Okay. The first thing that pops in my head is this: you sound seriously depressed. I understand all the feelings you are writing about, and get the overall impression of Whapu struggling to reach a hand up out of the center of a whirlpool. So, if you are depressed, are you getting some help?
I have been feeling really muddy and unfocused lately...turns out I have a sleep disorder. I've begun some treatment for it, and it's making a big difference. I guess where I'm going with this: is there anything you can do for yourself PHYSICALLY to pull out of this? Sleep more? Exercise? Get some ADs? Carve out 20 minutes of guitar time? Hide in a closet while little one is napping? Get a sitter once a week so you can do something for your sanity? Find an anchor--something to hold on to...read something spiritual, go to church, talk to a clergyman...
For now, forget the "M". You've got to do something before you implode. You know that. Find SOMETHING you can look forward to and feel peace about.
