It is amazing to me that you H seems so cold to you after all these years together. I can't imagine that he is a happy person. Really, I can't.
This is exactly what makes absolutely no sense to me at all. It's like he doesn't see me at all. It is quite a blow to see someone who used to be so caring and loving to me turn into someone who looks at with me such disdain. I really just don't get it and I probably never will.
Well, H is coming over to pick up S early today so he and I can talk and hopefully come to some resolution. One of my very best friends is coming over this morning to talk to me, I need his shoulder right now. A brief recap of our history... Let's call him JB...I've know JB for 20+ years, since grade 7. We've been through a LOT together and I met H through his little brother. JB's little brother...RB, is H's best friend (was best man at our wedding). JB was also a groomsmen. JB's wife "LB" and I grew closer and closer and have been best friends for many years now too. She was my maid of honour. JB & LB have 2 children exactly the same age as mine (a 2 yr old born 2 weeks before D and a 6 month old). I want his opinion both as my best friend, but also as a Dad of kids the same age. He is still friends with H...sort of. They're more like aquaintances now as H pushed him away over the last year too...mostly because H knew that JB has a loyalty to me. But it's awkward with RB being H's best friend. He's coming over this morning for a coffee so I'm looking forward to the chat and just thinking out loud with him.
I'm hoping this will help me get my thoughts straight for when H comes this afternoon. I'm so torn about what is right for my kids and what is killing me inside to do. I only want to do the right thing.
The last day or so I've felt a little sad again. I really do miss our life. But I don't feel this sadness like I used to. There was a time whenever I felt that sadness where I felt that the only answer to this whole thing was for H to come home. But now the sadness comes with acceptance. Makes it just a little sadder, but it does help it to go away sooner so I can focus on what is necessary.
The book I've been reading is REALLY changing my life. It is really forcing me to look within myself and focus on the very moment I am living.
Anyway, I'll be back later to post on how my conversations go. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
