Worried I found DB too late #2

[houndfan]

I know it sounds backwards, but I can promise from my own experience that my W's efforts in the critical area helped me to want to fight so much more for me and my marriage. She needed not to do a thing because I had been such an arse, but she cares enough about this family (now) that she works on the same issues. They came hard and fast too because I am so scatter brained, but she really does an excellent job of holding in the critical comments right/wrong/indifferent.

So, as with everything else in marriage, it is a two way street. He has some issues that he needs to personally address and work on as do you but I am convinced that if you work hard on this ONE part of your approach you can have HOPE!!!!

Have you read any of Gottman's book? I think that Michelle's stuff is great and I would not be here if it weren't for DB, but we have also gotten great reward from Gottman as well! Get reading!!!!

One thing that I think you may need to address first is understanding the Harsh Start-ups. If you are as similar to my W as I think, this will help you and your M greatly!

I am super proud of you!!!

[cw68]

I haven't forgotten about writing the connections, just a very busy day and I want to make sure I respond well and in-depth. I should have the time and energy to so tonight.

Will take a look at his books after I finish reading the 5 love languages and there's another out there somewhere I want to read.

[cw68]

OK, here goes. Mine, His, and Our connections. This is a bit difficult in ways because my H thinks we don't have anything in common anymore and he's not completely off the mark. A lot of the things we used to do we don't do anymore. First having two kids close together made it difficult and then for the past two years or so H hasn't wanted to do anything with me. Instead he chose to do fun things with friends instead of me. These things have changed what we do. My husband has also gotten into somewhat of a rut and doesn't do a lot of things he used to do, but I'm still including these in his activities because I think that if he shakes the apathy that our R caused he'd still be interested in them. So here goes:

Mine: civic activities, music, water sports, very social, cycling

His: running, clubbing, somewhat social, tennis (used to), motorcycles

Ours current: family, travel, wine tasting, golf, food/cooking, gardening, exercising

Ours used-to-be: camping, hiking, comedy clubs, politics, volunteering

Things he does that I'd be open to: tennis, clubbing, motorcycling

Things I do that I wish he'd be open to: cycling, music

Things we used to do that I miss: all of them! Really would like to begin camping and hiking again. Would like to volunteer as a family too.

--

Now to some journaling:

Spoke to H when he called to say goodnight to the kids. Asked him what was going on and he just said, "Um. Just sitting here hanging out." Sounded kind of lonely or bored, though I realize I could be reading this into his voice. I was chipper and upbeat. Told him that I'm going to buy the tickets to the show and if he doesn't come with me I'll find another person to accompany me, that I was actually really excited now to go to my first hip-hop show. I'm not too into hip-hop. Love the sound, love the beat, hate the lyrics and the negative, misogynistic bent to it all. My husband loves it. However, after I was thinking about it, I love seeing live music and I haven't seen a modern day hip-hop show. I went to some rap shows back in the day before the gansta movement, so it's been awhile and I'm actually quite interested in the whole scene. Anyway, I digress. He said that that was a really good idea. I then told him I had to get off the phone because I have a small grant to write tonight. That was two hours ago, I should quit this internet stuff and start writing it!

[Grace_O]

cw,

Sounds like some good connections and I like that you are both open to some of each others activities.

I must have missed the show you're buying tickets for. Which show is it? I have a D13 that dances on a team so I'm always curious about the different shows.

Happy grant writing.

[cw68]

Grant writing stinks. blech

After I read my post I realized how one-sided it came out. A lot of things that I used to suggest, I stopped doing. Part of it was apathy on my part. Part of it was that H rarely actually jumped on it. A few months ago he said that, sure, I'd suggest things to do, but wouldn't follow up on them. I think I just quit trying. The weekend after he said that, I suggested that we take the kids kayaking. He thought it was a great idea. Know what we did instead? Yep, garden/yard projects, putting in a new fountain we bought. He asked, "But aren't you happy it got done? Doesn't it feel good to accomplish a task? You like working in the yard." Everything he said was true, but it was just very typical to me. So a lot of the things that we used to do but don't anymore are because we both stopped doing things together.

The show is Kayne West's Glow in the Dark Tour. I'm going to see Lupe Fiasco.

[houndfan]

So... I now exactly how you feel in regards to the loss of activities as a couple. The identity seems to disappear as you move through your marriage and lives with your children. We had a similar development prior to the seperation with our lives really going in different directions.

