Trying to be patient

[karen43]

Thanks, GF!! No, H had said about trash talking me somewhere towards the middle of all the emails. Then he calmed down and apologized towards the end of the emails and even sent some nice emails complimenting me on the changes I've made and some other stuff too. Honestly, I guess it's that he is going through a mid-life crisis. He sent me about 50 emails today!

He also agreed to visiting the kids on Saturday instead of like this week he visited Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He tends to be cranky & yell on Sunday (maybe work-stress related I've always thought?)so I emailed him suggesting he see the kids on Saturday (which he agreed to also at the end of the emails) and I suggested he visit his girlfriend on Sunday!!! (She can enjoy his awful Sunday depressions!!!)So I think that will help solve some of our problems. We wound up being friendly & joking at the end of the day! Like I said, I think it's MLC!!! Karen

[karen43]

I had rehearsal again last night, and H watched the kids which was good. I saw my C today and talked to her about Sunday and Monday, and H yelling at me and the kids. She told me that I need to tell him that he should stop talking in that tone of voice with me and I'll talk to him when he is calmed down. That basically I should tell him to stop yelling which I didn't even think of! I think I have been yelled at by him for so long I am kind of used to it, which is sad. I will do that though in the future.

Plus C was saying if he brings up anything not related to the kids or coming and chasing me down (into my room & when I was exercising also) like Sunday to yell about the missing movie for example that I should remind him that he is there to visit the kids & spend time with them, not me! That's also something I am going to do. I just love talking with the C, it is so good for me!

Plus, she said H was probably so upset about my talk with the kids (that most dads don't have girlfriends) b/c he feels guilty. She said not to let him play games as he is doing or bring up my depression and that kind of thing. I am going to work on that, too! I have the night off tonight from the play so I can catch up on housework and hopefully relax a little too so I am in a good mood today! Hope everyone else is having a good day too!!! Karen

[LL44]

I like your C too. She is right on!!! Hope you have a good night.

[GoingForward]

I like your C too.

Me three!

You're amazing, Karen!

[karen43]

Thanks lwb & GF! You guys are the amazing ones though!!!

I had a good rehearsal last night, didn't forget any of my lines, and I've almost got the dances down. The choreographer gave everyone notes (basically complaints & critcisms) and some people got quite a few comments and I only got one or 2, so I was happy with that!

Life is so peaceful and good with the kids since H has not been here and I haven't seen him since this weekend. None of the drama and yelling.

I have wondered sometimes lately if maybe I am starting to no longer love H because I feel kind of numb almost about everything. But sometimes I have dreams about H like I did last night where we were kissing and I told him I loved him, so I guess I still am hung up on my own husband! Unfortunately, he is hung up on OW though! Karen

[Snow White]

Hey Karen,

I don't know if you mentioned it before but what is the name of the play you are in?

I am sure that the numbness comes as a defence from being hurt so much. As for the dreams, people always talk about having erotic dreams, I always (before and now) have dreamt about new love, someone falling in love with me and vice versa, it makes me wonder if I felt something missing all along.

[karen43]

Hey Karen,

I don't know if you mentioned it before but what is the name of the play you are in?

It's Mame, I think Angela Lansbury was in that one originally. It's a good play, funny, but lots of singing and dancing to learn. It's been good though at really keeping me busy the past 2 months which has been great! Karen

[karen43]

Just had rehearsal tonight; that went well. H is such a jerk though! I was running late so he and I saw each other for a few minutes (he is trying to avoid me I think) and then when I said Hi and Bye he ignored me and didn't say a word.

When I got back from rehearsal, H was still here but left as soon as I got home. I spoke to him about his promise to watch D8 while S14 was working as a stage tech which he had signed up for & H had volunteered a month ago to watch D8 while he was doing that. I told him that tonight the stage manager had asked for S14 to start coming to the rehearsals & reminded him of his promise of a few weeks ago and now H was upset and said he is busy Tues. night and can't make it or tomorrow, and etc. and said I should just take Jamie there for the late night rehearsals and let her play her Game Boy if I was a regular parent (I won't be able to supervise her b/c I am doing costume changes, acting, dancing, etc. His parental concern is so touching. Not.)

I emailed him and said I didn't need his help since he seems as if he is too busy to do it, but he emailed back that he will try to do a few nights. I said he doesn't have to, but if he could at least watch D8 during the actual performances (since there won't be a place for her to hang out then and people will be running around nude backstage b/c of all the costume changes.

H then emailed that when he was doing a play in December that I wasn't there every night to watch her (and apparently he tells me now he seems upset over that although he never said a word at the time. I emailed back that I was there often, but some nights I would be crying (he told me the IDLY speech and asked for a divorce and I found out about the OW at that time and he would ask me not to go as I was too upset. He said in his email I "couldn't be bothered" but I was there as much as I could be (I was in bad shape then admittedly but it wasn't b/c I couldn't be bothered!!! I am starting to believe he is just a jerk & not like him at all! Karen

[karen43]

I had an interesting day today. Rehearsal, I was so distracted today & had a hard time concentrating and missed 2 of my cues. My son S14 started working as backstage crew today & said my dancing is OK but I am the worst actor (out of everyone)! I need to work on that I guess!

Then I came home H was watching my D today and I mowed the grass. I am embarrassed to admit that I haven't done that ever before! I always let H do it, but I am trying to be really self-sufficient and independent now, so did that (and I am so tired) after that and the dancing & acting .

Then I went grocery shopping with the kids. We took so long about 2 hours or a little more (we always take a long time though b/c the kids want to look at toys and stuff like that) that H apparently got worried and said he was about to leave the house and start driving looking for us thinking we might have been in an accident or something. I am sure he was worried about the kids though not me!!!

Then I made dinner, just hamburgers and H decided he would eat with us. He even said thank you and they were good after which is amazing.

H and I also exchanged a few emails today talking about the past. I said I hadn't realized how hard mowing was and I used to give him a hard time when he would only mow half, but now I realize why he did that! and I apologized.

He also said he was upset that I said he didn't see the kids much which I said to his sister (& he listened to our conversation) after he asked for a divorce/told me about OW (although he emailed I said he never saw the kids which I have never said.

I told him that he had told the therapist in front of me that he had worked extra when he didn't have to to avoid me (and he of course wound up not seeing the kids then also). He also was running a lot, going out every Thursday night, and seeing and texting his girlfriend. He was gone at least 70 hours a week and obviously not good for a R. I reminded him of that and did say I didn't blame him for that b/c I was pretty miserable and depressed at the time and it probably wasn't any fun hanging around me. I said I see things differently now that I am no longer depressed & hope someday he will also. (Very anti-
DB of me I know, but just had to do it.)

So that was my day. I still want to work out and clean the house and then I will pass out!!! Karen

[karen43]

I forgot to add that the last couple days (H saw me yesterday and today) I have also been looking my best. I wore some of my new tighter clothes (that actually fit) since I've lost the 40 pounds or so that I lost, wore makeup, even curled my hair which I never do!

I actually didn't do that for H either, just been having a lot of good PMA and did that for the rehearsal yesterday didn't know I'd even see him but did see him before & after rehearsal, and maybe a little bit today cause I knew I would see him, but a lot b/c I've just been feeling good about myself. I know that no matter what happens b/w H and I, that I will be doing great. Karen