Well, she called me a few minutes later. I'll try to summarize.
She offered to 'pay me back' for the food shopping. I told her it wasn't necessary but she said, angrily, "You seemed to be upset that I needed to pull my weight at the house, you said you pay 80% of the bills..."
I told her that It's true, and that I didn't see any reason to pay me for groceries, she would make it up another way.
It degraded from there.
She said we should file for bankruptcy. I said we weren't there yet and I had some revenue I was waiting for.
She said she wasn't going to make much money the next few weeks because she is sick. And of course, WHY am I doing this to her now?
I said I wasn't doing anything, we had a misunderstanding and now it's clear to me she can't put any money into the household. She complained that she'd probably be late on her credit card bill now. (I'm late on a lot of bills, but that doesn't seem to matter to her)
I tell her once again, that it's taking me TIME but I'm doing the best I can at trying to pick myself back up. I tell her that I was in severe depression and anxiety and her deciding to leave while I was already so low put my farther down but I'm going to be ok, and I'll make the finances work.
She says "Oh, yeah. I timed it so I could leave when you were at your lowest point. And now you're doing this to me while I'm sick"
She says she tried to get me to do something to help myself, and that "You can't make someone get help. They have to bottom out and do it on their own".
So, I'm tired of that cop out and I tell her "Look, I went and saw Counselor, and last week I saw our Doctor." They BOTH said I was lucky to be alive. That the kind of depression and anxiety I was in was STOPPING me from making decisions. I was FROZEN and needed help making decisions. DO you get it?" I also told her about the Lexapro for the past 2 weeks and how hard it was to decide to get THAT.
She still goes on, 'Well I tried to make you do things but you wouldn't do them'.
I said "Do you not 'get it'? I COULDN'T decide to do anything. I wanted to die. I wanted to get better but I had no idea HOW. I had no idea I was SICK. I thought I could get control back on my own"
She starts crying uncontrollably now. She goes on to say how she tried to make me go see someone, but I 'wouldn't go'. I don't recall any of these things except her SUGGESTING things, and me thinking I was ok, just in a slump.
I told her that I KNOW I didn't take care of myself, and that I DID need help. But at the time I could not see it. She's still sobbing and saying how I didn't 'ask for help'.
I call B.S. on that. I tell her to remember when I asked her to do her 'massage / energy' thing on me and she wouldn't because she said she "could only do that with people she wasn't going to see for more than an hour". and that she said "Make an appointment if you want a massage". I mentioned a few other things where I ASKED her to help me and she didn't argue about them.
I said I want her to be happy. She says she wants me to be happy to, and that "do you know that you can't make someone else happy, they have to make themselves happy?"
I tell her that I've never given up on her, I carried the weight of her and the family 2 years ago, and I haven't had a chance to recover from that or anything else. I haven't been able to be healthy.
She says "Well, I guess you should give up on me because apparently I've given up on you". I say "well maybe you shouldn't because we're much stronger together than we are apart.
She stop crying and says "No, we're not. We're stronger apart. I'm NOT going to be married to you any more. I'm not going to change my mind."
She says she's not 'bailing out' she's 'changing the situation'. She's not running away from the kids, and if that's what I'm telling them then I'm wrong. I tell her that I don't say anything to the kids about this, nor would I.
She tells me she wants me to be happy, and we'll both learn to make ourselves happy because we're apart. I finished by telling her that I'll find a way to make it so we don't need her income any more, so she can go on with her life.
There was a few moments of silence, and I said goodbye.
So, it's still "Frank was not taking care of himself, and you can't make someone take care of them self so you wait until you can't take it any more then you bail." I know where she gets this from of course, her 'new age' friends.
Well, what about 'interventions' or calling in family, or friends or other kind of help? Nope, just let the person fester till they crash, or die, or both.
She is sure that she is not responsible for anything. She never will be. In her mind it's all my fault. She tried, and since I wouldn't help myself when she told me to, well that's the way it goes. Her mantra: YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELF.
I guess that's it. I give up on her, let God sort her out.
