Well, this morning she comes into the dining room while I'm eating breakfast. Tells me that she's got to go for more tests, ultrasound, doctor says she might need an operation, might take out her uterus, She can't work, how will she pay for this, etc, etc...
She's tearful, scared. Drama. I tell her that if she needs anything to let me know. I get up and put my arm around her shoulders and she faces away from me but doesn't push me away.
So, I stop after a minute and leave her to sit down and finish breakfast.
She tells me her 'Spiritual Friend' came over to the 'other house' last night and did some 'energy work' on her. She's trying anything she can to get 'better'. I tell her I hope it helped.
A little later I went to talk to her about grocery shopping. D17 and I have been making a list because, well, she hasn't gone shopping at all this week and we're out of everything.
I just tell her that if she needs to rest, we can go. She decides that she's going to go and is pissy in her attitude. Yeah, she's hormonal but she doesn't have to be a jerk. Nothing changes and I would imagine that she has to put up a barrier because - gasp - Frank showed some compassion for her.
Anyway, talked to FaithIsBelieving who reminded me of the times he had to take his W to the hospital and how she totally crapped on him afterwards. I'll keep that in mind.
Still on the Divorce train, W's financials are going downhill which hurts us all. I hope she can stay 'happy' during all this, after all she is a 'happy person'.
Lexapro seems to be taking the edge off things a little more. It sure looks bleak financially, but I have faith. God didn't put me here without the skills to survive.
I hope she can stay 'happy' during all this, after all she is a 'happy person'.
If that's a happy person, I'd hate to see her get sucked down into a state of depression.
Energy work?
Friggin PLEASE. She sucks the energy out of a place at such a rate that I'm surprised you are not living in the stone ages.
Sorry, Frank. But when the real world smacks her upside the head I think I'm going to want a front row seat just to see the look on her face when she realizes what she's done.
Well, she asked me to go get food because she wasn't up to shopping. So I asked her for money. She then says "Never mind I'll get the stuff on my way back from massaging". So I explain that I can do it, she'll reimburse me later. She gets more angry.
I explained that I though we agreed that she would buy groceries. She says 'when did we agree to that?'. I said you have been doing it and you said something to that effect.
I said "I pay for 80% of everything else so we can still live here". She says "Yeah, and I'm paying the insurance, and now I made a car payment! I don't make much money and I'm never going to get out from living under you and your control!"
She was crying, and I got mad and said "Well you know, I've been living in a depression for a long time and you kicked me when I was down, do you think it's been easy for me to pick myself up from that? This whole thing was a really bad idea!".
By now she was in the car so she drove away angry. I'm sorry but I have mixed feelings. I'm scared because I fear a negative response coming from her, and I'm angry because she doesn't seem to think she is responsible for FOOD unless she has money? She's not responsible for anything but her credit card bills I guess?
She has to 'get out from under me?' Geeze man, I give her so much SPACE it's incredible. But she's under my financial control?
She could just walk away I guess. Maybe she will.
She told me what I should make for dinner and stuff so she's not planning on coming back tonight.
Frank this tantrum is not about you. Let her boil. She is actually mad at herself. She is going to be angry at you FIRST because she is not yet at the place she can look at herself and take the responsibility for the shortfalls in HER life.
She is going to start looking at ways she can get a chunk of change in her purse. If you own that house, or anything else, she will start pressing you to sell it.
Frank this tantrum is not about you. Let her boil. She is actually mad at herself. She is going to be angry at you FIRST because she is not yet at the place she can look at herself and take the responsibility for the shortfalls in HER life.
Probably true. One thing for sure, she really doesn't want to be anywhere near me, around me, with me, married to me. Really.
At least I told her how I feel, how she kicked me when I was down, how that was a bad idea and isn't helping us.
Not that it matters. In her mind it's all my fault and she'll NEVER be able to move out because she has to actually help pay bills here.
I think I am going to have to come up with a way to survive without her income. I need her to go. Maybe I better sell the house, I'm so messed up I'm not getting things done fast enough so I'm barely hanging on as it is. Actually, I'm not hanging on. I'm dreaming that I'm hanging on.
I don't know what her health problem is. If it is a miscarriage, then she might need a procedure to finish it. If it is fibroid tumors that are benign (very common in women and they cause heavy periods) it is not by any means emergency surgery. There are many approaches besides hysterectomy. In fact, hysterectomies are hardly done anymore because of the other less intrusive options. She might need a second opinion. And since heavy bleeding ends with menopause, in many cases women just put up with the heavy bleeding until they reach menopause.
