The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

OTOH, sometimes I feel like a real chickensh!t taking things so slowly, rather than just Laying It All On The Table and going for The Big Relationship Overhaul.

Am I being patient, or am I avoid conflict and coasting too much in the ol' Comfort Zone? Some of both, I guess. And so, the journey continues.

I totally understand what you're talking about! However, I do think there's a balance between the ginormous conference about Our Marriage and not talking about things at all. It's that balance I'm seeking personally...and I really can't control what H does.

So an example. One thing H has been doing that finally just made me crazy was to say, "Maybe someday I'll get scratches," (meaning I'd scratch his back like he does mine). Little whiny tone, lots of implication that he was the martyr/victim/etc. Now, when he asks, when he sits forward, I always rub or scratch his back. The issue? He rarely asks or sits forward or indicates in any way that he'd like me to do that. Me? I ask. I do what we've labeled the "Slide Over and Lean," that is my code for scratch my back please.

But I'm supposed to mind read or beg him to let me, and if I don't, he's somehow a victim.

Anyway, I called him on it this week, and he tried to play it off like it's something he just says, he doesn't sit and think about how I never scratch his back, etc. So I allowed that maybe he wasn't consciously thinking about it, but that making those comments repeatedly with tone implied that somewhere in his subconscious, he was bothered by it.

So I told him I didn't like the comments and they made me feel bad, like I should feel guilty. Then I told him that was bogus, and that if he wanted scratches or anything else, all he had to do was *gasp* ask. Scoot and lean. I reminded him how this was his M.O. before, and how when he'd asked for what he wanted, he got it. He tried to weasel out of it, but I just put it out there again and told him I refused to feel guilty about something when I hadn't done anything wrong and that it was his responsibility to ask for what he wants, period.

And then I was done. No drama, just enjoying the evening together on the couch. He'll either ask or he'll be a big pooty potty and keep playing the victim chicken.

I'm very touchy feely BTW, so I'll rub his back or scratch it if we're in the kitchen or out somewhere or whatever. So I don't get this B.S.

I actually think, folks, that I was the lucky one to discover DB and get over my fears and take responsibility for my own happiness. I ask for what I want these days instead of sitting back wishing for it.

Anyway, Rob, I'll bet you do more of this sort of thing than you think, and I think that's the middle ground. If not, what's holding you back?

Doing better...H is stepping it up a bit...I swear I feel like I'm talking to my middle schoolers sometimes though as many times as I have to repeat myself....

SD

[Rob1231]

I actually think, folks, that I was the lucky one to discover DB and get over my fears and take responsibility for my own happiness. I ask for what I want these days instead of sitting back wishing for it.

Anyway, Rob, I'll bet you do more of this sort of thing than you think, and I think that's the middle ground. If not, what's holding you back?

Great post, SD!

And a great, extremely thought-provoking question. I truly appreciate it!

Have I backslid a bit - or more than a bit - into not claiming my own happiness? Gotta think on that one.

[Jen_Jam]

OK SD I promised a mroe sensible post and I will now try.

I am in a position where my M is happy, I am getting what I want, H is getting what he wants, I don't analyse everything to infinity anymore.

That doesn't mean I've slid right back to the mean, shouty and pouty jenny I used to be. A lot of what I do now is automatic. I regularly think about my M and ask myself if I'm filling H's love tank enough ... if the answer is no, then I will make sure I do something nice for him, tell him he looks nice, thank him for doing the washing up. If the answer is yes then i'll carry on doing these things. If H hasn't been filling my love tank then i ask myself why ... sometimes I realise he's tired out for work and I will wait. Other times I will ask for what I want, making it no big deal.

I did bomb my H. When my H left, in his MLC, he said that he felt very regimented by me. But I was the one who organised EVERYTHING because H never had an opinion on anything. He never spoke up, never took action. When I bombed him I pointed out that I was taking on all this responsibility again (organising finances, where we go on holiday, our meals, where we go out etc etc). I told H that I actually didn't like being the one "in charge" all the time, that I didn't want a M like that. I pointed out that there is a wall in the garden which needs attention and the living room needs redecorating, but he never came up with any suggestions, so i felt it was up to me all the time to say "Right! Let's get organised" and take over. IOW, I was pointing out that the factors that he contributed to his own unhappiness were coming back. He felt regimented but he ALLLOWED this to happen by never having an opinion on anything.

SO! He got bombed. He listened, and he asked me one thing which struck me really hard, and SD this is what I would like to point out to you. H asked me to "focus on the positives and ignore the negatives". Just for 6 months. He stated he would try, but he would of course get it wrong some of the time.

So that is what I have been doing. Yes he messes up, yes sometimes he looks at me with that "oh it's all too much for me, you decide" face (which does infuriate me!) but then I remember other times when he has said "RIGHT! Let's do THIS!" and it's been good. I have to remember as well that I am more dynamic than him, I am more of a leader than he is. And, knowing that, I stop myself from stepping in when he has a good idea and taking over. It's kind of like when a child tries to do something, they are being incredibly slow and making mistakes, you look at them and know you could step in, do it for them and it would be much quicker. But how is that child ever to learn if you do it for them all the time? I remember trying to do something when I was small and my Mum got impatient, snatched it out of my hand with a big sigh and did it herself. It hurt. I felt stupid and untrusted. So now I remember that and give H room to try, to make mistakes, and I don't rush him. Well, I try not to, cos I'm not perfect either and do mess things up at times

So SD I ask you now ... look for some positives in your H. Remember too your wedding day. Remember the love you had for him. If you're anything like me I married my H because he was kind, gentle and didn't try to push anyone or force his will on anyone. The flipside is he can be a bit passive, but it's a trade off I'm happy to make. I've had a boyfriend who is more dynamic and I didn't really like it. There is no such thing as the perfect man or woman ... life is all compromise. We are all human and we all make mistakes. As long as we don't keep making the same ones, and we try to put things right when they go wrong, we are going in the right direction. Change is a journey, not a destination.

