[girlfromipanema]

OK, I'm going to try to summarize this briefly. I have been struggling with the friendship between H and our mutual friend for the past two years. The catalyst was a stupid question with an even more stupid answer. Me: "Do you wish you would've married "friend" instead of me?" H: "I wish I would've married both of you." I guess certain signs were leaving me feeling insecure in my marriage and my question was only half joking. My husband says his response was in jest; however, he also always says there's truth behind every joke.

The signs that something was happening between the two have been adding up over the years. I've tried discussing my concerns with him without a real resolution. I wanted to hear "I absolutely have no feelings for her. You're my wife and I love you and I would never jeopardize our marriage." But nothing direct was ever said to me.

In early November, a series of events took place that led me to look at H's cell phone history and I discovered an insane amount of calls between the two of them. I wrote him a heartfelt letter and his response was perfect. He said he could understand why I felt the way I did and even understood why I looked at his call history. I thought I finally got through to him and we would take the steps necessary to move forward in our marriage. In late November we (H, me, friend and her boyfriend) went on vacation together. Several things happened that led to my huge blow up and -- I hate to use this word -- physical assault. I hit him pretty good. We exchanged words and things have been HORRIBLE between us since.

We've discussed D, but nothing imminent. H and I took a trip overseas in February and when we returned I looked at his cell phone bill and noticed text messages to our friend EVERY DAY we were gone (2 weeks). My anger and hurt are overwhelming. I again wrote him a heart felt letter, which was met with silence. I met with my friend to explain why I was having these feelings, but she didn't give me the response I was looking for - she just kind of looked at me and blinked. I wanted her to tell me she would never betray me...

Anyway, this week my H and I finally sat down and talked about us and he said he had a lot to think about and consider - mostly things about me that he doesn't like. He brought up my past depression and he's concerned that I might resent him should we decide to have children. At the end of our talk, he pulled me close and kissed me. I told him I didn't know if I could do this; that every time he initiated intimacy it gave me hope and I don't want false hope. His response was "we haven't decided anything definite yet." So there is a small chance we can save our marriage.

I'm applying DR techniques and things are much more tolerable at home. We're on speaking terms, but he's still sleeping downstairs. No ILY's, etc. I'm also GALing and really focusing on me.

I have much at stake. Not only the loss of my marriage, but the loss of my friendship with our mutual friend. Also, H, friend and I are all shareholders in our company. I've dedicated the past 8 1/2 years of my life to this company and I don't want to be forced to throw it away. My H is much more valuable to the company than I, so he wouldn't be going anywhere... Also, we bought a house in 2004--at the peak of the real estate market. Since then, our house has lost about $100,000 of its purchased value. I can't afford the mortgage by myself, so H would get the house and I wouldn't even get any money from a buy out due to the market crash in CA. I don't want to have to start over completely - new job, new friends, new crappy apartment.

So much for being brevity. It feels good to let this out.