Just some quick history, about 2 yrs ago my wife was hell bent on a divorce. After 7 months and court hearings I had all but given up, I met another woman, someone I worked around. Nothing had happened between me and this person before my wife decided to give it another try. Things were great until I made the mistake of being angry about the hell my wife had put me through and I had an affair with this other woman for about three months before being exposed. Needless to say my wife was devistated, however she continued with the marriage. Of course she was sad after finding out, and so was I but that was as for as the emotions went. My wife never got mad about it, she almost took the responsibity for the affair occuring, and I was never honest about anything that I did or why I did it. Fast forward 4 months when I approached the other woman and the affair started up again. This time it was not as frequent and I tried several times to end it because I was afraid of my wife discovering what I was doing. As to be expected the affair was once again discoverd. Now my wife has gone through the sadness and has entered the anger stage that she had foregone after the first discovery. Unliike the first dicovery I have admitted everything, no matter how ugly the truth is, because I am tired of lying and hurting my wife, who I continue to love. She has asked me to leave our house so she can have some time. At this point she thinks she will not be able to forgive me, but she is not rushing into a divorce, because even she admits she doesn't know how she will feel later We have 2 kids (B-7, G-5) and they will be devistated by my not being in the house, but at this point I have to do everything I can to help my wife, I am the guilty person in this. Waht I am saking for is anyone who has gone through something like this for some advice on how to handle what is going on and what to expect in the future. I will continue to give more details about what led up to this point and what I have done and am doing to change my behaviors.
It has been a couple of days, still in a holding pattern of ups and downs. Nw I find out that my wife is having an affair with the ex fiance of the OW! Over the last week she has admitted to being at his apt. 4Xs.. Last night she didn't come home until 4 am, leaving our oldes son alone on the third floor of our house for several hours before I came home at 2 am (I work overnights), and worse yet is she knew I would be home at 2 and she didn't even try to hide it.
Today she acted like she was ready for bed when I left for work at 945, so on a hunch I swung past the house at 1100 to find out she had left again. When I tried to call her several times she refused to answer only sending a text message "Dont call me anymore"
When she did finally answer the phone I told her I was once again leaving work because of her insanity/leaving the kids alone, and that she might as well stay at her lovers since that is what she prefers. She hung up on me. Here it is almost 3 hrs. later and she is not home and has not called.
I will be the first to admit that my affair was the worst thing I could do to my wife and kids, and not to justify my actions, but I never neglected the kids to sneak off with the OW, as a matter of fact I often used the kids and their activities as a way to avoid spending time with the OW.
I am at a loss of what to do now. My wife is very hurt and angry, and because of that she is sleeping with someone to give me a taste of my own bitter medicine. While she is hurt and angry doing what she does, telling me it is none of my business I get more and more sickened by what she is doing to me, our family and especially herself.
I want this nightmare to end before there is so much damage that our life cannot be fixed.
Please help me, I will entertain any advice from the hurt partner of the unfaithful partner, because as it turns out now I am both.
I am asking for help and or advice, not sympathy. After all I started this and I am feeling plenty sorry for myself right now.
Are you saying your wife had her A in response to yours?
My first advice was going to be stop pursuing her with all the phone calls. But then I thought you were trying to reach her because she needed to be home? Is she really living a 7 and 5 yr old home ALONE?
Yes, hers is in response to mine with the OW's ex fiance. Now that she is having her A she says our marriage is "Wrecked", but still denies having the affair.
Technically she is not leaving the kids alone, her elderly mother lives in our basement, but the kids sleeep on the third floor, and her moms room is at the opposite end of the house two floors down. Our son has terrible allergies and will awaken at night wanting meds, if she is not home the little guy will panick not knowing where his mom is.
As for the phone calls I know I need to create space and I do, but when she is sneaking out at night after I leave for work and not answering calls from anyone, including her mother, I believe she is being VERY irresponsible. I know she is angry at me and doing this as a way to get back at me because of what I did, but I wish she would think of the kids.
