Oh RTL.. she has been putting you through the wringer as of late. I am so sorry to hear this... and I'm sure she is but a shadow (if that) of the person that you married. Someone must be in deep, deep, deep emotional or mental distress to treat someone they formerly loved and their innocent child the way your wife is treating you and your daughter. I'm glad that everything went well with the evaluator.. Seems like he is a seasoned pro so I imagine he's seen a lot of this horrible behaviour before.
I'm glad your wife is contacting you about seeing your D on Thursday and Friday.. that will be a nice way to end off your Spring Break week. But as you mentioned keep yourself braced for her next offensive tackle!
I have no experience with things like this but my guess is being as honest as possible (with the evaluator)is the only way to handle it. Once again, you sound very focused and in control. Keep it this way, don't let her craziness affect you. Your prize now is a good R with your D and time with her. Pretty special prize.
You are doing a good job, good luck with the test!
Thanks for the encouragement. The test should be a bunch of fun. I'm told I just have to concentrate on answering the test as honestly as I can w/ how I feel at that moment. The test is supposed to be very, very good at picking up dishonesty and personality types, so if you try to answer in a way you think the analyst wants you to w/out being truthful, it is very good at picking that up.
However, after 2 straight hours of T/F questions, I may be taking myself out for dinner and a beer or 11. It will be a draining afternoon, but I'm anxious to take it but will be glad to get it out of the way at the same time.
W only responded to my e-mail about picking up D tomorrow and returning her on Saturday, but nothing about the furniture, taxes, moving and the realtor. I've placed a call to the realtor I know, but haven't heard back.
I'd really like to keep the exercise bike to help me keep in shape as my knee is still only about 85%, but if I look at her list and she is willing to just take the bike, the recliner, three bookshelves and leave me w/ everything else, then I'd have an entire house outfitted and only need to pick up another bike or treadmill for myself. Also, if/when I move, I may be renting in a community that has a good fitness center, so that would get rid of the need for my own cardio equipment. I'm mulling it over, but if that is all she wants, then I'd probably be better off going for it. However, I'm also ok w/ letting her stew about it for a bit before I agree.
I'm continuing to sort through the financial documents I will be turning over on Friday. I'm sure there is more I'll need to copy, but I'm already in $400, so I hope there isn't too much more. I'm also hoping we can get her to pick up 1/2 the tab, which only seems fair.
I told him some very personal things and he thanked me at the end for being honest and forthright w/ my information. I also told him he is free to look at all my counseling records and I had told my counselor that he'd be contacting him soon. I think he likes the fact that I'm not trying to BS him or hide anything. Again, I don't think W can say the same thing.
Great job RTL! It is always best to be perfectly candid in a situation like this. You won't have to worry about any "surprises" later.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I wonder if her session yesterday w/ the parenting evaluator shook her up a bit or at least let her know that 50/50 is a very realistic option for her to have to deal with in the near future. However, I'm still bracing for the "smoking gun" she thinks she has on me. I don't have a clue what it could be, but I'm pretty sure she'll be trying something since her last desperate measure didn't pan out.
At some point, you might want to stand up for yourself legally--play some hard ball in order to set and enforce some boundaries.
Well, I took the 567 True/False test today, as well as a parenting test and I'm glad they are over, but I'm nervous to know how I came out.
The questions were weird and there were times when I couldn't understand what they were asking. I found myself saying "do they mean all the time or just once?" There was one statement that said "I think people are conspiring against me." I had to answer this as True because my W is conspiring against me. However, I'm not sure if it makes me seem like a loon or something. In any event, I did my best to tell the truth and we'll have to see how things shake out.
The second test was much shorter, but still nerve wracking. It had questions like "name the 4 food groups and give an example of each" and "list three things you do when your child is sick before you call the doctor" and "what is the mineral that promotes bone growth and where do you find it." I think I answered these correctly, but they still made me nervous.
