H is having affair after all

[Jen_Jam]

Jen - hope you treated yourself to some chocolate today????

I treated myself to chocolate, lager, cheese, butter, white bread, more cheese, more chocolate, oh dear.

[Evie]

Jen - good for you.

Fortunately for me, no chocolate came my way the only temptation i gave into was a piece of each of the 3 puddings at lunch on Sunday at my moms.

H and S1 are away and H has respected the 'no contact' rule, although he allows my son to phone me daily.

Not sure what kind of mood i'm in. I'm just sat here in a cn't be bothered mood.

Had a very lazy Easter holiday, not good for s2 as i was hardly motivated to do anything, just wanted to slump in my chair and read/sleep. Most people I know are families. Did meet up with old friends (the competitive one i have previously mentioned) anyway they invited S2 and myself for a pub meal on friday. The H (best friend of H)said he was so gutted, he didn't know and hadn't seen H for months.

Maybe i'm coming out of the denial stage....?

I know you all say its early days yet, patience, patience, patience. I know i have to start DB my little a** off, but not sure where to start?. I can't continue where i left off, b/c now i have knowledge of his affair, (which i'm not convinced is over), no i don't want to be right, yes i do want to be happy.. My thoughts are jumbled as is my writing.

Think some guy came onto me at the gym yesterday, but i wouldn't know a flirtation if it hit me between the leyes. It's a guy thats there regularly and we have a bit of banter, but we got talking more yesterday. As his parting shot he said 'you look good by the way'.... did me the world of good i can tell you. If he can see it, can't H?

[Jen_Jam]

Eve ... sounds like you're in "standing still" mode. Sometimes this can be a good thing, at least it's not going backwards.

You have had a heck of a shock to take in, it's natural to reel a bit. I assume the anger has abated a bit, now is the "what do I do?". Well ... take care of yourself. Forget H for a bit and concentrate on you.

And flirtation .. yes that WAS, and a nice one too. Enjoy it. Of course, you won't start a R with someone else, just accept the complments when they come along. I got chatted up one night, we were out in the pub and H had his constipated face on, I left him to it and got chatted up. It felt GOOD. I didn't enjoy it cos I felt validated, it was a nice time out from having to watch everything I said and did, i could just relax and be me. You can get that without flirting too .. I had girls nights out, went out a LOT, just to feel like I was ME and didn't have to consider every word before I said it.

Take it easy, do one of my favourite passtimes - Chilax! it's a cross between chilling out and relaxing Concentrate on the here and now and let the future take care of itself.

[LL44]

As his parting shot he said 'you look good by the way'.... did me the world of good i can tell you. If he can see it, can't H?

H can see it, but won't acknowledge it right now.

Hang in there. Next time you feel 'slumped' in a chair, (I have sooo been there), prop yourself up and grab a puzzle and do it with S2. The same amount of time passes if you 1) play with your kids or 2) slump in the chair. #1 is the better option for you and your kids. HUGS!

[seekpeaceofmind]

One of the reasons I was drawn to DB was the thought that there were things that I can DO to save my M. After a while, in my particular sitch, I saw that there are times when the main thing I can DO is nothing - at least in relation to H. I think there are times like that in each sitch and that this is a quiet time for you. It seems like the main thing you can do is avoid throwing gas on the fire.

It's great that you are doing things like yoga and going to the gym. If you are taking care of yourself in that way, an afternoon or two of staying slumped in the chair is not bad and I think has a different kind of healing property. Make sure you have plans (or at least a strategy for getting out of the house) for those times when H has the boys.

You're doing great. You are strong and it shows.

[Evie]

H can see it, but won't acknowledge it right now

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A colleaque said, 'maybe he can see it, but has already moved on'.



Jen, Lwb and Seek, thank you for your positivity and feedback, i am certainly going through a time of been quiet. I have decided on a couple of things to do with the business: a) to add my name to everything b)H is to take on more responsibilty eg the wages & get the accounts to the accountant on time (its our end of year)and c) the banking. Nothing Radical, but it gives me a bit more free time without losing a grip of things.

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Concentrate on the here and now and let the future take care of itself

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Jen - i found this quite profound, but when you think about it it is really true. I'm just slightly anxious that H may start trying to push me to making more decisions about the House etc and I know i'm not ready to do that, don't know about him.

I've just come across an email H sent me in December. He said amongst other things, that he realised loads of money, fast car, big house, and fancy holidays were not what is important in life, but that time and family were.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was in the midst of his affair, how could he say something like that???

I know we're not supposed to believe anything of what they say and only half of what they do. However, He sent a load of texts at xmas that he initiated and some of the stuff he says, sounds like a very confused, sad, person. Thats why i'm confused and had hope and maybe the A has confused him even more?

x evie xxxx

[Jen_Jam]

Something sprang to mind when you said you were anxious about H pushing you for decisions.
1. You have already asked for 4 weeks with him not pushing, so hold him to that
2. I'd like to introduce Passive Resistance. It's the art of fighting without fighting. You agree with words to what he says then do nothing. Teenagers are very good at this when you tell them to clean their rooms and they say "I will" and never do it. My H stated he wanted to sell our house (the very same one whose living room we have just finished redecorating ha ha)and I said OK but didn't visit ONE estate agent, didn't look at ONE advert for houses. He wanted to sell the house, I didn't. So I let him do the work, which amounted to nothing anyway. if I had disagreed with him and argument would have ensued.

One word of warning about passive resistence - it can backfire if someone is really determined, but the principle is if H is trying to make you do something you're really not comfortabel with or force you into doing any kind of paperwork for a D then you just don't do it. Let the WAS do the graft for the D, don't help them.

[25yearsmlc]

Haven't finished reading your post but was stopped by the phrase "I just don't want him to think he's forgiven..."

wth? Why make that something unattainable? If you can't forgive him for your sake, let alone his, why not file for a D now? Without forgiveness, there is no hope.

Forgiveness releases YOU, not him. It's crucial that you understand this. Forgiveness is not condoning. It is a gift you give yourself, model for your children, and use as the mechanism for happiness on earth. Without forgiveness, you are nowhere my friend. Now, back to your post...
j-

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Eva, seeing and talking with a solicitor will NOT "get the ball rolling" as only YOU can do that.(Or your h). You are allowed to speak to a solicitor and not have him/her take any legal action. You said the business is all in your h's name, and that you want to put yours on it, and that is something to tell the solicitor BEFORE you put your name on it. B/C then you'll likely also be on the hook for debts-some of which you may even be aware... so think about that.

Sorry sweetie, but I really sense that you are trying to "show him" or "teach him a lesson" in this. Maybe not consciously. But refusing to talk to a L and yet insisting on business changes and title changes is odd to me. You're forcing things now, and without the benefit of legal counsel. As others said so succinctly, chillax!!

As for his confusion...it's abundantly clear that he is confused. Hence your need for some respite from the texts that don't comport with his actions...etc.
Sometimes there are bad storms / earthquakes in life, and the only thing you can do is stand in the doorway holding onto the frame, to wait for it to pass. But this too, shall pass. Really.
Good luck,
((( j- ))

[25yearsmlc]

PS again,

You might greatly benefit from reading Michelle's LRT. There's a post on the LRT topic board dated 9/19, with Tia as the moderator. Someone else may have authored the actual original post. Anyhow, it could do you wonders. It's kind of an "ongoing technique" for me. Very helpful.
j-