[girlfromipanema]

Hello everyone.

I found this site quite a while back and have been reading and reading and reading and reading. Several weeks ago I received DR and finished it in a day. I've been married just 3 1/2 years (together 6 1/2). We don't have any children. H and I work together and one of our female colleagues is our friend - I've always considered her my best friend other than my H. I don't think H realizes it, but he is probably having an EA with her and after two years of me trying to make him aware of some of the inappropriate behavior, things came to a head in early December. I lashed out at him physically, which I deeply regret. I just simply snapped. Things have been really, REALLY bad since.

We've discussed the possibility of a D and he just recently told me he has a lot of things to consider before making a final decision. My heart is broken, my self image and confidence are shattered and I'm confused. I only want to be in a marriage where I am cherished as much as I cherish my H. I have a lot of love in my heart and I give it freely to those I care about. I don't want the one I love to hold all the "power" in our marriage. I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect for him to be happy with me - it's simply not a realistic expectation.

______

H and I met at work in June 2001.

He's brilliant. He's honorable. He's a kind and good man. Very intense and focused, but one of the funniest people I've ever known. He's physically gorgeous. Charming, charismatic... one of those people good at everything they attempt. He comes from a very nice family. The whole package.

I'm intelligent, but not to his level. More scattered than focused... if I'm honest, a bit of a procrastinator. I'm attractive (some people have said I'm beautiful). My extended family is wonderful, but my immediate family is... well, you know the crazy uncle in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? That's my dad. My sister has it together, but my mom and I aren't even on speaking terms (she's a sweet lady, but overly involved in a crazy religion and I can't relate to her). A low-functioning thyroid has caused some very intense periods of major depression (pre-marriage), which my husband has never really understood. Depression is completely foreign to him. If my thyroid medication is optimized, I'm fine, and after several years of getting to know my thyroid disease, I recognize the signs that my levels need to be checked and meds adjusted. Anyway, I'm certainly not the whole package. I have a heart of gold, I'm very kind, I have many great qualities, but I also have many faults. When he initially asked me to marry him, I didn't believe I was good enough. He convinced me that he would only choose the best, and he chose me. Recently my feelings of inadequacy have reemerged and I'm thinking the best course of action (for his sake) would be to let him go so he could find his true equal.

Problem with that is I love him to bits and pieces. More than I ever thought I could love another human. I'm incredibly attracted to him and I admire nearly everything about him. I don't think he likes much about me right now. I'm so confused...

... to be continued.