Finding my way 2

[always_14]

Again......we are shocked at new events in an already old pattern.

Expecting appropriatness, decency and manners from two people who have gone the other way for so long.

OW pushes herself in an inappropriate way in your kids, in awful situation....what would stop her from doing it at a funeral?

Your STBX goes along like he has no brain, when it comes to his own kids. What makes you think he will stop for a funeral?

Can't forget the incredible "first meeting" with the girls, and sleeping the SAME BED and then wondering "what did we do to give you the impression we were more than friends, children?"

WHAT????

Someone dying, grief of dear ones, will not stop people who are that self-absorbed.

And, that, exactly, is the difference everyone will see at the funeral. It sticks out more than you give yourself credit.

You have grace, strength, dignity, and respect. You are thinking of others in their time of grief. You are thinking things through about style, appropriateness and what is right. That shows. And, it's what separates you, very distinctly, from that whore.

Let me remind you of the wedding Lissie and I went to with Annie. Remember that?

She walked in with grace, dignity, and strength. EVERYONE saw it. She put herself aside and did what her son needed that day.

That whore Big Gulp looked like an idiot in comparison. We could SEE it. We could HEAR it. She had to leave early. Because Annie was a shining star.

If there is one thing I learned from this whole ordeal in my life.....never underestimate the power of grace, class and strength.

Often, it is the ONLY thing people remember.You can't fake it or buy it for anything in the world.

[Valentine]

Shades, I am so sorry to hear of your friend...I remember you posting about his visit...how sad!

As for the funeral, they do all sorts of inappropriate things. I am sorry that you have to see him and the OW together. I am so glad that your IL's are so nice to you...that is worth so much!

I am so glad your Easter was wonderful! Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

Smooches!
Valentine

[ShadesofGrey]

Thank you Always and Vali.

A lot has happened today. I sometimes think that life will never be normal, or maybe this is normal and I just haven't figured it out yet.

Just before I left the house my MIL called sobbing so much I didn't recognize her voice, I only knew it was her because of the caller id. Apparently my FIL and STBX had a MAJOR blow up on the phone and FIL said everything he has wanted to say for the last year and a half. He told STBX that ow has no place at the funeral or in his (FIL's) life and never will, that she would do well to steer clear of him completely. That I had every right to be at the funeral as I have been friend with the family for the last 20 years and know everyone there and ow knows nobody. That he can't believe that STBX would let this woman run the show, that STBX can't even visit his own children without her coming along. He said he can't imagine what type of woman she is who would put herself in these positions. STBX told FIL that ow is in his life and that it the way it is and everyone is going to have to get used to it. That he is going to Chicago to bury one of his best friends and she is coming with him. He told FIL that he has only $57 dollars to his name and that he has a lot of debt and that the Ls and I want more money from him and he can't do it, that he would have been better off if he had jumped off a bridge and ended it all. He said if he wasn't living with ow he would be on the street and showering at a gym or something. FIL said he had done all of this to himself.

MIL is still sobbing and saying she has asked FIL not to draw the line in the sand for so long and today he did. She is terrified that STBX will never speak to them again. On top of all of this the friend of ours that passed away was actually THEIR friend for the last 40 years or so, so they are heartbroken over his passing as well as all this drama. MIL said she felt really bad but asked me to not go to the funeral as a favor to her because she thinks that FIL and STBX are so volatile right now that my being there might cause a huge to do. I told her that I didn't know what to do. That I love and respect our friend and his wife and family and wanted to be there for them, to pay my respects and give them my love. She said she knows and she will make sure that everyone knows exactly why I'm not there. I told her out of my love for her I will stay home even though I think it is completely unfair and hurts me deeply. You had to hear the panic in her voice, I can't bring myself to break her heart any more than it already has been, and I do love her very much.

So I called my friend today to find out where to send a donation in honor of her H. She asked if I was coming, I told her I was until this morning and I explained the situation. She said "no, no, you listen to me if you want to be here you should, you are just like family to us and XXXX loved you as much as he loved STBX." I told her I know that and that I appreciate it but that my MIL must have a very good reason for asking me not to go since just the day before she was encouraging me to and having me stay with them at the friend's house. That I haven't gotten the entire story yet but I have to trust that it is for a very good reason. That my heart will be with her and her family and that I love them dearly and am very hurt that I was asked not to come. I told her I don't want her to feel that I don't want to be there, that I love them as family too and my heartbreaks that I can't come and no, I don't know if I will be able to live with myself for not coming but I don't want to be the cause of anymore pain. She said she understands but she is not happy with MIL for asking me not to go but will have to get the whole story when there is time. So I hope MIL isn't upset that I called our friend but I needed to.

