Need some hope

[Hope4us]

Feels good doesn't it DMB?

You are at the point I was at when I exposed to OMW, and because of her and OM's weird living arrangements (1000 miles apart) that didn't put the fork in the Affair, my further exposure of WW's STD to OM.

When I did those things I'd had enough and was at the point I didn't care whether my marriage ended or not.

I think you might be surprised at your WW's reaction. Sounds like to me that she thought she could just keep playing the game and you'd let it happen. Now that you've put your boundaries in place I'll bet she crumbles.

If she says to you again that the affair is over and agrees to your other conditions, ASK her how you two can work together to make sure no contact is in place. Once NC is in place she'll have to get through withdrawal before you can make any progress. Would you be able to take a longer vacation where you can ensure there is NC to help her get through the roughest part?

You might also be surprised if she doesn't commit by Sunday, that a few weeks or so go by and the reality of it hits her that she comes back with her tail between her legs.

If she does agree to NC, be prepared, it stinks.

[Doing_My_Best]

In 2.5 weeks, I am taking my 3 kids to the beach. I told WW she was more than welcome to come along if she wanted. I told her this roughly week ago. She said she would think about it. This was before I drew my final line. If she agrees to come back to the M, the timing would be great for all of us to get away for a week. My expectations are low however.

I will take whatever NC brings. Grumpy, sad, depressed W... whatever! I will take it. It HAS to be better than cheating, lying, deceitful W, right?

[Hope4us]

That's what I keep having to remind myself although I'm still dealing with WW being pretty secretive on some stuff. But I guess I think the time will come when she's put enough distance between her and OM that the secretive stuff will fall by the wayside, at least I hope. If it doesn't, I don't care how committed she is to our marriage, it would be a deal buster for me.

If she agrees to NC, do WHATEVER you can to make sure there is NC until you go to the beach. The first few days won't be so bad, but then about 4 days in (if she's like my WW) it will really start hitting her. When my WW's OM ended it with her the first time she lasted about 4 days and then HAD to contact him. Right after that contact her mood went through the roof (in a good way). I don't think my WW's severe WD was as bad when OM ended it after the STD exposure. It's like he must have ripped her so bad that the severe WD wasn't needed so much. But I'm still dealing with the residuals and probably will be for a while. But I can wait.

You should be able to tell if NC is in place by her moods. Bad Mood = Good for you. Watch for it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DMB, you are an inspiration. I know you are quick to thank those who help YOU, but in your courage and good humor, you have inspired even THEM, as well.

I just wanted you to know that.

Press on,

Puppy

[LL44]

I agree with Puppy!!!

[Doing_My_Best]

Sent my WW a 'goodbye, thanks for the memories, good luck, hope it was worth it' email last night. This after she told me she talked to OM yesterday. Truly, I can't take it anymore. Unless there is a MAJOR development, I am on the divorce-filing clock. T-minus 6 days and counting.

In my heart, I KNOW she KNOWS that she loves me, that I love her, and that we CAN make it through this. But she is just too weak to take the final step away from OM. It is just the saddest thing to see someone throwing everything away for an A. I guess you all know this already huh???

I told her months ago if she was addicted to drugs, I would stick by her side all the way. Well, she is addicted to this man, and I stuck by her, but unfortunately at some point, people have to help themselves. She has to help herself.

Ironically, it was her enabler best friend (who has had her own A, is a recovering alcoholic, and has a ton of other issues) that told me that people with addictions many times just CAN'T help themselves at all. They need help. But it is the helpers that have to decide how much they can take. Are they willing to let the destructive behavior of the addict kill them too? How long do you let a drunk take the keys to the car...and watch it happen? They are going to kill someone. (My wife is not an alcoholic - in case you are wondering.)

She is not literally going to kill anyone with this addiction, but she has already killed the spirits and outlook of 2 Betrayed Spouses, 2 kids from OM/OMW's marriage, and is 6 days away from killing the spirits of our three kids. Include the screwed up lives of my W and OM, and that makes NINE lives that are directly impacted by the selfish A. Don't get me going about extended family, friends, etc. The damage is huge.

So, I can't let her crush my soul, spirit, and heart anymore. She had a choice. I tried to get the 'keys' away from her and help her realize she was going to destroy so many people, but she is her own worst enemy and doesn't even know it.

Just venting here - good to type it out. I will be JUST FINE. My friends and even my IC and tell me I am a 'catch' and deserve better so I am going to go through the rest of my day today with that in mind.

[Hope4us]

Hang in there DMB. Don't know what else I can say. I feel your pain. I'm having a kind of down day also, but I got a note from a co-worker a couple of days ago and part of his note has helped me the last few days. I'll share it with everyone here who needs a lift.

It's from the book of Galatians, 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up".

Keep your chin up. I know I, and everyone here on this forum, will be able to look themselves in the mirror and LIKE what they see looking back at them. I'm pretty sure the waywards do not get that same feeling.

[Doing_My_Best]

if we do not give up

THIS is my stuggle H4U. Am I NOT being strong by saying I have a limit? Am I the one who is giving up? I have fought so hard for so long, without a single ounce of effort from WW. How much longer could I, or can I, put up with the cheating? I need only remind myself that she just got a secret affair phone, and that she continues to talk to OM. I just can't live with that kind of behavior.

Just got myself a cup of coffee (as I live on the stuff these days. ) Feeling better just getting up and taking that walk down the street.

I have some GOOOOOOD friends that are here for me, and have been from the beginning. I am fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life.

Thanks for the support Puppy, H4u, and ALL OF you--- you are helping so much.

[Hope4us]

I don't think you are giving up. It is your wife who is giving up and she will definitely NOT reap the harvest of her ways. Yo are standing for your family. There is honor in that. You are stating your boundaries, and if your wife can not or will not live within your boundaries, so be it.

I don't read that bible verse thinking of whether or not I'm giving up on my marriage. I read it more as how I am when it comes to living my life. Even the bible sanctions divorce where one of the parties has committed adultery. No one will judge you for that if that is what it comes to.