End of Piecing?

[hopeforfuture]

I've been feeling guilty about lurking here more than I've been posting. If you've read my other threads, you probably know that my W also posts on these boards as Mom of 2 Cherubs. I've really been meaning to just start journaling in hopes of giving some inspiration to others and hoping that Mo2C would chime in from time to time and give her opinion. Problem is that I haven't had much to journal about recently that I thought was positive. I guess if I take a step back and look at the big picture, things really are great, but something is still out of place. Something is missing. W has not been as engaged as I would like to see. Stick with me here for a bit... this might be long.

W went out for dinner and drinks with some GFs last night. One of the girls had been married to a very good friend of mine and had left him for another man. We still maintain contact with both her and her ex (my friend). She remarried and is extremely happy now with two children, a loving husband and a great house. It worked in her case. She definitely made a good choice. I sometimes think that she hit the lottery. When my W came home we talked a little about her night. I asked how GF was. "She's absolutely wonderful". Ugh!! I mean, I'm really happy that she's happy, but on some level, I've always thought that W has seen her situation as a divorce success story. Then W tells me that GF told her some things about XH (my friend). He was mean and abusive. "Yay!" Not that I'm happy to hear that, but at least she had a valid reason for leaving. At least we're not comparing apples to apples here. Big difference in our situations, so now I'm feeling better that W won't be using this to rationalize reasons to leave me. I'm feeling better that GF was justified in her actions and W can see that we really do have a good thing going.

At the end of last year, I had thrown in the towel. I was done and ready to move on and then things changed. W came back and things were better than I ever remember them being. There was communication, honesty, dialogs, passion, intimacy and desire. I thought to myself "This is what I've wanted!! This was worth the wait and the fight! This is how I want things to be in the future!" But of course things have cooled off. Only normal right? I've noticed that the passionate kisses have slowly slipped away over the past few weeks, and I've found myself looking for reasons why. Many times, I've gone to kiss her, but she gives a quick peck and then goes straight into a hug. I think back to when things were bad last year and I recall distinctly an argument that we had when she asked me if I had not noticed that she didn't kiss me anymore. She told me then that she didn't feel the passion anymore and didn't want to kiss me that way. ILYBINILWY was what came out after that. Is the same thing happening? Are we slipping back to the way we were?

So now that the passion has begun to fade, I've been finding it harder and harder to keep the triggers at bay. I curse myself for having found the information that I did, because it is constantly in the back of my mind and has been resurfacing more and more. Some of the recent things that have triggered memories...

- Last Friday, W brings kids to work for the day. Same situation last year. The kids met OG that day. I'm no longer worried about OG, but it did bring back memories.
- Phone call the other evening at 11:30 from a restricted #. Answered, but they didn't say anything.
- W went out to dinner last night with GFs to a restaurant where I know she had met OG. Ugh

This morning when I said goodbye to W, we were a little flirty and when we kissed, we really kissed. It felt good to have her return the kiss. It is amazing how a little affection can so easily restore my confidence. Now I'm feeling a bit better, so I don't know why it is that I do what I do before I leave.

I'm getting into my car and I have an uncontrollable urge to look in her car. I haven't snooped since the beginning of the year. Haven't had the need or the urge to, but now I do. Actually the other day, she had picked up my phone and started looking through the calls and texts. I don't know what she thought that she would find there, but it made me realize that she felt a little suspicious of me. I don't know what I expected to find in her car. Was the tissue box still on her front seat? I know it had been for a while and I accepted the fact that she would cry sometimes in her car, but I hadn't seen it for a long time. What could I possibly find there to set my mind at ease? On the passenger seat is her diary. The same one that clued me in to the first affair. Obviously this is her personal place and I shouldn't look, but it is like a car crash or a crime scene. I need to look. I can't help myself but to look. I don't want to see anything bad. I want to see something good. I want to see that she is writing about how wonderful everything is. That she made the right choice to work on us.

I open it to the bookmark and start to read. The last entry is from March 26. Yesterday. She writes about how wonderful I've been and how much I've been trying. How honest and open I've been with my feelings and emotions. And then...

"I need to tell him the truth"

What truth? What does she need to tell me? Now I'm fixated. I need to find out what this truth is. I flip back to the previous day. She has written that she loves me but does not have those feelings of passion for me. She likes sex, but does not necessarily want it with me. She is not happy. She wants me to be happy. These are the same things that she told me eight months ago.

Has anything changed? Will anything change? Can anything change? When do you decide that enough is enough? Is it time to just let go? I was ready to let go and she pulled me back in. Not only did she pull me back in, but she gave me a glimpse of how good things could really be. It felt like we were head over heels on love.

I read just two pages. Oddly, I felt a sense of relief. Not angry or bitter. Relieved. Like the clouds having parted following days of rain and gloom. Letting the sun shine down to warm and dry the earth. It was like having gone to the eye doctor to get a new prescription for glasses and the first time you put the new glasses on. The old scratches and fogginess gives way to clarity of vision. Like a toddler feels when they see their parent again after losing them for a few minutes while playing in the clothing racks at a department store.

