It seems, though, the most important lesson I've learned after almost two decades is to accept the person you are married to, and don't try to change them.
Don't always need to change them, or yourself.
Seems to work better if you change what happens in the relationship.
Don't know if we cross-posted here, or if you're waiting till later to answer my last post to you!!
JJ
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I'm seeing a big imbalance here. When were the times that the 2 of you were more connected on both an emotional, and a physical, level?
We have discussed this over the years, and we both agree that when we go on vacation, we really connect. We both love to travel and explore new places, we have no worries about cooking, cleaning, bills, kids' homework, work stress, etc. And we have great sex, usually twice or more each week. I'd go for twice a night, but I am ecstatic about twice a week.
The glow will last for a week or two after the vacation. Then it's back to our normal patterns.
Quoting WhyNotCheat: We have discussed this over the years, and we both agree that when we go on vacation, we really connect. We both love to travel and explore new places, we have no worries about cooking, cleaning, bills, kids' homework, work stress, etc. And we have great sex, usually twice or more each week. I'd go for twice a night, but I am ecstatic about twice a week.
The glow will last for a week or two after the vacation. Then it's back to our normal patterns.
Well hell, dude! We got your problem solved right here!
Just go on a vacation every other week!
Well, ok, you probably can't work that out, so let's explore this a bit.
we have no worries about cooking, cleaning, bills, kids' homework, work stress, etc.
Any way to relieve these worries while you're not on vacation? Would your finances allow you to hire a sitter, maybe a house-keeper for a night or two a week? Would the school be able to help provide a tutor to help with the homework? Maybe a college student?
Prepare meals ahead of time for the week, so you can just pop them in the oven and be done? Maybe share the cooking responsibilities? Not "you one night, and her the next", but both working in the kitchen together? Spend some time together, and cut the work in half, both at the same time?
How can you work "together" to help relieve the stress of the everyday stuff? How can you both get things done together, save some time, and be able to take some little "mini-vacations" together?
How about doing some traveling over the internet? Spend some time surfing the sites for places you want to go on your next real vacation?
What things can you two do to help relieve the burdens of everyday life, and take yourselves to the place where you're at when you're on "vacation"? The place where you can really enjoy each other, and connect again? Even if for only an hour or two at a time?
JJ
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I think JJ has pointed out something very important that has sorta slipped by you:
Quoting Jamesjohn: Don't always need to change them, or yourself.
Seems to work better if you change what happens in the relationship.
To me, this is what DBing is all about. You don't have to change yourself. You don't have to change your SO.
You change your RELATIONSHIP.
The way you change your relationship depends on your SO's willingness to participate. If s/he is a willing participant, then you work together. If s/he is not willing to work on things, you can still change your R by changing your input into it.
When you do that, you change your SO's perception and that changes his/her side of things too.
You are doing this by having an A. Very logical.
But not right! Moral issues aside, you are doing this behind your W's back. In purely practical terms, do you have a plan for when she finds out?
But not right! Moral issues aside, you are doing this behind your W's back. In purely practical terms, do you have a plan for when she finds out?
I have no control over her reaction, and I'm sure she would experience a whole spectrum of conflicting emotions. But as for my part, I would end the affair. That had already been mutually agreed on before the affair went to the physical stage. I assume my wife would lose all trust in me, but I would respond by being as open and honest about everything as she is willing to take. Has she noticed I am more relaxed, more happy, a bit more alive lately? Is she willing to make the effort to deal with my sexual needs, in order to have a happier husband? The other choices are divorce, or simply don't-ask don't-tell. My honest feeling is that sex, if not important to the marriage, can be handled like fishing, stamp-collecting, or other hobbies that meet personal needs not addressed in the relationship.
But I'm also considering seeing a counselor on my own, because I recognize I'm not the best judge of things right now.
I have no control over her reaction, and I'm sure she would experience a whole spectrum of conflicting emotions. But as for my part, I would end the affair. That had already been mutually agreed on before the affair went to the physical stage. I assume my wife would lose all trust in me, but I would respond by being as open and honest about everything as she is willing to take.
Sounds like you have this pretty well thought out. You're not going into this blindly, and understand what some of the consequences might be.
It also sounds like you're really desparate for a change in your marriage, and having an affair is one way to make this happen, that's for sure! However, it's a way that has some ends that could get way out of hand, and beyond all control.
You say that you would end the affair if your wife found out. It sounds like a BIG part of you does want your marriage to succeed, but are just really frustrated, and see no other path to take. By coming here to this board, it seems like you are willing to explore other ways to make these changes happen, and maybe try to find a different path.
I think this is good! Stick around, and keep reading and posting!!
But I'm also considering seeing a counselor on my own, because I recognize I'm not the best judge of things right now.
Not a bad idea at all. DO be careful about choosing a C, however. There are a lot of C's out there that might steer you in the "easy" direction, and not present to you all the options that are available to you. Some of these paths might seem to be easier at first, but may have a lot of devastating effects in the long run.
Contact Michele's office to see if there is anyone in your area she might suggest, or set up a phone consult with one of her people.
Become an informed consumer, so you can make the best decision that you can regarding your future!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
The advice that JJ posted is the best you'll ever get. Why I say that, I was in the same position as you...literally and now, even though I am still separated and getting my M back on track, the sex I had with my W prior was as unsatisfying as what you have been getting, and now, the sex I'm having with my W is as good as you are getting with OW.
You need your Beginners Mind at the moment (hope you've read DR) and the rich resource of advice is right here. Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
An unexpected turn last night, I am still a bit confused. Friday night, kids were with friends, and my wife hints that we should go to bed early. I can't remember the last time she initiated; the thought briefly visits that she suspects something. But no, that's not it. She's just inexplicably in the mood. Most likely due to my newly improved attitude.
Hey, I could really get used to this. But something happened that has never, ever happened to me before. Before reaching climax, the wind just went out of my sails. So now I look like mister low-drive and my wife wants to keep going. Instead we just snuggle and talk, and it was all very sweet and nice. But this came at me from left field and I'm still trying to figure it all out.
The burning lust I felt just a day ago is pretty much gone. It doesn't feel like a loss, though, it kind of feels like a relief. Oh, too weird. I've got some thinking to do still.
What have the two of you been doing the past couple of days? In what ways are your interactions together different that might have been a factor in this?
How have you been treating her? Not talking about "attitudes" here, but what are some of your specific "actions" that are different lately then they may have been before?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
