Maybe "the person your H wants to be with" is something less, not something more.Puppy
You may be right, I can do less - although I'm pretty certain he wouldn't be to thrilled if i cut back on the cooking and cleaning, I think he likes having me get him things and pamper him.
I don't think I can be less, I cannot be less educated, less friendly, less caring, less loyal, less successful at work(unless I quit). And I think these may be the issues. And to be any less of any of these things may be a disservice to myself.
Again, just in a mood today, I will not be stopping or changing any of the efforts I am putting forward.
Quote:
Oh you wouldn't know a diamond, If you held it in your hand . . . -- Steely Dan
This just made me teary at work!
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, I think there's a difference between doing those things because YOU want to do them, and because you genuinely want to please him, rather than doing them because you either FEAR him or you fear LOSING him.
I had to learn that it was okay to LOVE my wife, but not okay to NEED her. Nobody wants a needy person.
Yes, do everything to the best of your ability, and for yourself, and to glorify God, if you're so inclined. But don't do it for your HUSBAND. The only thing you are commanded to do is love and respect unconditionally. Everything else must be EARNED, and I don't think he's earned much more than that (in fact, he's lucky to get even "love and respect"!!)
Pleased to say I'm in a better mood today, so far anyways. Nothing is different except I am just not feeling so annoyed about it.
GF - thanks for the hugs and the constant support, you amaze me and I appreciate everything you bring to my sitch because i feel you and I are very similar - well correction I am very similar to the way you were prior to your GAL and being able to "correct" some of the behaviours that may have effected your sitch.
Puppy - the only thing that I do out of fear at this point is bite my tongue, and this isn't probably a bad thing, I have always said every single thing on my mind, which may be a lot too much. As far as loving vs. needing. It is interesting because in all my disecting of why this happened I have reasoned that his attraction to the OW was that she "needed" him and I did not necessairily. But I guess the difference is her needing his advice, guidance, ear, as opposed to me needing his love.
lwb- thanks for stopping in, and for the support, I AM doing the best I can, and really things are not entirely bad, my H comes home every night and for the most part is pleasant to be around, the biggest complaint is that he is not as funny as he thinks he is, and the inability to state that he is committed to the M, this just makes me so uncertain that I get off track sometimes.
Lodo - no pink wine today, I got in trouble! - whatever! Slo-pitch in a month or so, you said it was a good idea for you too, I think it might be a long drive ;-)
Wearing a dress and heels today, doing a lot for my PMA, I am sure H will question who I'm wearing it for, hmm..... ME!
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, I'm in the same boat as you (or pretty close to it). WW is still at home, but in my case I'm pretty sure the affair is over and they are no longer in contact, but my WW still hasn't committed to the marriage although recently there have been encouraging signs that she may be coming out of the fog of the affair.
It's hard living in limbo land isn't it? I'm just like you. Good days and bad days. Yesterday was good until later in the afternoon and then bad the rest of the night. I woke up at 3:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep because my mind was just racing. But then this morning I called WW on her way to work to warn her that the Deer are out moving and to be careful (I had 3 running next to the road I drive in on. One of the guys who works for me hit one on the way in and had to slam on his brakes to avoid another about 15 minutes later and another guy who works for me had to stop to let 5 deer cross the road in front of him). She was very plesant and thanked me for calling her and told me good by when we hung up. All those things are a big change from a few weeks ago. The biggest problem I have is that my expectations get too high after good interactions.
Just keep your chin up. It will get better one way or another.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