Before I left in the morning, the song "Forever" by Papa Roach came on the radio. This was my favorite song when we were in the thick of things last year...

One last kiss(One last kiss)
Before I go(Before I go)
Dry your tears(Dry your tears)
It is time to let you go...

One last kiss...
Before I go...
Dry your tears...
It is time to let you go...

One Last Kiss.


My drive into work in the morning is about 40 minutes. It gives me too much time to reflect and ponder. On the drive, I heard the song "March of War" by Nonpoint. Here are a bit of the lyrics...

What do you want from me?
You couldn't give me what I need
I said this a thousand times before
Now watch me walk out the door

I'll never be the person you want me to be
What do you want from me?
What do you need from me?
I'll never see the reason that you always seem to see
What do you need from me?
I'll never be the person you want me to be
What do you want from me?
What do you need from me?
I'll never be the person you want me to be

Is this an expected part of piecing? Are these normal feelings? Do we keep trying?

[Concerned_Listener]

Hope,
I know how you feel. My W and I have days where I'm convinced we're on the path to D. On other days, she wants to connect.

It's tough when the intimacy or connection waxes and wanes. You don't have any solid ground to stand on. I can understand your frustration and fear.

I think one of the lessons to be learned from a Piecing experience where we are trying to heal a M that has been thru a crisis, is that we have to cultivate our own happiness. Our happiness cannot depend on the outcome of our M, or the ambivalence of a spouse.

There is suffering involved in healing a M. This is an emotional time. Our lesson is to not add to suffering with our own layers of unhappiness.

I think the emotions you're feeling are expected and normal. As far as the lapse in intimacy, after you keep up the daily work of happiness, then you keep up faith that a M can be healed, and hope that intimacy can be restored.

CL

[Sara]

OK, HFF. When was the last time you did a dialogue with your wife? There are so many dialogue questions in your letter, and you don't know what her answers would be. You need to sit down and ask them, not listen to love songs of longing and loss on the radio! Communication is the key, but you must use it.

[hopeforfuture]

Guilty as charged on the lack of dialoging.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

But dialoging is not always the answer or a fix all. I get what it is supposed to do - and we've had productive dialogues - but sometimes there are things that can't be fixed/changed by dialoging.

[hopeforfuture]

But dialoging is not always the answer or a fix all. I get what it is supposed to do - and we've had productive dialogues - but sometimes there are things that can't be fixed/changed by dialoging.

Agree. And I believe we discussed this earlier today via email.

So the question goes out to anyone following our situation. What have you tried / done that was productive or helpful? I'm open to suggestions and have been known to take a dare and am pretty adventurous (as is my W, although I think she draws the line at jumping out of a plane)

[limbo]

Mom of 2/Hope

You are right dialogue doesn't fix everything, but you know what it helps a great deal! Because you are talking, you get out what needs to be gotten out and a very productive way.
Because you have to talk to each other, that is the key, to resolve anything!
If we each are left guessing or wondering it makes things worse.
You know what, I have been married for almost 18 yrs, and the bells and whistle of our relationship went along time ago, but it was replaced by something else, a mature relationship.
Having an affair does give that excitment and different feelings, but you know what that will only last for so long and it to will settle into something more calm.
Also age does become a factor in who us women feel...my 30's I hardly had any intrest in sex, but its true what they say women hit there prime and I want it alot more then ever before.
WHat I am trying to get at, is that you have to look at some other things about how you are feeling before writing of the marriage or how you "feel" about your husband.
And this is why talking is important.

[Sara]

I think I don't know what your problem is. For us dialoguing works even when it doesn't work. That is, we may not agree, but I understand where my husband is coming from. And I can adapt and learn to respect that. We are different people, we don't think the same and we don't feel the same. But we can adapt and we can compromise. To me, that is what life is about. Not finding the best life that is sitting somewhere else waiting for me, but building the best life right here where I am with what I've got. So my husband IS my husband and will be my husband until he dies. And my kids ARE my kids, whether they are the best husband possible or the best kids possible for me doesn't matter. Because they ARE. And this is my life. And I accept it for what it is.

[Concerned_Listener]

Mom of 2,
What things are you referring to?

CL

[Sara]

I may sound angry in my post. I'm not angry, but I am determined. And sometimes I have to work hard to control myself and my mind. I met a man a few weeks ago who set my blood racing. And we had some time together in a social context. I found that as we walked our arms gently bumped against each other, and I liked the warmth of his arm, and when we sat our knees kind of gravitated to touch. And I loved looking into his eyes and I could have lived the rest of my life just to see his smile. He had such a beautiful smile.

But we both did nothing more than that. We enjoyed our short time together, and went our separate ways. And yes, it's a little hard to live for my husband's smile because he always need orthodonture and didn't get it as a child. But this is my life and I'm not chucking it everytime a man with a beautiful smile comes along. I don't know that man well, but I can bet life with him would not be perfect either. To do anything well, you need to focus on what you are doing. I am focused on my life in this marriage. And I will live it as well as it can be lived.