Affair is over and WW is responding

[Snow White]

but correct me if I'm wrong, part of being an attractive mate is being able to provide for your spouse, so if she see's the reality of the situation maybe she'll find me more attractive since I can provide her a pretty decent standard of living.

I only speak for myself, but while it would be nice if my H made more money, him providing money for me has never been an issue or something I expected from him, it may be a little bit archaic to think that way. We have always shared our accounts. I do make more than my spouse and this has never been a concern of mine either.

My father made significantly more than my mother and although they have been married for over 45 years i do know that she is/was very resentful of the fact that he pointed out that he was the provider quite often and she felt it belittled her and her contribution to the household.

[Hope4us]

Interesting comments Ladies. Something to think about.

I re-read my last post and I can see where it would look like I control her spending etc, but that's really not the case.

WW makes good money. I make about double what she does. We've always had just a joint account as I've always felt that what's mine is hers and vice versa. When we first got together I asked her if she wanted to keep separate accounts and just split what bills we were going to pay and she told me she didn't want to deal with money, she would just let me handle all the finances and if she wanted/needed something she would just ask if we had the $$ for it before she spent. Early in our marriage that was probably more critical as we were just starting out and I wasn't making near the money I am now.

I'll say again. I've never said to WW that she couldn't spend money. Most times she would ask "I'm going shopping, what's my budget" and I always replied "Buy what you want". And she is good at shopping. But that was always ok because I'd rather she spent the money on herself and the kids and not me. I don't like spending money on myself but love it when she spends it on herself and the kids.

But I think one time during her affair may be where this is coming from. When we relocated for work WW went from working full time to part time. And our house payment went up $500/month and we have a son in College and bought a LOT of new stuff for the house so money wasn't as free as it had been before the move and her affair started.

But in one period 3 week period WW had spent probably $1100 on new clothes (not counting the ~$700 at Victoria's Secret for affair clothes). Again, I didn't have a problem with that. She was losing weight, she wasn't heavy before, but OM had made a comment to WW that his W had put on 10 lbs or so the last year so WW was on the starvation diet so she would look better for OM, so she did need some new clothes that fit. Anyway, my brother and SIL came to visit and WW and SIL went shopping. She had said she knew she had spent a lot on clothes lately so she wasn't going to buy anything this trip and I told her that was probably good because we had tuition to pay for our son soon and we needed to watch it for a few months. That night she came home with another $350 or so of new clothes and I lost my cool and pointed out to her that even though we have a good standard of living, we're not made of money and with her hours being cut and the bigger house and all the new stuff and college it was not the best decision.

That is the only time I've ever said anything to her about spending money. ONLY TIME. But I'm sure she went to work the next Monday and told OM how terrible I was to her and he propped her up telling her she earned money too and I couldn't tell her how to spend her money etc. Funny thing is, OM sends his check home and his wife takes care of all the finances and gives him an allowance because he blows money like it's water.

Ok, that all being said, Am I being a little caveman? I can see how WW would feel like she isn't controlling any of her money if she feels like she has to ask me everytime she wants to buy something, but again my answer virtually every time is "I don't care". So help me ladies, Is it wrong if I'm not sure what her motivation is to wanting a separate account to ask her to contribute her share to the "family" expenses? The thing that concerns me that this is more than just wanting her own spending money is that she wants her check deposited into "her" account and then she would just transfer $$ for the bills to our joint acct. That way she would not have to contribute anything to the family expenses and she could keep any OT etc she makes without helping the "family" out. And that to me sounds like she's setting it up for her exit. And if that's what she thinks she wants to do at this time, I'd like her to see the reality of what life would be like if she did leave, hence my thinking that she should contribute her fair share of the "family" expenses.

I guarantee you this whole conversation wouldn't be happening if she would say she wants to commit to the marriage but still wants her own account. I would be more than willing to cover all the "family" expenses if that was the case. But if she's not committed yet and is setting up her exit, I have to protect myself also because if she does leave, in Ohio it doesn't matter who is determined to be at fault, I'm going to get nailed with spousal support for 8-10 years after a divorce.

[Snow White]

Guess what in Ontario where i live spousal support is for the rest of your life,(unless your spouse lives common law or gets remarried). which I guess sucks if you just hate each other but is good in sitches like most of ours where if H or W leaves they are on their way to OP.

I don't think it is unrealistic for you to be concerned about this change in how she wants to do the finances especially given what you already know. Of course your thoughts are why now? My H has been discussing money a lot lately too - and we don;t have a lot to spare. It concerns me because he was never interested before. And like you I do not believe he has an understanding of how his lifestyle would change if he were not to have my income anymore(although he continues to joke about collecting spousal support from me). However, I would not like the idea of him staying with me because he feared his own financial stability.

My only comment was that a H role is to provide for his W that I think was a bit harsh. That being said I am sure you are not the only person to have thought this way, man or woman.

[Hope4us]

I'm not really old fashioned. Heck, I wish WW was a VP somewhere and then I could fish and hunt all day!

I guess I was asking based on some comments I've heard from a few women I know. They said they are all for equality between men and women, but deep down inside, they WANT a man who will take care of them, protect them, make them safe and secure. And WW even told me after I got the ILYBINILWY speech that I'm a good provider, good dad, help around the house more than my share, make her feel safe, make her feel comfortable. But OM was hitting a need I wasn't. I'm doing my best to work on that (I was very wrapped up in work and traveling a lot so I wasn't there when she needed me). I don't want her to stay strictly for the money, but to be honest, isn't a nice standard of living an emotional need for some people? I would assume it is for WW. She grew up in a fairly well off family and LIKES nice stuff and our multiple vacations a year, our timeshares in Fla, our nice house on the hill, etc.

BTW Neecy, I didn't take your (or Sara's) comments negatively. I like a womans point of view so I understand where I've been missing filling my WW's needs. And in Ohio, spousal support usually only lasts for one year for every 3 of the marriage or until the person receiving the support marries or shacks up with OP.

[Snow White]

wait, I changed my mind, I'D LIKE A TIMESHARE IN FLORIDA!

In ontario spousal support is 2% of the difference in salary for every year(for me 7 years so 14%) you cohabitated for eternity.

[Hope4us]

I've got a reservation for the Food and Wine Festival at Disney (where our timeshares are) so if WW decides that she doesn't want to go, What are you doing in Oct?

[Hope4us]

Just kidding.....I think....

[Snow White]

well oct is my birthday and disney is my favourite place(there and Rich/Ralph Wilson Stadium). I'm kidding too, but October is a long way away!


I cannot believe that is where your timeshare is.
We stay at the wilderness lodge, was just there in Feb, awful vacation H texted and called ow from it.

[Hope4us]

We have timeshares at the Boardwalk and Saratoga Springs. BW is our favorite. Also stayed at Old Key West on our timeshare (and Beach Club on the timeshare and French Qtr, Animal Kingdom Lodge, Ft Wilderness Cabins, which are not on our timeshare), which is where I think we're staying in Aug when we take the kids.

We're kind of pathetic Disney freaks. Before her affair we would go at least 3 times a year and sometimes more. Our record is 6 times in 15 months.

Oct 19-24, one bedroom villa at the Boardwalk. Mark your calendar

[Snow White]

wow that is a lot,

we do not have that much exta $, we went on our honeymoon, this year and 2 years ago. We looked at buying a timeshare on our honeymoon and had every intention of doing it but arrived home 2 days before Sept 11 and it kind of scared us off, that and all of a sudden there was a 60% exchange rate.

I will mark in on the calendar, and you make sure there is a pull out couch, since we will both be celebrating our successful M's by that point.