I have never posted to you. I saw your post to someone else and was a little taken aback when I read your summary of R with H.
There was no OW in my case but The X also "carpet bombed" me. He use to repeatedly move in and out during the course of two years. He used it as a control mechanism when he didn't get his way. He was emotionally abusive and escalated to physical. There is a twist in my case, The X use to look up battered women web sites and threw me off balance by accusing me of emotionally abusing him. The X struck me, called the police, claimed I struck him - I ended up overnight in a holding cell and HE went to a battered women's shelter to seek counseling.
There was a point where I actually believed that I was the abusive spouse. There was a point where I believed that everything was my fault. It creeps up on you gradually...the whole loss of self esteem, etc. I lost my sense of perspective.
The X finally left when he realized that he could no longer control me.
It took me a year after an X-free life to realize that I had been in an abusive R.
It took me longer to realize that I did not make The X act the way he did.
Abusive personalities are incapable of taking responsibility for their own behavior. Anything that goes wrong in their life is ALWAYS someone else's fault. And they rarely change - even with counseling. It is usually important for them to create an image or front of being the good guy - I am not sure if they really believe it themselves or actually even know that they are lying.
You are doing the right thing in taking steps to protect yourself and your children. You are NOT responsible for the way H has treated you. And no one is capable of MAKING someone strike them.