I hope I'm making sense ... it's about 9am and I'm on my second mega strong coffee Take it slow and easy ... you have it in you to see this through. SD you are no quitter

[Rob1231]

What a great post, Jen! Thanks!

[inspiredjulie]

hey, SD, just wanted to stop by and offer a quick c-hug. You're always an inspiration and the adversity we face does come back to us as wisdom... Just hugs, sweetie.

[SDFoundGirl]

Rob & Julie~thanks for checking in on me!

Jen...boy...thanks a bunch for your comments. They were so needed!


So I have a friend I've been working with on this issue. I've been struggling, y'all; honestly, as much as I try there is just some stuff I haven't been able to let go of. Anyway, my friend helped me connect with what my clear boundaries are:

1. I will continue to connect with what I love about H.

2. I will realize I choose to maintain a R with H...until I don't choose to do so. I am not a victim.

3. I expect H to cut off his friendship completely with LW. No gifts (she bought him subscription to a magazine which he lied to me about), no cards, no emails of a non-business nature. This is what I need in order to rebuild my trust in him.

4. I expect H to speak directly and truthfully to me. No matter what. Not even if he thinks I'll freak out...and I will try not to freak out. (An issue more than a week ago where he didn't tell me he was going to a going away party for a work friend until the last minute...and almost NOT...because he was pretty sure LW would be there. Called him on that crap too.)

5. I will no longer operate in the passive-aggressive zone. If he doesn't tell me, it doesn't exist. I am not responsible for changing behavior/reading minds when he doesn't tell me there's a problem. (There was a snarky issue about backscratching that I busted him on recently...if he doesn't ask, that's his problem.)

6. I am willing to spend the next 6 months looking for progress. No progress, we'll politely dissolve things. Progress, we'll celebrate. It's time for him to take ownership of his wants/needs/issues/responsibilities.

7. We need to start dreaming...where do we want to go as a couple?

These are my conditions, and I think they are reasonable. I am detaching from the outcome. He'll either agree and work towards a positive togetherness, or he'll balk and be a dick. Either way, I'll have done my best and gotten an answer.

He's hiding way too much about LW these days...too many lies there. It's not okay for her to still be so much involved with his life. At least, I'M not okay with it.

Thanks, y'all. I'll keep you updated....

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Good boundaries ... you know what, a lot of this hinges on getting LW out of his life. I happen to agree with you. I would need her gone too. But you can only ask, not force ...

what did your H say to this?

[inspiredjulie]

Hey SD...

I really liked your boundaries as well. It must really feel peaceful to be able to 'verbalize' your thoughts and needs like this.

WTG, SD! Keep fighting the good fight!

Julie

[Rob1231]

Hi SD,

I like your boundaries. I especially like that some of them are all about "How do I keep the positives coming?"

Kind of echoing Jen's question:

How did you communicate all of this to H?

Are you SURE he "got" what you were saying?

How did he respond (particularly to the LW ultimatum)?

Wishing the very best for you during the next six months and beyond! ((Hugs!))

[SDFoundGirl]

Jen, Julie, & Rob~

Thanks for checking in on me. Having you give the thumbs up on the boundaries was a lovely confirmation that this is what I needed to do.

I shared them with H at MC last night. To tell the truth, there was a little friction about LW. His comment, and I totally understand it, was that it wasn't like he cheated on me. I know that...but then again, he doesn't know how MUCH I know b/c of the letters and such and so he doesn't know also that he's lied in MC about the depth of his professed feelings or that he'd talked to her IN DEPTH about all of my faults and shortcomings.

So...I'm trying to put his non-cheating thing into my brain, because at the end of the day, he didn't. But he says he never thought about it, and I know b/c of a letter I read that isn't true AT ALL. Makes me kind of angry...but then, it's my fault for snooping, right?

Anyway, the MC told him that regardless, it was a trigger for me, something that was keeping us from moving on, so he should consider it. He asked, "What am I supposed to tell her?" Again, he has a point, but hell...he can tell her not to call on the weekends (it's a work-free couple zone), he can NOT send her frigging e-cards, he can NOT tell her about the vacations we're going on and get her recommendations on where to go if she's been there (as he did for restaurants in the town we went skiing in last week...we did NOT go to any of them b/c I steered us elsewhere), he can thank her for any gifts she gives him (because, folks she just so DAMNED NICE and SWEET that she gives crap to people) and then tell her it's not really necessary or appropriate.

In short, he can decide that our marriage is more important than his jacked up friendship with a woman who, once we'd reconciled, gave us a Christmas gift with the card, "Hope this will help you two build a better marriage," as if she were OUR friends instead of the whore in waiting. BTW, I got rid of that gift last week when it occurred to me that every time I saw it I got pissed off.

Angry...yes...but I *am* working on focusing on his positives. I think it's my responsibility. But I'll be dipped in hot oil before I accept this friendship...ever.

We'll see what happens. Honestly? What I think is he will just try to hide it better. That's what he's done so far. The thing is, he sucks at subterfuge, and I will nail his little cookies to the wall if he does that.

Feels better just to vent. I promise, I am not being b!tchy or mean. But I am watching....

SD