Still Monogomous, even more frustrated

[loonyqt]

So, back in Oct., I decided I needed to "stop dwelling" and go and just live a bit more offline, and haven't returned to these boards until now.

What has happened is I've gotten behind in my digital photo albums but otherwise, after reading my initial threads here, there's a lot of same ol, same ol, at least in regards to my marriage. How pathetic.

I'm here at 3am on the 15th year of our relationship. 15 years ago today my DH & I met and dated and had a great time in bed.

Now, our sex life together averages around 2x/month, a far cry from what I'd like. Unfortunately, I have been dwelling on the importance of marital sexual bliss (or in my case, the lack thereof) and it's only gotten worse. And, I've only gotten more depressed. I was in a serious clinical funk inspired in part from a visit from my mother a couple months ago which I've managed to crawl out of on my own.

So - the here and now...

I responded very, very differently tonite to a somewhat usual, "L's going to get some" scenario. It played out something like this... nice steak dinner, hanging out looking at the real estate market online (we still have yet to invest in property - we've always rented, at this moment a decent home in a nice school district but we are close to jumping into the market), kids in bed, me shutting off the tv at 9:30 after the end of some program (nat'l geo?, science channel? discovery?)saying, "alright, time for bed" (wink wink, nudge nudge, sy no mo), he turned back on the tv and told me to come back and do more tv/internet stuff, which I told him I was done with. I waited upstairs in bed for all of 15 minutes doing a killer sukoku puzzle before falling asleep (having told him I was tired and planning to close my eyes). He comes in later (time unknown, 11ish?) and bacially wakes me up "tapping" me on the back with his cast (motocross accident) and coming to my side of the bed telling me to move over so he could "give me what I need". I told him I wasn't a pity [censored] and I wasn't going to respond to that behavior. (normally, I'd make a comment on the not so romantic foreplay tactics but still take what I could get).

Then, around 1:30 I officially woke up, turned on the light and got back on the bed, asked for him to look me in the eyes. I told him that he was "free to leave me - that it wasn't fair for either of us to be locked into a marriage that he wasn't into" ...that although I love him and am excited by him and want to be connected with him on all levels, it's obvious to me that I just don't do it for him anymore. So, divorce me." The fact that I didn't even inspire a kiss on our anniversary was sad, and I told him as much. I did this in about a minute, very calmly, very kindly, and with utmost sincerity.

He just looked at me blankly thru squinted eyes (he may have been simply sleep-talking, but I don't think so) and said he didn't want to leave me and then closed his eyes. After a moment, I got up to turn off the light and came back to bed and laid there until he on his side resumed deeper sleep breathing again (didn't take long). At that point, I turned the light back on to plug the wireless router (in our bedroom, turned off at night for some health reason or other according to him), then I went downstairs and wondered what to do with myself.

So, here I am again! Reading my initial posts and replies on this board was theraputic (yay), and I am a lot more calm (understatement). I think I am actually at the place where I can give up my incessent "woe is me who doesn't get sex when I want it" as well as not think about getting it anywhere else (because, really, what's the point) and just focus on me and the kids, and well, I guess my husband in other ways.

I feel a strange calm that I don't think I've experienced before as it relates to my lack of love life. This may be good news for my marriage, or I may be getting a divorce. My only concern is that it kind of feels like apathy, but given my usual intensity, maybe it's the 180' necessary?

Thanks to anyone paying attention.
:-)

"Share all the seaons of life with Compassion, Tolerance, and Joy." -me, 12.07