuff" inside of me. However, I have not always been the best at doing that, not even always aware of how I am in fact feeling, and this comes from a long history of growing up with an alcoholic father and a sometimes cold and dysfunctional-in-her-own-way mother. I don't mean them any disrespect, and I do love them, but they were not great parents.
Bottom line was in my house, you kept your head down and painted a pretty face on top of whatever you were feeling because you learned early that your own feelings were secondary to what was happening in the house. Going to school was a tremendous escape and relief, and I was able to channel alot of that energy into my studies and extracurricular activities.
I didn't realize just how much I was disconnected from myself until my husband and I started counseling. He would say things like "if you can't tell [that] to me, your husband, who are you going to tell?" and it wouldn't matter what we were talking about ... I just tend to keep things inside of me, I have always handled things on my own, and I have probably harbored a fear that if he really did know the REAL me, he would find he didn't like it all that much. And that's not fair to him, I totally realize that.
So where we are at now is that we are trying to determine our next steps. Neither of us are happy, but I give him credit for not running out on me. He says he wants us to hopefully find our way back to each other, but he honestly doesn't know if he has enough left. We are discussing separating, to see whether that gives us each some perspective and space. Our main concern is our daughter, who's 7.
I am still working with our counselor to get stronger at just SAYING WHAT IS ON MY MIND no matter how awkward it is or how scary it may be. And I am getting better, bit by bit. And I'm liking it, I really am. It's kind of liberating and not so tiring to always be analyzing what I SHOULD say or what I SHOULD do in a certain situation.
My question for all of you on this board is: what can I do to ensure I'm doing everything I can to give our marriage a chance, while still ensuring that I'm taking care of myself? Or does a separation sound like a viable option at this point? I love him and I want so much for us to have that life we always wanted but got tripped up along the way! I see now how much my actions (and inactions) have contributed to where we are, although I know he has had a hand in this too (with his conflict avoidance and "seemingly" laid-back attitude (til about a year and a half ago).
Can we get past the past, so to speak? We're both just very sad that we've basically wasted a few really good years on our dysfunction, and we don't know if we're able to get on a good path. He is of the mind (as you may recall from earlier posts) that if we are going to be connected, it will just organically happen out of the work we are both doing. I believe, however, that we have to set some time together to try things and just spend time together, even if it feels awkward at first. But I can't push him. That doesn't work at all (as I learned before).
I don't want my tendency to not speak honestly about what I want and need to ambush us all over again.
Thank you for listening. I so very much believe that our marriage can be saved and even stronger than before, but I am also scared that it's too late.
