Baby steps in the right direction (thread 3)

[MichelleLT]

if he needs to be independent then taking care of his own finances is part of it. I really feel like I am dealing with a child here.

And I think that is hindering your willingness to work on the M. No one wants to be in a R/M to a 5 yr old! We want MEN.

[klm]

You are absolutely right!

You know how kids will tell their parents to butt out of their lives because they are grown...the parents then respond with if you are grown then you can pay for rent, car, gas, etc. That is exactly how I feel with H.

He wants to be independent but only on the fun things. He wants help with the responsibility aspect of being an adult.

I have to quit running to his rescue. I know I have to do it (I have said that since day one)...I am just not sure HOW to do it.

[MichelleLT]

I think you do - you already said it. You will help him out until his pay gets regular. Then, he is on his own. I think you just need to tell him that. After that, play it by ear. If he asks for help and you want to, then do so. If not, let him deal with it.

[GoingForward]

I agree. Let him begin to take care of himself asap, and if he still needs some help, help if you want. But stand firm and stick to your guns as well so you don't find yourself stuck in the same old rut. If there's a way to gently put it to him, suggest areas where he ought to tighten his budget (beer, take-out, etc).

[klm]

You are both right. Yesterday I noticed that I put myself in this situation. Yesterday was the first time he has actually come out and asked me for help...and it seemed really hard for him to do. I guess I always just do it.

I pay the car payment because my name is on the car and I don't want it to be late and mess up my credit. I make sure the rent is paid because I cosigned on the apt...and again I don't want to mess up my credit.

He should get a paycheck on Friday but it will only be partial, but after that he should be able to take care of his bills himself. We have talked a little about trading cars. My car payment is WAY cheaper than his and I get WAY better gas mileage. It wouldn't exactly be a good deal for me...but it is something I would be willing to do, so we'll see.

I did go to his apartment last night and wash clothes. I thanked him when I left and he told me it was the least he could do. I am beginning to think the reason for his withdrawing is because he doesn't feel like a "man". He feels dependent on me and maybe he feels he doesn't deserve to act like we are back on track just yet...if that makes sense. I will see in a couple of weeks when he is able to do everything himself. I am thinking his attitude will change, but if it doesn't...I think that will be the time for a serious talk about my needs in this R.

I got an email from a guy I used to work with today. He was telling me about work and said he really wished I still worked there..he even reminded me that I still have a house there if I wanted to come back. He told me my old boss is having a hard time and hasn't really been the same since I left. I did A LOT around there and really enjoyed my job (much better than this one). Anyway, knowing that I am missed was good for my PMA Honestly I never would have left there if it wasn't for the drastic difference in pay. I really do miss it.

[MichelleLT]

Sorry I haven't been online today. My schedule was a bit weird.

I am glad your H will be able to pick up the slack after this week. I am sure that will help his PMA tremendously. It's funny that he seemed to happy that you needed something from him - even as simple as a washer and dryer. Just goes to show that he really needs to be appreciated.

Nice PMA boost for you with that e-mail. It's always nice to be told things like that.

You are doing amazing. I can't imagine paying for a house I'm not living in and a H's stuff that I'm not living with plus taking care of myself. Do you ever sleep? Lol.

[klm]

Yeah, he did seem really happy to be able to help me with something. I am sure he just wants to contribute something...not feel like so much of a bum. I know he hates depending on me...he just really needs to learn to control his finances better. I know at the moment he doesn't have much to control....but if he had done a better job at saving in the past he wouldn't be in the position he is in. I don't know if I will ever feel "secure" moneywise with him. He is just very irresponsible.

Paying for the house is starting to take a toll on me. I actually called the realtor yesterday and dropped the price. He talked me out of dropping it as much as I wanted...but I really just want to get rid of it. I am about to have to get someone to take care of the lawn so that adds another layer of stress to it. I am also thinking of having someone come in and paint the inside of it...my colors weren't exactly "neutral".

I did go out with some friends last night and I had a REALLY good time. Kind of took my mind off of things...kind of got me wondering how much more patience I have with H. I am just so tired of being stressed about all of this. I want to have fun, I want to enjoy my life...and I want someone to enjoy it with me.

[MichelleLT]

Just a thought, but the difference between being spontaneous and irresponsible is perspective - whether or not other people feel you have the money to spend. Obviously, ATM, he doesn't, but at other points in his life it didn't get him into serious financial trouble.

I have my fingers and toes crossed for you to sell the house soon. It would be so nice to have that burden off you.

I'm glad you got out and had fun last night. It's so nice to take a break and relax. And so necessary. Gonna start working out again this week too?

[klm]

I guess that is one way to look at it. ...but his spending habits actually have gotten him in serious financial trouble at other points in his life. That is why I had to cosign on the apt. and my name is on the car. He was really bad before we got married. Even when he was single and in the AF, he was making really good money and had trouble making ends meet. That is just the way he is...he has no idea how to handle finances.

I am worried he will be in the same boat again...making ok money...but still no idea how to manage it so that his bills get paid. I would say it isn't my problem, but since my name is on some of his debt it...it kind of is my problem.

That is one area that we always clashed. I am the COMPLETE opposite of him regarding money.

Actually I did start working out again this week and it is kicking my butt!

I think I am becoming a little desensitized to everything regarding our R. I don't think that is a good thing because I kind of feel like I am becoming indifferent...which is actually strange for me to write or even admit. I am not sure how to get that WANT back.....maybe those are the same feelings my H was/is dealing with.

[MichelleLT]

Congrats on getting back to working out. It'll be worth it in the long run even though it hurts at first. (Least that's what I tell myself lol)

I misunderstood. I thought the apt had to do with the phone bill, didn't realize he had previous credit problems. While I am definitely with you on protecting your credit history, is there a way you could start getting your name off stuff? Or possibly refuse to co-sign for future things? I kinda suspect he'll never really learn to balance a checkbook until it really bites him in the a$$, but wouldn't want you to be hurt in the process. He's probably always had someone who bailed him out at the low points - family, friends, you, whomever. It's probably a very good thing you are the opposite with money lol. Which totally doesn't help you out at the moment.

While it is good to be detached, I can see how indifference is different and worrying. Hopefully someone in piecing can help you out more. Since I'm still a bit in crisis mode trying to even get to a point where my H will want to be in a M at all, I haven't had a lot of time to experience those emotions.