I've been sitting with and reviewing all the feedback of late and want to respond to some parts which particularly stood out for me.
From Ali: "You sound like a lovely man, shes 43..realistically...decent partners are thin on the ground at that age! They're either M with kids, or going through MLC themselves !! And the ones that are perpetually single still, are probably not worth bothering with ;-) She'll find out..."
Thanks, Ali : ) I hadn't thought of it quite in that way. But this does tie into undervaluing who I am and what I have offered. I do think that (while far from perfect) I offered some very precious and not easy to find qualities.
From Ali: "...the overriding message I get from all of the above (whether she manages to see someone else or not, and cross that bridge if and when it happens)...SHE WANTS TO KEEP YOU IN HER LIFE !"
Yes, I hear this too. I must say that part of me feels like a commodity...she is wanting to go and play the field and see if there is something better out there. If so, she'll take it; if not, she'll check back in! In another way, I guess I need to accept and understand that she has been unhappy and restless in our relationship, and so is looking outside of it.
From Ali: "I think you need to work on how you interpret things. You seem to have interpreted it as pretty hopeless, but I didnt ! Why do you think you are intepreting it so negatively? Is it just that it hurts so much?
From Bruce: "You seem determined to interpret things as proof that it's over. Maybe it is over, but maybe not. You don't seem to have final proof one way or the other right now. So, ask yourself why you are reacting that way."
Yes, you're both right. I know that I have been doing this, but it's hard to see it at the time. There are a few reasons I can see for this:
1. I think it is partly that it does hurt so much and gets overwhelming. The part of her wanting to be in relationships with others is where it becomes too much for me. I think it would be incredibly painful to stay as friends and hear about this. It hurts to keep hearing someone say they feel "trapped" and do not have an interest in working on anything. I feel sick in my gut because I do not want someone to be with me feeling this way.
2. I also think it is a way of trying to have a sense of control--to "beat her to the punch" so to speak. I've felt very helpless at times in this, like I am waiting for this to drop.
From Ali (and Tree also): "About the MC, I'm not sure about that, if she feels got at and under pressure, maybe its counter-productive at the moment?"
I've thought about that too. She made the choice in the session to book another time. And she could have changed her mind but kept it. I'm a little concerned about it, even thought about suggesting we cancel it, but for now will just keep it as is.
From Ali: "I said it before...you need to be the big person here and if you truly love her...let her go. Tell her you understand she is struggling at this juncture in her life with whats gone before and the next stage of her life, shes trying to reconcile some childhood issues, some long standing issues, that its tough for her, she feels got at, pinned down, trapped... that she needs a period of time to spread her wings and find out what she really wants...and that as you love her, you give her your blessing.."
This is a very important piece that I get confused on. I think that yes, if she says that she wants to end things when she gets back, this would probably be what I would say (I hope I can be that eloquent!). But then, isn't that pulling the plug?
From Kalni: "Have you considered having a more optimistic thread title?"
Yeah, I think that will need to change. I still do feel quite like this, but I am going to sit with this. Good point, Kalni!
From Ali: "My god man, you want to pull the plug and shes throwing you life lines left right and centre! (they're not long enough to reach you yet, but shes throwing them out all the same)"
What an interesting way to look at it...I do feel blind to signs of hope. I think it is because I used to see baby steps and feel inspired, but then crash. In the last few weeks, as it feels like the distance is growing and she mentions not wanting to work on it, I find myself trying to brace for the end.
From Treeman: "Hang tough and remember you are giving this one heck of an effort."
Thank you, sir. This hit home for me, and I have been supported by a few key people who love me who say that they admire the courage it requires to hold SUCH a difficult space.
