Jen...boy...thanks a bunch for your comments. They were so needed!
So I have a friend I've been working with on this issue. I've been struggling, y'all; honestly, as much as I try there is just some stuff I haven't been able to let go of. Anyway, my friend helped me connect with what my clear boundaries are:
1. I will continue to connect with what I love about H.
2. I will realize I choose to maintain a R with H...until I don't choose to do so. I am not a victim.
3. I expect H to cut off his friendship completely with LW. No gifts (she bought him subscription to a magazine which he lied to me about), no cards, no emails of a non-business nature. This is what I need in order to rebuild my trust in him.
4. I expect H to speak directly and truthfully to me. No matter what. Not even if he thinks I'll freak out...and I will try not to freak out. (An issue more than a week ago where he didn't tell me he was going to a going away party for a work friend until the last minute...and almost NOT...because he was pretty sure LW would be there. Called him on that crap too.)
5. I will no longer operate in the passive-aggressive zone. If he doesn't tell me, it doesn't exist. I am not responsible for changing behavior/reading minds when he doesn't tell me there's a problem. (There was a snarky issue about backscratching that I busted him on recently...if he doesn't ask, that's his problem.)
6. I am willing to spend the next 6 months looking for progress. No progress, we'll politely dissolve things. Progress, we'll celebrate. It's time for him to take ownership of his wants/needs/issues/responsibilities.
7. We need to start dreaming...where do we want to go as a couple?
These are my conditions, and I think they are reasonable. I am detaching from the outcome. He'll either agree and work towards a positive togetherness, or he'll balk and be a dick. Either way, I'll have done my best and gotten an answer.
He's hiding way too much about LW these days...too many lies there. It's not okay for her to still be so much involved with his life. At least, I'M not okay with it.
Thanks, y'all. I'll keep you updated....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
