Wow...I stumble back into this tiny crevice of a space and sweep away the cobwebs and try desperately to remember the aroma this space once held. I apologize for not responding to the familiar faces but I have been drowning and to no ones fault by my own. My "M" is gasping with one breath and I have no job as of Valentines day...a different sort of "V" day for me. It's not every day one can get terminated on Valentines day. My W has been spending all her time at her new job and excelling. She loves it but unfortunately she spend even less time at home and now has trips to Chicago as part of her business. I am really proud of her but it has left a lot of animosity because of my kids, this house, my low self esteem and spending all my time with all the those. Basketball is over for the middle son and now comes the dreaded "Baseball" season. I am not looking forward to the full time shuttling. I dropped most of my DB'ing efforts and even dropped the efforts of sobriety for a short while. I have given up to about a 98% degree. I don't even feel capable to do the slightest tasks anymore. I nearly called my life an end last weekend through a conversations with old friends. I was lit like a roman candle sending sparks all through the Portland Metro area. All my conversations ended with me proclaiming I couldn't tow the rope anymore....on any front. I feel humiliated at losing my job for incompetence and my wife feels that I am just jealous that she is doing so well at her job. Right! The only thing I feel jealous about is that she gets time without the kids tugging on her legs, the freedom of not having to reconcile bills and not having to constantly keep putting on a tool belt, an apron around the house. Our conversations are on shut down and I think I might need to pack this little space up and move some different direction..the only piecing I am doing at the moment is take piece by piece from my own moral fabric and self esteem. I realize this is all pathetic in every regard...so all plywood boards can come a flying! I just need to expel again. I need to get out of here and asked my W to get away from the kids and all for awhile and that went down in flames as well. So I have to go to Home Depot to get some flooring for the kitchen...Oh joy! I just cant wait to get involved in that! To all who have been peeking in, I truly thank you! I really cant tell you how good it makes me feel to know there are heartbeats out there other than my own...peace
