Already had my bawling episode but still feeling a little stressed (it's also that time of the month).
I've been more comfortable around H lately and things have been seemingly more normal between us. I've let my guard down and am more open, and he seems to be more like himself lately. I sense he's bored - a lot of new purchases, frequently going out with friends, without ogre. He called me today after I messaged him about a financial issue (it involves my FIL, who I feel has been less than welcoming to me and my boys lately - but we don't see him often). I was feeling emotional but kept the conversation businesslike, speaking slowly to hide my emotions the best I could, but he's known me long enough to hear it in my voice. He did try to reassure me so I wouldn't worry, but afterwards, all I could think about was how he pushes everything off to someone else: work, responsibilities, blame, and now his family.
I was stressed about the financial situation, but the real reason I was emotional was because as I was stressing about it, I looked out the window and saw what my devout friend recently described to me as 'open heaven' - a clear opening in a clouded sky where the sun shines through brightly, with defined streaks of sunshine beaming down. A really brilliant sight. To be honest, I wasn't paying close attention when my friend explained the symbolism. But it was a divine sign to me that things would be ok - a sign that I desperately needed. A minute or 2 later, it was gone.
Later on, I met with my friends. As we were saying goodbye, a close friend whose H is close to my H, told me the H's recently had lunch together and my H told him that he and ogre have broken up several times but they're back together now. Other than prove my point to myself that they are not in a happy R, it doesn't have much effect on me because H didn't try to come back to me those times. Also, H hasn't done the work on himself and isn't anywhere near being a better person. Although, with all the spending and going out he's doing lately, I can't help but to wonder if he's going through replay again.
I think I've figured out a temporary solution to the financial issue. It will mean me using up a large sum of my savings, but in weighing the pros and cons, I'd rather feel that I'm taking action and being responsible for myself, rather than allow my FIL to believe I'm some kind of ungrateful leech. It's difficult for me because MIL is so nice and constantly tells me not to worry, buys me gifts and gives me extra money. She goes out of town, FIL comes back for a few days, and my world is shaken up again.
