Affair is over and WW is responding

[Hope4us]

Interesting comments Ladies. Something to think about.

I re-read my last post and I can see where it would look like I control her spending etc, but that's really not the case.

WW makes good money. I make about double what she does. We've always had just a joint account as I've always felt that what's mine is hers and vice versa. When we first got together I asked her if she wanted to keep separate accounts and just split what bills we were going to pay and she told me she didn't want to deal with money, she would just let me handle all the finances and if she wanted/needed something she would just ask if we had the $$ for it before she spent. Early in our marriage that was probably more critical as we were just starting out and I wasn't making near the money I am now.

I'll say again. I've never said to WW that she couldn't spend money. Most times she would ask "I'm going shopping, what's my budget" and I always replied "Buy what you want". And she is good at shopping. But that was always ok because I'd rather she spent the money on herself and the kids and not me. I don't like spending money on myself but love it when she spends it on herself and the kids.

But I think one time during her affair may be where this is coming from. When we relocated for work WW went from working full time to part time. And our house payment went up $500/month and we have a son in College and bought a LOT of new stuff for the house so money wasn't as free as it had been before the move and her affair started.

But in one period 3 week period WW had spent probably $1100 on new clothes (not counting the ~$700 at Victoria's Secret for affair clothes). Again, I didn't have a problem with that. She was losing weight, she wasn't heavy before, but OM had made a comment to WW that his W had put on 10 lbs or so the last year so WW was on the starvation diet so she would look better for OM, so she did need some new clothes that fit. Anyway, my brother and SIL came to visit and WW and SIL went shopping. She had said she knew she had spent a lot on clothes lately so she wasn't going to buy anything this trip and I told her that was probably good because we had tuition to pay for our son soon and we needed to watch it for a few months. That night she came home with another $350 or so of new clothes and I lost my cool and pointed out to her that even though we have a good standard of living, we're not made of money and with her hours being cut and the bigger house and all the new stuff and college it was not the best decision.

That is the only time I've ever said anything to her about spending money. ONLY TIME. But I'm sure she went to work the next Monday and told OM how terrible I was to her and he propped her up telling her she earned money too and I couldn't tell her how to spend her money etc. Funny thing is, OM sends his check home and his wife takes care of all the finances and gives him an allowance because he blows money like it's water.

Ok, that all being said, Am I being a little caveman? I can see how WW would feel like she isn't controlling any of her money if she feels like she has to ask me everytime she wants to buy something, but again my answer virtually every time is "I don't care". So help me ladies, Is it wrong if I'm not sure what her motivation is to wanting a separate account to ask her to contribute her share to the "family" expenses? The thing that concerns me that this is more than just wanting her own spending money is that she wants her check deposited into "her" account and then she would just transfer $$ for the bills to our joint acct. That way she would not have to contribute anything to the family expenses and she could keep any OT etc she makes without helping the "family" out. And that to me sounds like she's setting it up for her exit. And if that's what she thinks she wants to do at this time, I'd like her to see the reality of what life would be like if she did leave, hence my thinking that she should contribute her fair share of the "family" expenses.

I guarantee you this whole conversation wouldn't be happening if she would say she wants to commit to the marriage but still wants her own account. I would be more than willing to cover all the "family" expenses if that was the case. But if she's not committed yet and is setting up her exit, I have to protect myself also because if she does leave, in Ohio it doesn't matter who is determined to be at fault, I'm going to get nailed with spousal support for 8-10 years after a divorce.