They then had scenarios for me to fill in and asked my thoughts on grounding, discipline, etc. There was a section where I had to list the age where a baby sits up, begins to crawl, talk, walk, what age could someone be allowed to be in the neighborhood unsupervised, babysit, etc. Lastly, there was a section where I had to complete sentences. They'd say things like "Because of my dad..." and I'd fill it in. This too was tough to do, but I went w/ what first came to my mind and left it at that.
I didn't like it at all and I can only pray that I represented myself well. My next meeting w/ the parenting evaluator will be w/ me and D. I'm looking forward to that one b/c it will give me a chance to show my relationship w/ my D to a non-biased source.
After I took the tests, I came home and met a realtor to discuss our options for selling the house. Needless to say, they aren't too good. If we look to sell quickly, we'll break even and not much more. Maybe we'd each put $5K in our pockets. We can try and hold out and up that figure to $15K-$20K each, but that would mean having it on the market for a good 6+ months or more. I'm going to get two more realtors to come by and give me an opinion, but I'm suggesting to W that we rent it for a year and see if the market comes back up. If it does, then we can look to sell next spring/summer and recoup some of our losses. However, I'm not sure what W will say to this b/c it would mean she'd be obligated to help pay the equity line down on the house for a year or so. However, if she wants her "buyout" I can cut her a check for $10K and then take over the property myself.
I'm not sure what I'll do, but I need to get some other opinions on the property before we look to do anything. In any event, W won't be happy with this one and I'm sure she'll look to blame me for causing the national real estate market to spiral downward.
I called D at 730 tonight and she simply said "I love you. Bye" then W hung up the phone. I wanted to talk longer w/ her, but I'll pick her up tomorrow morning and get to see her for two and a half days. I'm pretty excited about that.
Ok, I'm going to go eat, finish filing the copies I just made (which I hope are the last I'll need to do) and then get a glass of wine and wind down a bit.
I have found you again. I can not begin to express how awful I feel about what you have been having to work through. But you have stood through this courageously and valiantly my friend.
Everybody is being shaken up by this and it is truly sad.
It all comes back to one resounding statement which I fondly recall from Grace "Daddy, you're my favorite hero", I believe is what it was.
As I recall that line it nearly brings a tear to my eye for you and how tall you have stood in the face of a sh*% storm.
Man, you are her hero. And you are showing everybody why she see's you as that "hero" each & every day.
God bless you & your continued efforts at getting what is right for you, Grace & maybe even your "ill" W.
I'll be praying and will stay informed now that I tracked you down again. Good night.
I am sure you did just fine on the test and evaluation. Just remember that your W has to go through the same grinder.
As for the house, it all depends upon how attached you are to it. For you, it may bring sad memories and you might want to start somewhere new. I am buying my W out of her part. I had an appraiser come out last week. From this, I just need to calculate what it was worth when W and I got married and pay for her share in the increase of value. I owned my house 5 years before I married W.
I hope I did well. I guess I just hope I answered things truthfully. I know W will have to do it too and I'm not sure what will come out of her test. I'm finished w/ it, which is at least good.
As for the house, I'm a bit depressed by the whole thing. The market in our neighborhood has absolutely crashed. There are so many forclosures available, that we can't compete. The house has lost at least $100K in value since 95-96 because of all this mortgage crap. It is a very bad place to be a home owner right now.
I'd love to sell and move on, but I don't think I can at the current market. I'm piling up debt w/ this D, and if I sell the house, I'll need for it to help pay off some of my bills so I can avoid declaring bankruptcy. However, if I have to go bankrupt to get my D, I will. There are many ways to restore my credit and 7 years isn't that long in the big picture.
I'm hoping to talk W into renting it out for a year to allow the market to improve. We gain 10K people a month to Phoenix while losing only 4K, so there are bodies around to buy. The key is to get the surplus of homes off the market. Experts in the area predict the market will bottom out and begin to rise by late this year, early next, so I'm leaning toward their analysis of the situation for now.