I don't know what her health problem is. If it is a miscarriage, then she might need a procedure to finish it. If it is fibroid tumors that are benign (very common in women and they cause heavy periods) it is not by any means emergency surgery. There are many approaches besides hysterectomy. In fact, hysterectomies are hardly done anymore because of the other less intrusive options. She might need a second opinion. And since heavy bleeding ends with menopause, in many cases women just put up with the heavy bleeding until they reach menopause.
She can't get pregnant so that's not an issue. I recall that her mom had some kind of polyp years ago but I don't think it's anything terrible. It's not an emergency, the meds they gave her stopped the excessive bleeding. She is overreacting, as usual, attaching significance to anything and everything her doctor says without putting it in context..
And she is always a B*tch during her cycle. I just don't want to deal with her any more. And she doesn't want to take responsibility for OUR FAMILIES financials, she just wants to 'get out from under Frank'. Could it be any more clear to me? She pretty much spelled it out.
Well, she called me a few minutes later. I'll try to summarize.
She offered to 'pay me back' for the food shopping. I told her it wasn't necessary but she said, angrily, "You seemed to be upset that I needed to pull my weight at the house, you said you pay 80% of the bills..."
I told her that It's true, and that I didn't see any reason to pay me for groceries, she would make it up another way.
It degraded from there.
She said we should file for bankruptcy. I said we weren't there yet and I had some revenue I was waiting for.
She said she wasn't going to make much money the next few weeks because she is sick. And of course, WHY am I doing this to her now?
I said I wasn't doing anything, we had a misunderstanding and now it's clear to me she can't put any money into the household. She complained that she'd probably be late on her credit card bill now. (I'm late on a lot of bills, but that doesn't seem to matter to her)
I tell her once again, that it's taking me TIME but I'm doing the best I can at trying to pick myself back up. I tell her that I was in severe depression and anxiety and her deciding to leave while I was already so low put my farther down but I'm going to be ok, and I'll make the finances work.
She says "Oh, yeah. I timed it so I could leave when you were at your lowest point. And now you're doing this to me while I'm sick"
She says she tried to get me to do something to help myself, and that "You can't make someone get help. They have to bottom out and do it on their own".
So, I'm tired of that cop out and I tell her "Look, I went and saw Counselor, and last week I saw our Doctor." They BOTH said I was lucky to be alive. That the kind of depression and anxiety I was in was STOPPING me from making decisions. I was FROZEN and needed help making decisions. DO you get it?" I also told her about the Lexapro for the past 2 weeks and how hard it was to decide to get THAT.
She still goes on, 'Well I tried to make you do things but you wouldn't do them'.
I said "Do you not 'get it'? I COULDN'T decide to do anything. I wanted to die. I wanted to get better but I had no idea HOW. I had no idea I was SICK. I thought I could get control back on my own"
She starts crying uncontrollably now. She goes on to say how she tried to make me go see someone, but I 'wouldn't go'. I don't recall any of these things except her SUGGESTING things, and me thinking I was ok, just in a slump.
I told her that I KNOW I didn't take care of myself, and that I DID need help. But at the time I could not see it. She's still sobbing and saying how I didn't 'ask for help'.
I call B.S. on that. I tell her to remember when I asked her to do her 'massage / energy' thing on me and she wouldn't because she said she "could only do that with people she wasn't going to see for more than an hour". and that she said "Make an appointment if you want a massage". I mentioned a few other things where I ASKED her to help me and she didn't argue about them.
I said I want her to be happy. She says she wants me to be happy to, and that "do you know that you can't make someone else happy, they have to make themselves happy?"
I tell her that I've never given up on her, I carried the weight of her and the family 2 years ago, and I haven't had a chance to recover from that or anything else. I haven't been able to be healthy.
She says "Well, I guess you should give up on me because apparently I've given up on you". I say "well maybe you shouldn't because we're much stronger together than we are apart.
She stop crying and says "No, we're not. We're stronger apart. I'm NOT going to be married to you any more. I'm not going to change my mind."
She says she's not 'bailing out' she's 'changing the situation'. She's not running away from the kids, and if that's what I'm telling them then I'm wrong. I tell her that I don't say anything to the kids about this, nor would I.
She tells me she wants me to be happy, and we'll both learn to make ourselves happy because we're apart. I finished by telling her that I'll find a way to make it so we don't need her income any more, so she can go on with her life.
There was a few moments of silence, and I said goodbye.
So, it's still "Frank was not taking care of himself, and you can't make someone take care of them self so you wait until you can't take it any more then you bail." I know where she gets this from of course, her 'new age' friends.
Well, what about 'interventions' or calling in family, or friends or other kind of help? Nope, just let the person fester till they crash, or die, or both.
She is sure that she is not responsible for anything. She never will be. In her mind it's all my fault. She tried, and since I wouldn't help myself when she told me to, well that's the way it goes. Her mantra: YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELF.
I guess that's it. I give up on her, let God sort her out.
