Financials set to be sorted.

[princess_nic]

I feel that if I accept I have given in. However I'm also tired of fighting.

Oh, Alison, I really understand this. I felt the same way, and I still do sometimes. I feel like, by going along with the D and, in fact, accepting that it is the best thing for ME, I am validating H's decision to walk out. This has been so hard for me to deal with, and I still have not dealt with it completely.

What I try to do, is to remind myself that we can come to same conclusion for different reasons. In my case, I agree that D is the best thing for us, not b/c I am a lazy, self-centered coward(!), but b/c our M could not work with just me trying to make things better. In your case, you are going along with the D not because you think it's the right thing to do, but b/c as you say, you are tired of fighting, you want peace for yourself and for your H and children.

Alison, God judges us by the motives of our hearts, so there's no need for you to judge yourself more harshly. You've really done what you can for right now.

Love,
Nicola

[ACJ]

Yet another update that I wished hadn't happened!

Yesterday I was under the impression that S15 was meeting H during the day whilst I was at work. I was comfortable with that b/c I have recently decided that apart from things I have to tell him about the kids I am going completely dark.

When I got home from work S15 was still in the house and said he was meeting H in the evening instead. I was less happy but knew I could handle it.

D17 came home from work and said she was going to ring H and see if he wanted to go for a drink. I indicated that I was fine with that but told her that H already had plans to meet S15 and his GF. I suggested she ask if she could tag along. After speaking to S15 and finding out that OW was also going she decided she didn't want to do that so she sent him a TM asking him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime this week.

His response provoked a saga. He simply said he couldn't afford it. She replied by asking him how come he could afford coffee and cakes for S15, his GF and OW and yet not afford to go out with her. She told him she would pay. He batted this off at first by saying he hadn't actually had a reply and/or confirmation from S15 that he actually wanted to go out and D17 told him that S15 was ready and waiting for him to come and pick him up. After several more TMs he finally agreed to meet her on Thursday.

In between all of this she sobbed and I held her How do you comfort a child who is in this position in the first place and worse still when before H left D17 was his world?

When he finally arrived to pick up S15 and GF he had to knock on the door at least twice before anyone let him in. I was determined not to be the one to open the door and even more so not to even interact with him. It was D12 who finally opened the door to him. She said 'Dad I don't think it was very fair the way you treated D17 earlier. You should treat us all the same'. I didn't hear exactly what his reply was but I could tell that he wasn't happy with her pointing this out to him.

I'm really struggling right now with standing not just b/c of the way H is behaving towards me but also b/c of the way he treats our children but in particular our girls.

[cat03]

idiot.

There, I said it.

It does hurt more when our kids hurt because of the callousness and basic stupidity of these men. If your D12 realizes how unfair it was, jeez, it is maddening he's being such a jerk.

I've realized I haven't lost much when H left, neither have you. Hugs))))))))))))

[ACJ]

Well I guess H must have had a momentary pang of guilt b/c when I got home last night he had TMd them all asking if they want to go to the cinema today! Not sure where he found the cash from but not really that interested. He got himself into the financial situation he will have to dig himself out of it.

D17 can't go to the cinema with them b/c she is working full time this week. As far as I know he hasn't suggested going once she comes home so again she will miss out. I feel so sad for her.

I inadvertantly and momentarily had to speak to H last night. D12 had been trying to phone him about the cinema trip and he finally called back. I try not to answer the phone these days but the kids clearly weren't going to. He just asked for D12 and I obliged. For once his voice sounded soft and like it used to be. That threw me and I wish in a way it hadn't b/c it sets off all the emotions again. But I am ok.

Must get ready for work otherwise I will never get there.

[Tia]

ACJ,

In this situation, the word "idiot" is a compliment. I feel for your entire family. Does your D17 know about MLC? Would it benefit her to know that it's NOT about her? Mind you, if your H is in MLC, he's confused. The kids should not suffer for it. I'm very sorry.

Be strong - your inner strength is there. Tap into it!

{{{{ACJ}}}}
Hugs,
/Tia

[tpaschal]

I feel that if I accept I have given in. However I'm also tired of fighting.