I do see a counselor, I have an appt. this afternoon. I am going to be honest with her about everything that is occuring in the marriage and keep working towards repairing the damage we are both creating.
Another thing is she does not want me to know where she is and wont answer her phone when she is gone, but I had better let her know where I am, and what I am doing or I am automatically accused of being with the OW.
Just yesterday I had a job in a downtown location, suit and tie stuff, and my W wanted to know the location, hours, and what I was doing there.
While I was ther I took my mother in laws advice and called the OW to find out if she was intending on transfering out of our office, and if she wasn't to begin the process of transfering out myself. When I told my W about the phone call, as I promised her I would when there was any contact with the OW no matter how brief it is, she asked what was said and if she "came on to me?". Of course I told her the truth, and now the OW didn't come on to me.
I am telling my W the truth about everything that has and is occuring because that is what she wants and deserves after what I did to our marriage, plus I think this is a sign that she does still care about the M.
Tonight I am working at the location where I spent the last time with the OW, I have asked my W to come by and see me, check on me, or just drive by to see that I am tlelling the truth about where I am. We'll have to wait and see if she takes me up on it.
Last night the W went out with her best friend, who she says she is not telling what happened, not sure if she did or not. When she got home I tried to initiate physical contact, she declined, but smiled a sly smile the whole time.
She still wants to know where I am and when I will be home, which I think is encouraging. She also asks where I am moving to, discouraging. Because of her recent actions, staying out until all hours of the night, I have told her I am not leaving until she gets herself squared away with her actions. Is this reasonable?
We are now walking in each others shoes, she is having an A, and I am feeling the pain. My C says this is a normal process for some couples, and I think I read in either DB or STM that it could be part of the healing process. I don't feel I can fault her for what she is doing, but it HURTS so badly that I can barely function.
When I close my eyes I see her with another man, but when I'm awake I just think of ways to try and stop her from leaving. I even think I had a panic/anxiety attack yesterday while she was at work.
I would really like to hear from some one who has survived an A in the way I described. From what I have read most M's come out stronger from the actions my wife is taking. Could this be true?
Hi crs, I think there are several people on the board that was a WAS to later find themselves as the LBS. I don't know what to say to you other than encourage you to keep coming back and to read other people' threads.
I do have a questions for you, what could your W had done to stop the A you were having? Maybe you could apply it to yourself now. I don't know, depending on the answer.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, I don't know what she could have done . The first time with the OW, I was mad at my W for putting me through 7 months of hell while she decided whether or not she wanted a D.
I met the other woman the night we went to a state mandated parenting class, and about a week later when she found out I was talking to this OW, my W wanted me back. I guess we both jumped back in to quick.
Several months later the A started, lasted about 3 months before being discovered. It was ended for about 5 months then I initiated contact again and the rest is all regrettable.
No, I did not love the OW, which is why having the second A is so confusing, but it happened, I have come completely clean about both times, and now my W is having an affair that she flaunts in my face, but denies at the same time.
Back to your question, what could my W have done? n I think had she gotten angry about it the first time, thrown a shock into me and made me realize how serious the A was, I may, no, would have been honest and done the things I am doing now. If only I had taken it more serious.
Thanks for making me think about your question. I read your post yesterday and spent most of the day trying to come up with the answer, and I will continue thinking about it in the future. I really appreciate you making me challenge myself and think about the situation in an honest way.
Dear CRS, just please don't stop posting right away like so many people do. We may not always have the answers, but it helps to vent your frustrations or ask questions or just talk to another person. People here care about each other and it really does help. Don't give up.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi2, your words mean a great deal at a time like this. I just keep repeating two things to myelf, "It aint over till its over!" and "Time is my friend", as long as I can keep those thoughts in my head I will survive this. I know once we move past the trauma of the A, the M can be rebuilt.