I told my girls that "Uncle XXX" passed away. Oh my I have never seen them sob like that before. D5 said she would trade her toys and house to have "Uncle XXX" back and D9 said she thought I was going to say STBX was going to M ow and she could have lived with that if only she could have "Uncle XXX" back. I just hugged them and reminded them how much he loved them and that he lived a good life and was a very gracious man. Sweet kids, they have had so much to deal with.

I do have to admit one thing I feel really ashamed of. When STBX called me the other day he started the convo with "are the kids with you?" I said no they were with my mom. He asked for her number so he could say hi. I gave it to him then he told me about our friend. I talked to him about it for a couple of minutes then he made to get off the phone, at which point I asked if he had gotten my message from the day before, he said no. I told him when he had a chance we needed to talk, not right now, but that we needed to work out the support payments for our settlement since he wanted to get it done and I realized what he is offering I can't live off of.

I feel so badly for even bringing it up at the time. In my head I kept thinking "don't say it, don't say it" but it was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I have no one to blame but myself and yes it was poor timing. If he would just call me back once in a while I wouldn't be backed up against the wall to ask him questions. I panicked and I am forever going to regret brooching this topic then. I didn't do it because I was insensative about our friend passing, I loved him very much. I can't even begin to figure out what in the H#LL possessed me to say it. But now I am hating myself for it, it makes me sound self-centered and greedy and that is so far from the truth. I did send him a TM saying that I know he loved XXX like a father and I hope that he is doing alright and I was very sorry. He thanked me for the message. But I feel that I can't ever make up for it. I'm a heal I guess.

I'm finding it very hard to sleep again with all this going on. I hate stress.

Love,
Shades

[tpaschal]

Shades,

I haven't posted to you before, so sorry if I'm sticking my nose in...

It seems to me that the funeral is about celebrating and honoring the life of "Uncle XXX," and being there for his family, NOT about whatever drama may unfold between STBX and the in-laws.

If the family of "Uncle XXX" has expressed a desire for you to be there, and you want to be there for them, then GO.

YOU have done NOTHING wrong. If STBX wants to create unnecessary drama by bringing the OW who didn't even know "Uncle XXX", it's on his head, not yours. He will be the one who is looked at and pitied as a fool, not you. And that will happen whether you are there or not.

Your FIL showed great courage and strength (IMO) in standing up to your STBX by supporting your right to be at the funeral. Your MIL is running scared.

I understand your wish not to cause MIL anymore pain, and you are the only one who can ultimately decide how to handle this and what to do, but....this is what your STBX is choosing, not you.

If a D does become final, would you let your MIL forever dictate what weddings or funerals or baby showers you could or could not attend?

I say again, if the family of "Uncle XXX" has expressed a desire for you to be there, and you want to be there for them, then GO.

This is about the life of "Uncle XXX," about honoring his memory and supporting his family, NOT about whatever drama your STBX is inflicting on everyone else.

Just my 2 cents.

[tpaschal]

I just re-read my previous post, and think it sounds a little harsh or uncaring towards MIL, which wasn't my intention.

Guess I should have added a disclaimer---the reason I feel so strongly about this is because I did NOT go to the funeral of a good friend's father because I knew OW would be there, and I didn't want to cause any problems or discomfort for the grieving family.

However, I now regret not going, and wish that I had been there for my friend.

I do appreciate that you love your MIL and are trying to respect her wishes, but I think that whatever unfolds between your STBX and his parents isn't up to you. Let STBX's and IL's issues be just that---THEIR issues.

I guess the best thing you can do is to prayerfully consider what course of action to take regarding what you need to do for YOU and for your friends so that you won't have regrets later.

[ShadesofGrey]

Thank you tpaschal. I am torn, as you can see.

Yes, the problems between FIL & STBX are that, their problems. And yes, MIL is running scared. My concern is not about seeing H & ow. Don't get me wrong, I have NO desire to meet her but she/they are not what is driving my decision. If STBX had asked or told me not to go I would have told him "screw you". But if I go and some crazy drama unfolds I would feel guilty. If I don't go I feel guilty. I am in a no win situation and it sucks.

Im sorry you still regret not going to your friend's father's funeral. I am afraid I will be in the same boat.

Either way, I would regret going if something happened. Not only for the friend's family but mine as well, as my IL's are my kids' grandparents and I have to have a R with them for the rest of my life. Especially since they live out of the country and STBX live across the country from me and has very little time with the kids. When my IL's want to see the kids they come to visit me. I will regret not going, I have called my friend and explained and I can only pray that I have not hurt her or her family's feelings in trying to respect my IL's. The whole sitch just stinks.