If W wants me to buy her out immediately, I'll do that, but she won't be making too much as the buy out price would be determined on what we can get for the house today minus what we owe. I'll do it if that is truly what she wants as it will be a benefit for me b/c I'm pretty sure I can rent this place for enough to cover the mortgage and the equity line payments. As usual, we'll see what she has to say.
As for now, I'm getting in the shower to go pick up my D. I think we may do breakfast then the zoo. Not sure as I'll have to see what she's interested in doing, but we'll do something for sure.
Update... I picked up D this morning and we had breakfast and then stopped to look at an apartment complex that would basically be 1/2 way inbetween my job and W's. W texts me and asks if I had D so I replied yes. I also told her I had spoken w/ a real estate broker and his news was worse than the agent's on the house. W didn't respond to this one.
When D and I got home there was an e-mail from W wondering why I am looking for a quick sale of the house -- WTF? She demanded it to go up and be sold "as is" on Sunday. She also said that she wouldn't be paying off the mutual debt b/c it was all my fault that we have debt and that it would be amazing if we were to break even on the house b/c of everything I've done. She accused me of taking our money and not actually spending it on items. I really believe she feels I have some account somewhere where I'm stashing money or I have a closet cocaine, gambling, or prostitution habit. It is truly amazing.
I did reply telling her I looked at the possiblity of a quick sale on her request and that I had to turn over the financial copies to my L and I'll be seeing him tomorrow.
We exchanged a few simple e-mails talking about items in the house and W even put together a chart showing what each of us was claiming and what we still needed to decide on going forward. In that e-mail, W was nice and even asked for my feedback.
Well, I took D swimming -- she loved it -- we came back, hung out (I really thought she was going to crash b/c she swam so hard, but she didn't), played w/ her stuffed animals a bit (she was the teacher and they, plus me, were her students), and then got ready to head to the store to buy steaks to eat.
Right before we left, W sent a scathing e-mail claiming I was keeping the financial records from her just to be difficult and not only had I not given D 1/2 her books, toys, and movies, but I was denying her access to her furniture and holding it "hostage." This is crazy b/c I offered to bring her stuff to her this week when I was off -- even said I'd meet her in a neutral place so I wouldn't see her apartment complex -- and agreed to her proposal of hiring movers.
Anyway, she ended that e-mail, which got NO response from me, w/ this:
Quote:
At any rate, as far as the roof goes, I fail to see how going 15K further in debt is gonna help us to clear more money on the sell of the house. I am pretty sure "we" have enough debt as it is.
Ok, she is clueless about the cost to reroof the house for one thing, and the second thing that is lunacy is she was w/ me all the way on our purchases, so it is her debt as well. She keeps saying her "friends" look at our finances and say I've screwed them up and have to be hiding money somewhere. Well, her "friends" is actually just the OM. He is doing a great job at fueling her fire against me right now.
I can only hope the DB books are right and this affair will follow the statistics where about 80% of all affairs end w/in 6 months. As long as she has OM whispering negatives in her ear about me, there is ZERO chance W to treat me civilly, let alone have me somehow save this marriage.
I can only hope "the Snake" reverts to his true form and finds another co-ed to sleep w/ and finds her soon.
Well, D and I had a nice steak dinner and a pleasant end to our evening. That has helped to make this easier to take. However, I have to admit, I'm completely heartbroken by how I'm being painted and portrayed by W.
I still love her, but I'm beginning to feel as if I really am Don Quixote and I'll never figure out the windmill won't come down. I feel foolish for still wanting her back. I wish I didn't love her. That would make it easier if I was just as angry and bitter as she is.
However, at the end of the day, I know I can't travel down that road. Not now. Not ever. It will only destroy me in the long run. It is tempting though b/c the pain I'm feeling in the short run feels as if it will never stop and it too will destroy me.
I have to fight on. As my dear friend SPM always says, I have no choice but to "be the man." I have to show W that I am "the man."
It is hard, but it is my fate. I'm still supposed to learn something, so it isn't time to throw in the towel. It just feels like it is today.
