NikB #25

[NikB]

Hey all - thanks so much for keeping up with me!

Extremely busy again this weekend and week... sheesh, I need a break.

I will post more very soon. Things are mostly good but I was way too optimistic about the contact with OW thing. I really thought it had dropped back to "appropriate co-worker interactions" and have discovered I was wrong. I don't know if it's an A exactly but at minimum it's definitely an inappropriate, unhealthy for our M friendship (one that I thought had ended but it hasn't). I'm trying to just be still right now and think through what next.

Look forward to posting more and catching up with everyone more soon.

[MichelleLT]

I'm so sorry to hear that. (((Nik)))

[oldtimer]

"Wow H, I have to be honest. I thought that communication was over. It really doesn't work for me to have 3 people in this R, I am not willing to do it anymore. Stop by and see me in my room sometime, you know where it is."

[oldtimer]

It will continue as long as you accept it.

[NikB]

Only a second to post... thanks for the support! I owe longer replies and more info soon. Probably in this forum for now. I really don't see how I can move to "Piecing" with OW in the R at all, even as a "friend." I know I need to start a new thread shortly as this one will lock.

OT - I know (about both the continuing and need to address it). Very well said, thank you. I found this out last Saturday. For good or bad... I haven't addressed it yet because H doesn't know that I have this info. I realize long term it may be harmful to an open/honest R ultimately, but given that is looking like a slim possibility at the moment, I am kind of in self-preservation mode and trying to use the knowledge/info to my advantage. (i.e. act "as if" all's well and make sure taxes, housepayment, bills are paid, I've got a plan, before I bring it up).

I honestly believe he would run (literally) if pushed right now. Emotionally I am scared and sad but MUCH more prepared for it than in the past. Although oddly, I feel weaker than I did last Oct. after bomb #whatever when I went on my road trip and actually looked at condos. But emotionally weaker doesn't quite explain it - I have a strong sense that I'll be scared but OK. Financially... we had a large tax bill unfortunately, and the mortgage coming up in a few days. I want it all paid before I make a move. It's not a LOT but it gives me a few weeks to a month of breathing room.

[JAK58]

NIk,

Last Oct. you were expecting it. You had been aware that things were not going well. Now with all of the babysteps you are shellshocked so to speak thud feeling weaker for the moment.

I understand about you getting affairs in order but, don't tiptoe around this. or like OT said it will continue.

I like OT's take on how it should go down,

I feel if he was going to run he would have last time. You can not control that but, do you want to continue like this?

JAK

[kml]

Nik -
Good for you for thinking strategically about the finances. If you can just "happen" to end up with a little extra cash in your wallet left over from grocery shopping or whatever, all the better.

The contact with OW may not be exactly what you think - often these idiots have a hard time cutting that cord even after they've "come home" - but I agree with OT that you have to set some clear boundaries on this now, it's been going on way too long. As soon as you get your financials in oder.

Ellie

[MichelleLT]

((((((((((Nik))))))))))

[NikB]

Thanks all - quick update again. Should have more time this weekend I hope!

First thought it would be helpful to explain what I actually found and how. When he first got his new phone (earlier in the week) H was asking me to help him get a pic of his car as his "wallpaper." I had tried a few things but couldn't get it working. So Saturday H wasn't feeling well and slept in late. I didn't feel great either but got up earlier than he did, was looking for something to do that didn't require much energy, so I grabbed his phone to try and figure out the wallpaper.

Much to my shock I went in to get the car picture, and found one of him and OW skiing. The pic was taken by H (one of those "hold the camera out" deals) and it's just them. For those who've been following me a long time you may remember that's how all this started - he and a bunch of coworkers (including OW) would go skiing together. Gradually the "group" kind of fizzled out, but he and OW continued to go by themselves. That would be the point I SHOULD have set a boundary and didn't, and that's when things began developing into the EA.

Anyway... the picture led me to do a little bit of snooping because he hasn't even BEEN skiing since he got the new phone. Turns out she texted/sent the picture to him (no words in the message and no other texts from her though). He has been telling me who he's going with every time he goes, and it's always been a group of guys or couples that I know and am cool with. Supposedly. I know it's true for some of the trips because they all came back to the house after wards, but obviously not true for all the trips.

So with that..

Jak
Wow I think that's it EXACTLY on why I'm feeling shellshocked. Dunno why I didn't realize that. Thanks for helping clarify for me, I was really confused why I felt so weak this time.

The reason I feel he may run is that he's got it great right now - I mean, he finally has it all figured out. I can't read his mind, but trying to put myself in his shoes it probably feels like a big relief. Whew, finally have the tension lower at home, no financial worries as no sep/D is imminent, and YAY I still get to have my "friend." Realizing that no, his grand plan is not going to work, may send him running. He's talked about it before when the pressure is on.

The "tip toe-ing" will only be for a couple of weeks. I REALLY don't want to get stuck covering the mortgage and a $3k+ tax bill in case he freaks and disappears. Absolutely no, don't want to continue like this - but I can live with it for a couple of weeks given the financial situation. During that time I will work hard on detaching and GAL a whole lot more.

I had no idea how to even bring it up before so really appreciate OT's suggestion and will use that for sure. I think it's perfect.

Ellie
You may well be right on the contact. All I KNOW is that they went skiing together at least once (and that in itself isn't even "new" - I knew that before - I just didn't know it had happened anytime this winter). It's NOT OK with me, but it's also a little different than finding, say, a bunch of "ILY" texts back and forth or something. It is inappropriate contact but I don't know a lot beyond that. For all I know the pic is from last year and she's trying to entice him to go again - I doubt that, but I really have no idea.

The last 3 times he was planning ski trips he's acted very weird about it - like it was some monumental decision if he should go or not. All 3 times he backed out at the last minute, so he may well be trying to cut the cord. I just don't know.

I do know that it's absolutely time to address it and set some boundaries, I just don't want to be stupid financially speaking. If he sticks around it will be fine and separating "in house" makes sense (at least short term). But since I can't control what he does and have a reasonable suspicion that he may freak out and take off, I want at least a couple of weeks cushion on the mortgage (not to mention the tax bill out of the way).

(((Michelle))) Thanks!!

[MichelleLT]

It sounds like you have a good handle on things. GL2U (((Nik)))