Hope everyone around the boards has a beautiful Monday. I am off to work! I am having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, but we'll talk abou that later.......
Emily, Could you look in on LisaLost. She has recently suffered physical abuse from her H. I think she would appreciate hearing from someone who has walked in her shoes. Those of us who haven't can only tell her what we would do if we were in her position.
Good to see you back and taking control of your life.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
A decision has to be made, and I am the one who must make it.
I am the one in control now (well sort of). I worry that I am becoming the WAS, could that be true? I know these demons are not mine to fight, but I feel so called to stand, although I have to try to stand in a different way now. I am unsure of how to proceed.
I talked to H lastnight, after a very painful conversation, I am left well confused. He insists he does NOT want a D. Yet he refuses to change.
SO what the heck do I do? Pack up my emotional luggage and run away... or do I just step into the shadows and watch? Do I stay? I can't imagine anything more than trouble if I stay.
I thought about changing my phone number tonight, to prevent him from calling, and making it easier for me to walk away. I tried to explain my feelings, I tried to explain how I thought a D would help our sitch. He can't hear me yet, and I am tired of my words falling on deaf ears. He is with her today, he went home to her lastnight, after crying to me on the phone. I just don't get it, what is wrong with HIM?
Hi, Emily. I think I can kind of relate to how you feel. My H and I were S'ed for close to 3 years. He just moved back in about 3 weeks ago. A TON of waffling going on in my sitch, too.
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I worry that I am becoming the WAS, could that be true?
It could be true, and you have a right to feel everything you do. Your H has given you NO SOLID reason to believe him. His ACTIONS have not seemed to ever support his words.
However, the only way you will become a WAS is if YOU CHOOSE to do so. I struggled many, many times with this decision myself, but in the end, I knew I wanted to be absolutely 100% sure that I did everything possible to save my M. Even if that meant giving my H another chance he probably didn't entirely deserve.
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SO what the heck do I do?
You do what you believe in your mind and in your heart is right for YOU, and no one else.
If you choose to proceed with the D, then do not let H's WORDS get in the way. Do what you have to do to move forward in your life.
If you choose to give him one more shot, then make it on YOUR terms. HE HAS TO KNOW THAT YOU MEAN BUSINESS. He has to know that this will be HIS LAST CHANCE. Furthermore, he must know that he has to ACT ON HIS WORDS. No more empty promises. No more hollow words. You need to see ACTION; He has to SHOW it to you. He has to make the effort. It CANNOT be all you.
(((Emily)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Emily - You're not a WAS. You're just setting some clear, appropriate boundaries. This guy has fathered TWO illegitimate children while "claiming" to want to stay married to you. His ACTIONS have never matched his words, so why would you listen to his words any more? His ACTIONS say he is NOT going to step up to the plate and be the man you deserve. He's weak, weird, has issues, or just figures he'll have to pay you more if you divorce him. Who cares?
He's not honest. He's not trustworthy. He's not someone your kids can look up to. He's not someone you can count on. His drama sucks the light out of your life.
Just move on already. There is SUCH a better future for you out there, I just know it.
just figures he'll have to pay you more if you divorce him
That's my guess. It is all to do with him, nothing to do with you, Emily. Every time tings get to this point, he says something, and draws you back in, but he has never done a thing to back it up. What is this, the fourth time, at least, I think. If he means it, let him show it, after you are divorced from his drama, and him!
Every time tings get to this point, he says something, and draws you back in, but he has never done a thing to back it up. What is this, the fourth time, at least, I think.
This is EXACTLY what happened in my sitch, too. I filed for the D, H would make those empty promises, say the things I longed to hear, and I would always end up delaying the court date.
And nothing still ever happened.
UNTIL I LAID DOWN THE LAW, MY BOUNDARIES. UNTIL I SAID THIS IS WHAT WILL HAVE TO HAPPEN IF HE WANTED BACK IN. NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS. THIS IS HIS LAST CHANCE. THERE WILL BE NO OTHER. I STOOD MY GROUND, I AM STILL STANDING FIRM, AND HE KNOWS IT.
No more cake-eating for GF's H.
I did not take the D completely off calendar; I asked for a continuance. This was for my peace of mind. I knew by doing this I wouldn't have to wait another 4 - 6 months for another court date should the R fall to pieces again.
Emily, you can take into consideration all the wonderful advice everyone here and at home gives you, but only YOU can make the decision that is right for YOU. No one knows what Emily really wants. No one can decide for her. Only Emily can do that.
Stay strong.
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/25/0811:49 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Unfortunately, we've been told we're only allowed to give advice if it's to say "STAY in the marriage," so I really don't know what to tell you.
Puppy
Not exactly true. If YOU decide to leave ... we support you....we do not want you to be miserable.
Certainly not your fault....but you've set a consequence for him (divorce) and then retrieved it. Understandable .... many of us have done that...including me, and then WE pay the price for it.....so that's not fair, huh?
What would it take for you to give him another chance? What kind of behaviors....if you could 'train him' would make it worth it?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
If YOU want to give it one last hurrah....a sort of AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique......
Tell him what you want, exactly...figure it out and say exactly what you mean.You do not tell him more than twice.
Reward good behavior, do not reward his bad behavior. I think sooooooo many of us on the board inadvertently reward bad behavior. I do it. Don't hang on the phone with him. He's manipulating you.
Expect prompt compliance. Don't give him extra time to work it out. If he wants back, he leaves her. Now. Or whatever YOU decide. Your terms, as your friends here have said.
Ignore undesirable behavior. Don't 'reward him' by getting into it. Hang up the phone (or whatever is appropriate).
If this works for you, there are a few more things you can do.
I'm not saying you 'should'. This would be long hard work. Only you know what you have inside you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
(((((Emily))))) I think sg has some good ideas, but I think I prefer the idea of following through with the divorce, and the letting him start from scratch, if that is what he wants better. I am just afraid, based on the past, that if you do anything less than finish the job you will be right back in the same spot again. Unless you really believe that you can do exactly what sg has suggested. But, I think you have already given him that chance. He said he didn't want a divorce, and then went to Cassie. What's that say to you?