I think that if a little more time had passed between the blowout and a STBX had a little better grasp on everything it would be a different story. STBX is bottoming out in a way and everyonne (me included) are concerned about him. He has messed up EVERYTHING over the last two years. I know that is not my fault and I can't help him fix it, but I don't need to add to it either.

I will plan a trip for me and the kids to go to Chicago this summer and visit our friend on our own. That way the kids get to go and see her too, and let her know, in their own way, just how much they loved "Uncle XXX" too.

I don't feel that I am making the right decision, I feel that it is the best right decision out of two bad ones.

I hate all of this. Really.

Love,
Shades

[MissH]

(((((Shades)))))

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's passing. I know how much you thought of him.

I am also sorry you are torn between a rock an a hard place. I so want to smack your H upside the head because his selfishness is causing all of this. I give a standing ovation to your FIL for saying what was on his mind to him.

As for the ow, she is going to look like the complete idiot being there. She will walk in carrying the title of The OW and she will be frowned upon. Idiot. She will never have the respect that you have.

I will plan a trip for me and the kids to go to Chicago this summer and visit our friend on our own. That way the kids get to go and see her too, and let her know, in their own way, just how much they loved "Uncle XXX" too.

I think this would be a wonderful idea! It's up to you really what you think is best to do for your own sitch. I pray that you find peace with whatever decision you go with.

(((((((hugs))))))))

[tpaschal]

I will plan a trip for me and the kids to go to Chicago this summer and visit our friend on our own. That way the kids get to go and see her too, and let her know, in their own way, just how much they loved "Uncle XXX" too.

I don't feel that I am making the right decision, I feel that it is the best right decision out of two bad ones.

I hate all of this. Really.

Love,
Shades

Shades,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this. And I'm even sorrier if I made a hard decision harder. That was not my intent! It was my own regrets motivating me, and not wanting that for you. But your sitch is different. It IS a Catch-22 "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.

Taking your kids to visit this summer sounds like a great idea for all of you to be able to celebrate the memory of this special friend.

{{{hugs for Shades}}}

[Valentine]

Shades, I am so torn for you...I am in the same boat...MLM's second cousin died and I am the one going to the funeral...not for him but for his cousin's mother...who I am close to and who has prayed for me and MLM to reconcile and I just love her! Even though she is HIS first cousin. I am going to pay MY respects to HIS family. Even if MLM went with my Dragon-in-Law/OW I would STILL go.

Still, this is a tough call for you but you have made a good compromise, I think and I dont blame you for not wanting to add any more firewood to the already flaming inferno that is the drama of your STBX and his parents...

I commend you on your decision! You are a lady as always....

Hugs,
Vali

[ShadesofGrey]

Thanks Mrs, tpaschal and Vali.

I am trying to get through all this crap and still be able to smile sometimes. I haven't heard from my ILs today. Yesterday MIL said she would call today but I do know they have so much going on that I kinda didn't expect to hear from them, but it would be nice. I would be lying if I didn't confess that I am worried STBX and ow are taking advantage of the situation and telling lies about me, I know it sounds paranoid but they did it with my kids to the point that D9 wouldn't hug me at the airport when she came back from her visit. I guess I have to let it go. People are going to believe what they believe and I cannot control it, I can only live my life with honesty, dignity and compassion.

Talked with my L today. STBX originally asked for only 2 weeks in the summer, now he has upped it to 4 weeks. I didn't want to agree to that because not seeing my kids for 4 weeks will be torture, but I get them the rest of the year and if the shoe was on the other foot I would want them too. My L asked me if I thought he would really keep them the 4 weeks. If it was him alone, no way, with ow, probably. Also, if we went to court the judge would probably give him all summer except for the first and last weeks. So I will agree to 4.

He also wanted to give me 1 DAY notice of his coming to visit the kids. My L and I agreed that this is unreasonable. We changed our request from 14 days to 7 days and said I would do my best to accommadate him if he has unexpected business travel here. And he also wants me to agree to send the kids on a plane "supervised"...WTH does that mean? I had asked that an agreed upon adult would supervise the kids on a flight. I have NO intention of agreeing to my 5 and 9 year old girls flying across the country supervised by a flight attendant. Nothing against flight attendants but God only knows what could happen. Remember the young girl that was "fondled" by the guy in the seat next to her under her blanket??????

Gotta get some sleep, have to be at work by 7am. Blech.

Love,
Shades