I've been feeling guilty about lurking here more than I've been posting. If you've read my other threads, you probably know that my W also posts on these boards as Mom of 2 Cherubs. I've really been meaning to just start journaling in hopes of giving some inspiration to others and hoping that Mo2C would chime in from time to time and give her opinion. Problem is that I haven't had much to journal about recently that I thought was positive. I guess if I take a step back and look at the big picture, things really are great, but something is still out of place. Something is missing. W has not been as engaged as I would like to see. Stick with me here for a bit... this might be long.
W went out for dinner and drinks with some GFs last night. One of the girls had been married to a very good friend of mine and had left him for another man. We still maintain contact with both her and her ex (my friend). She remarried and is extremely happy now with two children, a loving husband and a great house. It worked in her case. She definitely made a good choice. I sometimes think that she hit the lottery. When my W came home we talked a little about her night. I asked how GF was. "She's absolutely wonderful". Ugh!! I mean, I'm really happy that she's happy, but on some level, I've always thought that W has seen her situation as a divorce success story. Then W tells me that GF told her some things about XH (my friend). He was mean and abusive. "Yay!" Not that I'm happy to hear that, but at least she had a valid reason for leaving. At least we're not comparing apples to apples here. Big difference in our situations, so now I'm feeling better that W won't be using this to rationalize reasons to leave me. I'm feeling better that GF was justified in her actions and W can see that we really do have a good thing going.
At the end of last year, I had thrown in the towel. I was done and ready to move on and then things changed. W came back and things were better than I ever remember them being. There was communication, honesty, dialogs, passion, intimacy and desire. I thought to myself "This is what I've wanted!! This was worth the wait and the fight! This is how I want things to be in the future!" But of course things have cooled off. Only normal right? I've noticed that the passionate kisses have slowly slipped away over the past few weeks, and I've found myself looking for reasons why. Many times, I've gone to kiss her, but she gives a quick peck and then goes straight into a hug. I think back to when things were bad last year and I recall distinctly an argument that we had when she asked me if I had not noticed that she didn't kiss me anymore. She told me then that she didn't feel the passion anymore and didn't want to kiss me that way. ILYBINILWY was what came out after that. Is the same thing happening? Are we slipping back to the way we were?
So now that the passion has begun to fade, I've been finding it harder and harder to keep the triggers at bay. I curse myself for having found the information that I did, because it is constantly in the back of my mind and has been resurfacing more and more. Some of the recent things that have triggered memories...
- Last Friday, W brings kids to work for the day. Same situation last year. The kids met OG that day. I'm no longer worried about OG, but it did bring back memories. - Phone call the other evening at 11:30 from a restricted #. Answered, but they didn't say anything. - W went out to dinner last night with GFs to a restaurant where I know she had met OG. Ugh
This morning when I said goodbye to W, we were a little flirty and when we kissed, we really kissed. It felt good to have her return the kiss. It is amazing how a little affection can so easily restore my confidence. Now I'm feeling a bit better, so I don't know why it is that I do what I do before I leave.
I'm getting into my car and I have an uncontrollable urge to look in her car. I haven't snooped since the beginning of the year. Haven't had the need or the urge to, but now I do. Actually the other day, she had picked up my phone and started looking through the calls and texts. I don't know what she thought that she would find there, but it made me realize that she felt a little suspicious of me. I don't know what I expected to find in her car. Was the tissue box still on her front seat? I know it had been for a while and I accepted the fact that she would cry sometimes in her car, but I hadn't seen it for a long time. What could I possibly find there to set my mind at ease? On the passenger seat is her diary. The same one that clued me in to the first affair. Obviously this is her personal place and I shouldn't look, but it is like a car crash or a crime scene. I need to look. I can't help myself but to look. I don't want to see anything bad. I want to see something good. I want to see that she is writing about how wonderful everything is. That she made the right choice to work on us.
I open it to the bookmark and start to read. The last entry is from March 26. Yesterday. She writes about how wonderful I've been and how much I've been trying. How honest and open I've been with my feelings and emotions. And then...
"I need to tell him the truth"
What truth? What does she need to tell me? Now I'm fixated. I need to find out what this truth is. I flip back to the previous day. She has written that she loves me but does not have those feelings of passion for me. She likes sex, but does not necessarily want it with me. She is not happy. She wants me to be happy. These are the same things that she told me eight months ago.
Has anything changed? Will anything change? Can anything change? When do you decide that enough is enough? Is it time to just let go? I was ready to let go and she pulled me back in. Not only did she pull me back in, but she gave me a glimpse of how good things could really be. It felt like we were head over heels on love.
I read just two pages. Oddly, I felt a sense of relief. Not angry or bitter. Relieved. Like the clouds having parted following days of rain and gloom. Letting the sun shine down to warm and dry the earth. It was like having gone to the eye doctor to get a new prescription for glasses and the first time you put the new glasses on. The old scratches and fogginess gives way to clarity of vision. Like a toddler feels when they see their parent again after losing them for a few minutes while playing in the clothing racks at a department store.
Before I left in the morning, the song "Forever" by Papa Roach came on the radio. This was my favorite song when we were in the thick of things last year...
One last kiss(One last kiss) Before I go(Before I go) Dry your tears(Dry your tears) It is time to let you go...
One last kiss... Before I go... Dry your tears... It is time to let you go...
One Last Kiss.
My drive into work in the morning is about 40 minutes. It gives me too much time to reflect and ponder. On the drive, I heard the song "March of War" by Nonpoint. Here are a bit of the lyrics...
What do you want from me? You couldn't give me what I need I said this a thousand times before Now watch me walk out the door
I'll never be the person you want me to be What do you want from me? What do you need from me? I'll never see the reason that you always seem to see What do you need from me? I'll never be the person you want me to be What do you want from me? What do you need from me? I'll never be the person you want me to be
Is this an expected part of piecing? Are these normal feelings? Do we keep trying?
I mean, I'm really happy that she's happy, but on some level, I've always thought that W has seen her situation as a divorce success story. Then W tells me that GF told her some things about XH (my friend). He was mean and abusive. "Yay!" 
Not that I'm happy to hear that, but at least she had a valid reason for leaving. At least we're not comparing apples to apples here. Big difference in our situations, so now I'm feeling better that W won't be using this to rationalize reasons to leave me. I'm feeling better that GF was justified in her actions and W can see that we really do have a good thing going.