Oh, Alison, I really understand this. I felt the same way, and I still do sometimes. I feel like, by going along with the D and, in fact, accepting that it is the best thing for ME, I am validating H's decision to walk out. This has been so hard for me to deal with, and I still have not dealt with it completely.

What I try to do, is to remind myself that we can come to same conclusion for different reasons. In my case, I agree that D is the best thing for us, not b/c I am a lazy, self-centered coward(!), but b/c our M could not work with just me trying to make things better.

Nic,

Wow. HOW did you get to this place? I feel exactly like ACJ. I am struggling against it so hard---accepting a D. I can't accept that a D is what's best for any of us---me, H, or the kids. But it appears I have no choice. So how did you get to that acceptance? I would really appreciate it if you could check out my thread here on the MLC board. I am spinning and could use some input.

Thanks.

[tpaschal]

In between all of this she sobbed and I held her How do you comfort a child who is in this position in the first place and worse still when before H left D17 was his world?

I'm really struggling right now with standing not just b/c of the way H is behaving towards me but also b/c of the way he treats our children but in particular our girls.

ACJ,

I am so sorry that you and your kids are going through this. I wish I had an answer for how to help your kids through this, because mine are going through similar struggles.

My D14 worked in H's office doing some filing one day during her Spring Break to earn a little extra cash. From what I can gather, her attitude was fine while she was at H's office, but on the way home she whined about how boring it was to do filing. He jumped all over her, said some horrible things, and told her she wasn't welcome to come back. (I think maybe she touched a nerve because his 22 yr. old OW used to be a file clerk/receptionist in his office?) H dropped D14 off at home, and as soon as she stepped out of his car and turned toward the house, her face just crumbled and she began sobbing. H, of course, never even noticed, since he was out the drive and down the street before she had even reached the door.


How can they do these things to their babies? No matter what kind of depression or MLC fog they are in, I will never understand this.

{{{hugs for ACJ and D17}}}

[ACJ]

Tia,
All my children know about MLC. D17 has done her own research and agrees with the 'diagnosis'!

TPA,
I'm sorry your kids are going through similar things to mine. I don't know how to make it better. What I do know is that pointing it out to your H will only make it worse or he will twist it to make it look like your fault. Now I just hug my kids and tell them that I understand thier pain and that i am here for them. I do encourage them to take their grievances up with their dad but I no longer do it for them.

[almosthopeful]

(((Alison))),
I'm so sorry your kids are going through this, especially D17.

FWIW, don't you think the attachment to S15 is because your H is operating at about that level right now---teenage boy? And if he was really attached to D17 before, she probably brings out the guilt, whether she means to or not. And we know how MLCers handle guilt...

My XH is doing a little of this, treating S15 as a sometimes buddy/confidant where he wouldn't have before. I can tell sometimes it makes S15 uncomfortable to know things that I don't, and I don't like it that he has to feel that way either.

JMO, of course. But I do think Tia has a point, your kids are old enough to understand MLC, and it may help them to feel better about themselves in all this mess.

What a nightmare. They have a lot to answer for.

Hugs,
AH

[ACJ]

AH,
I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of my H. I have tried to explain this to my girls but (whilst I think they understand) they are still VERY hurt that thier father comes on a regular basis to pick S15 up and yet they are lucky to get a once a month contact.

Given what you put about Tia's suggestion I think we might have been cross posting!

Well I think the kids had a good time with H. To be honest it was difficult to tell. D12 did tell me that H went out of his way to NOT see the film they really wanted to see. He talked them out of it only to find out afterwards that it was b/c he wants to take OW to see it (yes you did read that right!) S15 also told me that the film they finally opted to see was going to be on too late for the time schedule H had set! So they changed thier minds and went and sat in the theatre waiting for the film to start. They waited and waited...... only to find out that the ticket seller had printed the wrong tickets out and had given them tickets to their original choice. Apparently they sat there waiting for about an hour.

YES THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I must learn to control my emotions when it comes to divine retribution/karma (whatever you want to call it)

Almost forgot. It got better for H. D17 cancelled their drink together b/c her BF came home unexpectedly!