The first half of the last paragraph is a lot of the 'I' type talk that is done in 12 step groups. I find it the most practical, not as a specific method to follow, but as thought provokers to how the concept applies to me.
BTW, I have chosen to do the kind things, independent of whether they are noticed. It's nice when they are. I think that kindness with a purpose isn't kindness, it's manipulation. Sooner or later it will backfire. IMO
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
Remind me again...does your wife want you to back off or feel that you're smothering her? If so, then make sure your even more subtle. I'll give you some I try to do, and some she does for me. They are just little, but start small.
When things weren't good, I usally was the one making coffee in the morning, so I'd fix two cups (hers with sugar substitute) and drop hers off next to her, or on the bathroom counter when she was showering and then just walk away. Now, it's whoever goes to pour themselves a cup.
If I was out, I'd pick her up a cup of coffee (we happen to like coffee throughout the day...so works for me) when I got myself one. Or grab her something else I knew she liked.
Back together, when I'm actually doing a good job (and it comes in cycles...being giver and being taker), I'll just stop a minute and rub her shoulders and neck, or offer a massage (which I need to do tonight because I've been kind of moody lately). Things like this might not fly with your wife. When I separated from my wife, some little massaging was still not off limits, but for many it is.
Put a new frame around a favorite picture of hers. Fix something around the house that bothered her. Touch her back or her arm when you walk by. Pick up a chick flick. If she won't watch it with you, watch it by yourself....but give her the opportunity to want to join you. When you are playing cards, get up to get yourself something and ask if she needs anything. It's not big things, but sometimes when the whole relationship is in a bad way, you forget to even do things that are polite.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well, Last night my W pushed the R discussion last night she was fairly rational through the whole thing. Emotional, but not hysterical. She pushed some and I decided to talked about one of my concerns. She said she has been wanting to talk about it since before the hitting incident last year. She said that she realizes that the LD is because she feels dirty when we have sx. She even said it was her issue because of baggage from her past. She went into some detail. Even took responsibility for being passive during sx.
She also explained some of how she got to her current state. Not a lot of blaming me this time. Just reframing incidents and taking responsibility for the way they made her feel. And she said she want to work on it, but first she want to work on becoming closer emotionally.
I went on to discuss some of my PTSD issues and how they played into her perception of things.
I still have the trust issues to deal with. I will need to see a consistent attitude to believe it is real. But I suspect it is. This is the first time that she has taken full responssibility for her feelings about anything.
We also need to deal with the verbal abuse issue. But that may work out as we work on the other issues. Then again it might not. I won't know until I see where this goes.
She did end with a minor attack on my recovery group, but I made it clear that it was not negotiable and I wasn't going to defend it. She only seemed to take minor insult at that. Much better than previous responses.
Last edited by troubled_husband; 03/26/0812:39 PM.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
I see on your other thread where you're looking for a place to discuss relationship issues more broadly. You may want to check out the ***deleted ---ADVERTISING***; a number of us have found comfort and guidance there.
I think maybe my W was serious when she talked about some of her demons the other night and a willingness to change. Last night when I got home from a meeting, she sat down and started dealing cards. It is the most initiative I have seen in a long time. Then when we went up to our separate rooms, I got a phone call from her. She invited me to come to her room and play (not cards).
It seemed real and different this time. She seemed to want to connect. It wasn't just sx, it seemed like real intimate touch, snuggle, the works. She seemed fully engaged in the process (even led a little). She said she finally understood that sx was suppose to be fun. She's been talking to her friends about it for awhile. She says she has noticed that most of them not only like it, but go out of their way to get it. She even said she had fun last night. There was some simple affection this morning too.
She said we need to work on our sx life and implied her willingness to start exploring what she likes and wants, and what she doesn't like.
Talk about 180s.
I will approach this cautiously because I have been deceived before, but I am not going to assume that I am being deceived now. She still wants separate rooms for now, but she doesn't equate that with no physical relationship, just a controlled one.
If this keeps moving, it will be a great example of two people working on their own personal issues as a means to resolve a R.
toubled husband
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
The change has continued through the weekend. I know that there are a lot of other issues to deal with. But we will need to work through them slowly. My W willingness and affection exceeds anything I have seen in at least a decade.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