I would not say that we have made huge strides in having connectivity in OUR marriage. However, we have made an attempt to make some decisions based on our personal and mutual interests. We used to let house work and other tasks dominate our lives rather than having some occassional fun. Now, I think there are some times where we really try to spend some time together in activities that we both enjoy.

The important thing, if you can get to this point, is making it a priority to do something together every day. It does not have to be monumental, but it should be something. We seem to congragate in the kitchen during dinner and clean up. So we send the monkies to their play room and we have 10 minutes to connect emotionally. We even have a rule that this time is not to be spent "bitching" but to be catching up. It seems to work most of the time....

I think that if you can both see the differences in the "three" marriages you will be more apt to work on the collective. I really think you are doing well here the last few days... I am about your H age and while I like Kanye West I can not imagine going to the show. Kudos to you!

[cw68]

Our mutual identity definitely diminished as the years went by. Part of it, I think, it the nature of the stay-at-home Mom vs. corporate success. A lot of my entertainment activities were task oriented to replace things I was missing as a SAHM. Volunteering, grant writing, my city position. He wanted entertainment activities to give him a break from those same things. Both of us staying out blowing off steam until 2am wasn't feasible. On top of the babysitter impossibility (geographically, our closest family is in Illinois), I had two little kids to take care of the next day and doing that tired and/or hungover is a lot more difficult than suffering through a day at the office. You can plan for slow days at the office, but you can't with a 1- and 2-year old!

I know that I was personally hurt that he would fall asleep on days home while on the sofa with me and was up in bed by 10pm, but he'd go out with his friends and have no problem staying up until 2am. On the other hand, most of my friends are Moms too and it's almost impossible to get them to stay out past 11pm and I'm the night owl. H would go to bed and I'd read/surf the internet/watch a movie until Midnight or so. I really think this was a big problem.

Regarding letting house tasks take over, I totally know what you're talking about. However, right now our house is a common project that I think is helping our relationship. We bought this house two years ago with the plan to update it; we had just sold the house we did a complete renovation on. Up until recently, jack diddly was done. Again, I think it was symptomatic of our relationship. We actually do enjoy doing house projects together and we work really well together in this regard. H has even commented on it recently. So I'm all over house tasks right now! Yet if we continue together we're going to have to break out into doing other things together too.

I'm a little freaked at the possibility of seeing Kayne w/out H. I'm really intrigued by checking out the scene for the night, but I also know it's going to be pretty crazy at the same time. This is a huge 180 for me, yet it's also a 180 back to who I used to be. Risk taker, up for new thangs and the dating Cyndi easily would have gone to this concert with H before we married. A year ago I would have said, "NO WAY!"

[cw68]

Journaling:

Met hubby for a brief shopping trip today. Made a big effort to be effortless (hah!) and witty. When I dropped him off we kissed, per the norm, and I swear as I pulled away he was going back for another one. At the very least I was the one pulling away first. God, this is so like dating again where you notice every little good and bad thing! Text flirted a bit today, too.

I really think my DBing is going well. I predict a breakthrough (I think it will be physical to some extent) followed by a pull-back. Something good in the next four or five days and a confirm on the concert, then a freak-out on his end and he'll cancel the concert and head to Southern California early. I'm very thankful for this site laying out the pattern so should we get to better times I know to expect some reversals. This is, of course, IF we get better times...

[houndfan]

They'll come, it sounds very positive... he is stepping ever so slightly towards you! At least you know the gameplan now and can prepare to defense against it.

[cw68]

I do think some good things are coming our way. We'll see how permanent they are, however. Knowing some patterns has been very helpful. This site is great!

I was right about the kissing thing. He stopped by this morning per a change in our agreement so he could see the kids another morning and the kisses were definitely softer. Then when I left the house tonight to go to the apartment, he kissed me a few times in a row. Him, not me! And at one point we stood next to each other waiting for our son and he had his arm comfortably draped across my shoulder.

Asked him this morning to let me know sometime in the next few days about the concert so I could give my friends time to get a sitter should one of them go with me. After he left a good friend stopped by while walking her dog and she's going to go with me to the show should H take off for SoCal that early. The best thing is that she's totally OK with it being not definite right now and she's looking forward to it too.

Now I'm in the quiet apartment relaxing with a beer and some music, headed to a bubble bath and pedicure for pampering in a few minutes. As much as I miss my kids (and it killed me when I called tonight to say goodnight to the kids and my S5 told me he didn't like Dad getting an apartment and us not being all together), I really try to use this time to recharge and make the best of it.